Hi again everyone, im back with I dont even know what. Kind of a vent, kinda looking for advice/support? I just feel kind of lost right now.
I stopped HRT 3-4 weeks ago (after the 3 week trial period I decided to start).
Its hard to judge any definitive effects (time period, dosage, not being able to get my levels checked etc) but i think i felt better during that time. My partner atleast confirms they saw me as more happy/fulfilled/"whole" than they ever had seen me before, atleast during the last half of the trial period. And i can atleast confirm some experiences that felt new to me, an "excitement" or "urge" to go out for once. See what actually exists around were we recently moved to and such. Just more motivation generally but im not sure if i can attribute that to the HRT.
Im back now, a few weeks after stopping HRT and i dont even know where i am. I feel like im kinda back at where i started, empty, hollow and unsure in everything regarding my trans-journey. It feels like Ive fallen down a hole again, where everything just doesnt "fulfill" me.
What scares me about going on HRT long-term is being wrong, not being ready. What if im not trans? What if im wrong? What if my beliefs for thinking I am trans is rooted in the entirely wrong things and im just actually not? I want to figure that out before i commit and I struggle alot with it. What if this is just depression? What if its completely unrelated? The goblins in my head keep screaming at me.
Im not one to read in too much to dreams but i heard someone talk about one of the signs that made them realize they were trans were that they were always a girl in their dreams. Either way, that made me realize im no one in my dreams. Im always someone, as in first-person actually-a-person someone. But never more than so. Not leaning towards any "gender" in that sense. And that kinda gave me a little scare. Like wtf does that even mean?
In the end I try to tell myself. "Do whatever makes you happy". But i have an incredibly hard time of actually believing in that for some reason. I know im not cis atleast, that is very certain. But i feel like i went out on the self-discovery/identity-discovery journey with a clear direction and now i just sit alone on an open ocean, unsure of what to do. (Note, i do not care too much for labels but im just scared of heading in the wrong direction, very common L for me)
I dont even know what advice or help im looking for but I figured its probably better to post it here than keep it in my head for even longer.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your comments. Im sorry if I didnt answer but I will tell you that every single one of you helped alot. The amount of hope and strength you reinvigorated in me is unbelievable. This post really was the right choice.
Thank you all for commenting. You're all amazing ❤️
I was always pretty sure I was gonna go on HRT after coming out (they/them) but definitely had similar doubts. In the end i started because i wanted to. I wanted to look more fem. I spent a year being more fem which was the best time ever but still tough. Now i'm 2 years on E and i love it! I started slow and orally but planning on changing to gel at my next appointment. I'm lucky and would do diy if it wasn't accessible.
Only you can know if it's right for you. When i read the effects HRT would have they sounded great lol if you want the changes HRT brings there's a good chance you're gonna feel better. It's a big decision though and it does affect how you're seen in the world. Depending on where you live that can be scary.
If you feel you're headed in the wrong direction you can always change course. It's your life. Trust yourself.