this post was submitted on 07 Oct 2026
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Ladies, if you want sex, say so. Nothing shameful in it. The times where every little bit of initiative has to come from the guy are really past, and even if some of you seem to think that - we cannot read your thoughts and you might just sit there in your underwear because you are comfortable that way.
and god forbid you assume the undetwear means she wants sex
modern society clearly says that is sexism or something
My wife comes out in underware, it means laudry day is past due :)
I think it's perfectly reasonable to complain when a partner will never make a move, or hasn't made a move in a long time.
I'm a straight dude in a long term monogamous relationship, and I don't like stretches where I'm the only one initiating. It needs to be give and take, over time. Being desired, especially when I'm not expecting it, is part of my own emotional needs, and I can't imagine it's uncommon, even across genders and sexual orientations.
I fully agree that this is a 2-way-street. But in my experience over the last 27 years of relationships, women still somehow think that simply responding to male sexual drive is enough, while most young men nowadays are keenly aware about the fact that permanently lusting over their partners is a very pushy thing to do, and they have adapted to that reality. Also, young men (at least the ones worth of being in a relationship) also realize that this is a 2-way-street. So it is only fair to expect from this lady - who is publicly complaining instead of talking to her partner, which in itself is somewhat fucked up - to voice her desires instead of holding her partner to an impossible standard.
Edit: she can complain publicly again if her partner categorically refuses sex with her regardless of circumstances, but she might be better of separating at that point instead of whining - there are enough men out there that are viable partners and who would do a lot for that opportunity - if she is a decent partner herself.
That's how I've ended up in situations like the OP. If she's shot me down the last 20 times I've tried to initiate anything I'm going to stop doing it. It's on her to let me know when she's in the mood at that point. I'm not gonna just keep dealing with rejection and feeling like I'm pressuring her to do shit she's not interested in for whatever reason.
Yep, that's my experience too. After a series of getting shown the door, she has to announce when it's ok again. This is a basic curtesy to expect from a partner (regardless of gender) that was not in the required headspace for sex for a while.
My wife is ace/demi so I have to initiate it; otherwise, it's rarer than Mewtoo. I'd enjoy being pursued sometime because it'd be a boost to my self image.
That's a harsh situation if your self-worth is hinging a lot on being desired. But it is also something that can be overcome with communication and some basic agreements if both of you really want to pursue that relationship. I am pretty sure that if you told her that your self-images hinges on her desiring you, that she would occasionally go out of her way of expressing how much you mean to her.
Depends on the underwear.
Not even that is a sure indicator. They might just wear the intricate and fine stuff because they felt like it, not because they are horny. It still needs some confirmation about her motives, especially in this age where (finally! and even against the backdrop of erosion of womens and LGBT+ rights) consent is so important.
Eh it’s a turn off to literally say it but I just grab the dick and smoosh the titties In his face and he gets the idea pretty fast. (Of my partner, of course)
I know - plainly saying that you wanna get some action can be hard. But it gets easier the more often you do it if your partner goes along with it in my experience! It validates you in some primal way, because it isn't just a default response to titties and dick grabbing - it is an response to YOU acting on him. The experience of your partner getting fucking excited by what you are doing to him is worth it, and it should also be reciprocated by his actions at another point in time. It ensures both of you that you still find each other attractive.
This.
Bold to assume any heteronormative women to who this advice applies are reading your message here.
It was a general advice, and it does not only apply to heteronormative women - i only used "ladies" because it matched the OP and because heteronormative women are probable the most susceptible to this way of thinking. This is general relationship advice, because communicating your needs is necessary for any successful relationship, regardless of gender.
I think they are saying women are rare here and among us, due to being the type of person that would be on lemmy, are unlikely to be this kind of prude anyways.
That is of course a valid assumption, but i assume that the amount of women here is larger than we all suspect, exactly because of these cliches.
Most people here assume I'm a dude haha. But then tbh I assume most people here are dudes too.
A woman might get beaten up or even raped as being "a whore" for being too outright about wanting sex. The risk is not very high, but if you repeat an action with a small risk often enough, the risk will realize.
Yeah, this is a thing that needs to change in the society. But, to change it, first it must be made safe, which means men actively standing up against other men when they behave in misogynistic ways. The bad guys look externally precisely the same as the good guys, and they ruin extremely much for the rest!
Ehm, we are talking about a situation where a woman is sitting next to her boyfriend and not voicing what she wants because she expects him to read her thoughts. You are missing the mark here, although i agree with the rest of your sentiment.
Dunno. I don't think she literally expects him to read her mind but this is rather an allegory of sorts.
And here comes the thing that her life doesn't happen in a vacuum. She has been conditioned in all other parts of her life since she was only 12-year-old to not show sexual desire outwardly. It takes a lot of wisdom to understand not to apply in this situation something that you have accepted as a basic axiom of life.
Yeah, it would be much better to be outspoken about one's needs, but that's a very big thing to demand of a young and inexperienced woman. Relationship skills grow during the relationship. They are not something innate.
As long as the rest of the girl's life conditions her to a certain behaviour, I would be primarily angry at those things conditioning her to that shit and only secondarily to her not recognising she has been conditioned to bad behaviour and should unlearn that usually necessary behaviour in certain contexts.
It is also a very big thing to demand of young and unexperienced men to be vocal about their desires, because men are also being conditioned to have only a few states - stoic, angry or horny. So we are on pretty even ground here, because admitting that last part is not that easy if you are a decent guy and respect your partner. And if that man is worth a shit, he will respect you and not just want to fuck you every waking moment, while also having other interests that are a very healthy thing to have.
Demanding that people do their part in a relationship and voicing what they need to feel appreciated is not a big ask, it is the basis of any relationship. Demanding that a partner drops whatever they are currently doing because you feel horny might be ok or might be rebuffed, and both are valid answers and have to be respected. But the important part here is that YOU ASK, and not air the dirty laundry on social media instead because you were not capable of initiating a dialogue with your partner.
Yup. Completely agreed.
Romantic relationships have a strong tendency to be very dysfunctional precisely because of this. It's made worse by most girls not knowing how limited a guy's emotional repertoire is required to be, and most guys not knowing how strongly the society is conditioning girls to mute their desires.
And for this, that you ask for, to be possible some day, we really must do better!
Current society is pushing all genders too much into stereotypes, and it is harmful to all of us, i am with you on this one. I am GenX, and i am keenly aware about what society wanted me to be - a man with a very limited amount of possible emotional expression. I am lucky that i escaped that rigid framework because of the people i met in my life.
The current patriarchy is harmful to all of us. Men are reduced to a few basic emotional responses, while women are muted alltogether.
These things can only improve through open and honest discourse between genders (which luckily is happening! Not everywhere and equally distributed, but it is occurring) to make all genders aware that the most important thing is being open about what they need and how to fulfill it. That is really the basis of any stable relationship.