Future me here: sorry it's a book lmao. I got typing and next thing I knew it's like 1,000 words. I went through and tried to trim it down as best I could.

So with allistics, as far as I can understand (because I'm not), often the little interruptions that are annoying to us are much less so to them. Pushing through social situations may not "recharge" them (aka they're introverted) but they can typically do it much easier than neurodivergent people. If you need to be specifically engaged to find social situations intuitive, I would argue you do not find them intuitive. I would bet you're probably checking a million little things in your head about what they said, how they said it, body language, and so on. Allistics don't focus that close on it. As best as I can see, allistic communication is like 85% vibe and 15% information. Autistic is more like 90-100% information, depending on "how autistic" the people communicating are. Vibes are still there, but are not felt so much as deduced based on a bunch of little details we see. Broadly speaking, autistic people assemble information from the ground up (little pieces fit together to make a bigger model of something), and allistics assemble information from the top down (often this looks like they want the absolute MINIMUM information and almost seem to get stressed with detail). Example, I work in a PC repair shop. My neurotypical (NT) customers will want to hear "your computer is fixed and ready to be picked up" and the autistic customers will want to know a lot more detail (hey this was a bad firmware update and it damaged a stick of RAM. That led to the lasted Windows update to corrupt and caused your bluescreen) and maybe even learn from the interaction.

Hating change is not the autistic trait. Craving order and routine is. If you are both ADHD and Autistic (this is called AuDHD), often this is obscured because the two conditions want different things. ADHD likes novelty, and Autism likes routine so you would get a bit of both if that's the case. And the symptoms are similar too, but a little different. For example, ADHD will hyperfocus to the point where you forget your needs like eating, but Autism will have special interests that will seem similar but for longer. For me, a hyperfocus may be for a day or two, but a special interest is like 3 months minimum, and I typically will come back to them over time. ADHD will often not return to old hyperfixations.

I'm not saying you're for sure autistic, that's for you to decide. But if you are autistic, it's not a disability in itself. It becomes a disability because the world is not made for autistic people. When I first learned I was autistic (this is about 2 years ago now), I had a similar mindset (not wanting to appropriate the term "autistic" is actually common in late-diagnosed people, and I was no exception). Anyway, this is what I did:

• I tried to go through and learn the vocabulary and see how much of it applied to me. (First time I took the RAADS-R test I got like 70, and now after years of processing and remembering things I score like 140+). Once you know the words for things, if you're autistic, you're probably going to have some "ah-ha" moments where things begin to click.

• Then, as you have names for things and learn, some of the fixes will be intuitive. Hate eye contact? Don't make it with strangers. Or do so minimally. It's unbelievably freeing. Like a routine? Do them, and protect them. I get pizza every Friday, and unless something incredible is happening, I don't miss it. Some things are a little less intuitive. Learning to unmask is a HUGE task and arguably far more to learn and do than understanding autism is. Which brings us to step 3.

• Learning to unmask (what you called unlearning). This is a massive process and there's a really good chance that you don't even know all the ways you mask (you sort of mentioned this in the idiom point, where you don't know if they're intuitive or you just learned them already). The book I recommended Unmasking Autism by Devon Price is great for this. Some of it may seem too "soft" or dramatic based on you not wanting to be held down by this, but I would recommend it anyway. Remember it's written for a wide audience, and some of us have it worse than others.

• As you learn to unmask, social situations become easier. Remember that autistic masking is a form of trauma masking, much like a domestic violence victim would "snap into action"? Well once you learn to heal from that stuff, the masking is more voluntary, like acting. And at that point it's not your body freaking out in fight-or-flight, it's just performing an act. And if you're in a position where you can reduce social interactions to a routine (common in retail, sales, and so on), then it's even easier. If you feel dumb when you're in social situations, or if you feel smarter when you're alone and allowed time to solve problems, this will also get easier. Fight-or-flight impacts the activity in your frontal lobe and will make you literally dumber while it's happening. Not your fault, it's just how brains work.

So there is some debate about the PDA profile being real or not. A lot of people seem to identify with it, but it also very much seems to be anxiety-fueled so the medical community is like "oh that's just autism plus stress". The one thing that is agreed on is, getting your anxiety down is key. You can look into what you're eating, if you're agreeing to social commitments you do not want to go to, and a million more things. Impossible for me to say from here really. But start saying "no" when you can safely do so and make time to do your hobbies and not feel sorry for it. Also, about 2-3 years ago, the University of Stanford found that the visual pattern of moving forward (think the animation of the Star Wars lightspeed effect), literally calms you at the neurological level. Going for a walk of any length daily can be hugely beneficial for your health. I know it's a cliche but it's true.

As you learn these skills, you will slowly but surely find stressors and remove them happily. There is a good chance you have at least one narcissist in your life if you're neurodivergent. You'll likely identify one or a few of them and get away from them.

Lastly, find friends that are like you. I know, easier said than done. But if you're autistic, try to find local groups and go be weird together without judgement. I found out I'm actually an extrovert, but a super selective one. Most people drain me, but MY people make feel great when I'm around them. It makes it so much easier when you're not getting shit on for not making eye contact, or if you want to squeeze some putty while you talk. If you're high masking, you'll likely feel a little angry because these people are not masking like you've had to. It's a normal part of the process. Just notice it and move on. I don't think you can add friends on Lemmy yet but I have most other platforms. I'm assuming you speak English because your written English is fantastic. And if not that's fine. Either way, I'm happy to be your first autistic friend, even if you're not. I personally think we're a lot easier to deal with but maybe I'm biased lol