Hi again everyone, im back with I dont even know what. Kind of a vent, kinda looking for advice/support? I just feel kind of lost right now.
I stopped HRT 3-4 weeks ago (after the 3 week trial period I decided to start).
Its hard to judge any definitive effects (time period, dosage, not being able to get my levels checked etc) but i think i felt better during that time. My partner atleast confirms they saw me as more happy/fulfilled/"whole" than they ever had seen me before, atleast during the last half of the trial period. And i can atleast confirm some experiences that felt new to me, an "excitement" or "urge" to go out for once. See what actually exists around were we recently moved to and such. Just more motivation generally but im not sure if i can attribute that to the HRT.
Im back now, a few weeks after stopping HRT and i dont even know where i am. I feel like im kinda back at where i started, empty, hollow and unsure in everything regarding my trans-journey. It feels like Ive fallen down a hole again, where everything just doesnt "fulfill" me.
What scares me about going on HRT long-term is being wrong, not being ready. What if im not trans? What if im wrong? What if my beliefs for thinking I am trans is rooted in the entirely wrong things and im just actually not? I want to figure that out before i commit and I struggle alot with it. What if this is just depression? What if its completely unrelated? The goblins in my head keep screaming at me.
Im not one to read in too much to dreams but i heard someone talk about one of the signs that made them realize they were trans were that they were always a girl in their dreams. Either way, that made me realize im no one in my dreams. Im always someone, as in first-person actually-a-person someone. But never more than so. Not leaning towards any "gender" in that sense. And that kinda gave me a little scare. Like wtf does that even mean?
In the end I try to tell myself. "Do whatever makes you happy". But i have an incredibly hard time of actually believing in that for some reason. I know im not cis atleast, that is very certain. But i feel like i went out on the self-discovery/identity-discovery journey with a clear direction and now i just sit alone on an open ocean, unsure of what to do. (Note, i do not care too much for labels but im just scared of heading in the wrong direction, very common L for me)
I dont even know what advice or help im looking for but I figured its probably better to post it here than keep it in my head for even longer.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your comments. Im sorry if I didnt answer but I will tell you that every single one of you helped alot. The amount of hope and strength you reinvigorated in me is unbelievable. This post really was the right choice.
Thank you all for commenting. You're all amazing ❤️
fwiw this sounds like pretty much exactly the trans experience. ive had almost all the thoughts you shared. dont sweat if you dont have the stereotypical feelings people associate with being trans fem. everyone has a different experience and theres no one right way to be trans. it sounds like you did enjoy being on hormones, and you arent enjoying being off them. id say start them again and just see if you stop enjoying them. you wont get any obvious permanent changes for a while unless you get really lucky with your boob genetics so you can always stop if you change your mind. from what youve said i doubt you will. its ok to want this. you can give yourself permission to do what makes you happy. i know how hard that can be, but you deserve it.
Reading through all the comments, and theyre all very beautiful and helpful. But yours made me tear up. Thank you ❤️
Im really gonna put in an effort. If I let all the smoke screens fade I know what I want. Theres so much clutter in my head telling me to stop, wait, be afraid, do this, explain that, etc etc.
When, it at really doesnt matter. Does it? I just have to put myself in front for once. If there were no walls I know what I would do. If there was no outside to confront or deal with I know I would have started HRT years ago. Maybe its time I actually let myself do that.
Maybe its time i put Nina in front instead of hiding behind the weird meatshield of a shell I figured I would need to catch all the shrapnel on. Maybe it was all so scary because I figured id need to deal with everything as a shell first, and that was too much. But that shell doesnt need to be hollow. Thank you for helping me realize this. Taking thing as I go is most likely the way forward.
Thank you, really ❤️