Hi again everyone, im back with I dont even know what. Kind of a vent, kinda looking for advice/support? I just feel kind of lost right now.
I stopped HRT 3-4 weeks ago (after the 3 week trial period I decided to start).
Its hard to judge any definitive effects (time period, dosage, not being able to get my levels checked etc) but i think i felt better during that time. My partner atleast confirms they saw me as more happy/fulfilled/"whole" than they ever had seen me before, atleast during the last half of the trial period. And i can atleast confirm some experiences that felt new to me, an "excitement" or "urge" to go out for once. See what actually exists around were we recently moved to and such. Just more motivation generally but im not sure if i can attribute that to the HRT.
Im back now, a few weeks after stopping HRT and i dont even know where i am. I feel like im kinda back at where i started, empty, hollow and unsure in everything regarding my trans-journey. It feels like Ive fallen down a hole again, where everything just doesnt "fulfill" me.
What scares me about going on HRT long-term is being wrong, not being ready. What if im not trans? What if im wrong? What if my beliefs for thinking I am trans is rooted in the entirely wrong things and im just actually not? I want to figure that out before i commit and I struggle alot with it. What if this is just depression? What if its completely unrelated? The goblins in my head keep screaming at me.
Im not one to read in too much to dreams but i heard someone talk about one of the signs that made them realize they were trans were that they were always a girl in their dreams. Either way, that made me realize im no one in my dreams. Im always someone, as in first-person actually-a-person someone. But never more than so. Not leaning towards any "gender" in that sense. And that kinda gave me a little scare. Like wtf does that even mean?
In the end I try to tell myself. "Do whatever makes you happy". But i have an incredibly hard time of actually believing in that for some reason. I know im not cis atleast, that is very certain. But i feel like i went out on the self-discovery/identity-discovery journey with a clear direction and now i just sit alone on an open ocean, unsure of what to do. (Note, i do not care too much for labels but im just scared of heading in the wrong direction, very common L for me)
I dont even know what advice or help im looking for but I figured its probably better to post it here than keep it in my head for even longer.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your comments. Im sorry if I didnt answer but I will tell you that every single one of you helped alot. The amount of hope and strength you reinvigorated in me is unbelievable. This post really was the right choice.
Thank you all for commenting. You're all amazing ❤️
I can't tell you if you are trans or not, but I can share my experience with HRT that started similar to yours.
When I first started HRT I was worried about not being trans enough. What if I was wasn't trans and I just got attached to the idea of HRT solving my problems. I was also depressed. Years before HRT I tried treating the depression without any mention of possibly being trans. It didn't work. I decided to try HRT without worrying about the depression. When I went to the informed consent LGBTQ clinic I was afraid they would tell me I couldn't have HRT. I realized that I would be sad if that happened. I decided I would try DIY HRT if I couldn't access hrt through the official channels. I was prescribed HRT and started with pills to take twice a day. My depression got better. That lasted for 2 weeks. I started getting treatment for depression and it took a while to notice the effects. At one point I stopped my depression medication and noticed all of the old habbits I slipped back into. On the medication I wasn't noticeably better, but when I stopped I was obviously worse. I got back on the medication.
Now, after 2 years of HRT, I am starting to taper off of the depression medication at the recommendation of my psychiatrist. Things are going well. I'm happier. I now care about myself and want to improve things. I started skincare and haircare routines. I'm losing weight. I have done several projects to improve my quality of life and have several more planned.
HRT was the right choice for me.