Hi again everyone, im back with I dont even know what. Kind of a vent, kinda looking for advice/support? I just feel kind of lost right now.
I stopped HRT 3-4 weeks ago (after the 3 week trial period I decided to start).
Its hard to judge any definitive effects (time period, dosage, not being able to get my levels checked etc) but i think i felt better during that time. My partner atleast confirms they saw me as more happy/fulfilled/"whole" than they ever had seen me before, atleast during the last half of the trial period. And i can atleast confirm some experiences that felt new to me, an "excitement" or "urge" to go out for once. See what actually exists around were we recently moved to and such. Just more motivation generally but im not sure if i can attribute that to the HRT.
Im back now, a few weeks after stopping HRT and i dont even know where i am. I feel like im kinda back at where i started, empty, hollow and unsure in everything regarding my trans-journey. It feels like Ive fallen down a hole again, where everything just doesnt "fulfill" me.
What scares me about going on HRT long-term is being wrong, not being ready. What if im not trans? What if im wrong? What if my beliefs for thinking I am trans is rooted in the entirely wrong things and im just actually not? I want to figure that out before i commit and I struggle alot with it. What if this is just depression? What if its completely unrelated? The goblins in my head keep screaming at me.
Im not one to read in too much to dreams but i heard someone talk about one of the signs that made them realize they were trans were that they were always a girl in their dreams. Either way, that made me realize im no one in my dreams. Im always someone, as in first-person actually-a-person someone. But never more than so. Not leaning towards any "gender" in that sense. And that kinda gave me a little scare. Like wtf does that even mean?
In the end I try to tell myself. "Do whatever makes you happy". But i have an incredibly hard time of actually believing in that for some reason. I know im not cis atleast, that is very certain. But i feel like i went out on the self-discovery/identity-discovery journey with a clear direction and now i just sit alone on an open ocean, unsure of what to do. (Note, i do not care too much for labels but im just scared of heading in the wrong direction, very common L for me)
I dont even know what advice or help im looking for but I figured its probably better to post it here than keep it in my head for even longer.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your comments. Im sorry if I didnt answer but I will tell you that every single one of you helped alot. The amount of hope and strength you reinvigorated in me is unbelievable. This post really was the right choice.
Thank you all for commenting. You're all amazing ❤️
Only you are the expert on your own experience but what you have written here and in your previous brain goblin post is consistent with transfeminine experience and with our desperate pretransitional need for assurance, for signs, for authenticity, for a certainty to wield as truth against our own self-doubt. I had an experience, a revelation, which altered my self-theorization with respect to gender in a transfeminine way, changing the emotional context of my gendered memories, and placing me in touch with a traumatic realization that things didn't have to be this way, that I could have been living a woman's life all along, but afterwards I didn't want to trust myself, trust that this was indeed the kind of experience from whence one's gender is acquired, and preferred to wait for some unknown something to afford me additional insight by which to justify transition to myself and the world. Some of us are more gendery than others and there are many paths to self-knowledge, but if your experience is similar to mine, how long do you want to wait? What finally pushed me over the YOLO ledge was feeling that whether I was a trans woman or not I still wanted to start HRT and transition, thinking that surely only a trans person would want to transition, and trusting that I would find whatever certainty I needed along the way. In retrospect, searching for some true core gender identity didn't really work for me but embracing my own agency and my process of becoming definitely did work. Recently I've been reflecting on whether the insecurity over seizing the means of our own self-production is a Capitalism thing. I kinda think you have a case of Capitalism.
I truly have become the thing I swore to destroy. Thank you ❤️