this post was submitted on 27 May 2026
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While not the stereotypical extrovert, I experience the opposite in my country.
I think, on a world wide scale, I would be considered very introverted, but by Danish standards I'm too social. I've become more introverted over time because it is too exhausting trying to get something going with people around me. Danes make all their friends in their youth and then they close the gates at 30 and never allow in any other new friendships or acquaintances ever again. And if they do, it's against their will.
We moved into a new neighborhood five months ago, and I still don't know anyone. Our closest neighbors have politely demonstrated that they desire to not know me despite my attempts at getting to know them and I am self aware enough to know when to just let it go and avoid thing becoming uncomfortable.
It really sucks, because I always dreamed of having good relationships with my neighbors and inviting people over for cook outs or something. But Danes are hermit crabs.
I had it confirmed when I befriended a Ukrainian refugee who told me that in the two years he had been a refugee in Denmark, I had literally been the only Dane to bother to get to know him and been friendly and open to him. Told him that I'm also a very shitty Dane.
So yeah, I dunno what it's like to be an introvert stuck in an extrovert society. But I do know what it's like to be extroverted introvert in a hyper introverted society and that sucks as well, because you end up becoming very, very lonely if you don't hit the jackpot with evergreen friendships when you still have your milk teeth.
As someone from the northern European countryside, you'll never fully fit in. You need to have at least several generations of ~~incest~~ family ties to be seen as a true native. Best you can hope for is "they're alright for outsiders, I guess".
What helps, if you want to fit in better, is joining the usual clubs. At my place, that meant (for men at least) things like voluntary firefighters, men's choir, and tennis/football clubs. Also, show up on traditional festivities and events, and be prepared to drink. Functional alcoholics are suspicious of people who don't drink with them, so if you cannot or don't want to keep up with them, excuse yourself early and say you need to drive/take care of your kids/work tomorrow early.
Actually, half of that advice goes for any context, not just rednecks.
I'm not sure if I communicated things properly in my first comment, but based on yours, it almost sounds like you think I'm a foreigner, which I'm not! :D I'm Danish born and bred. Sorry if I was unclear, but that was kind of the point of my original comment, that I'm somewhat of an outgoing person in a hyper introverted society.
I will also say that while I do crave social connections, I'm not interested in meeting new people just for the sake of it.
I have plenty of good friends and a nice social network. The thing is that the closest friend to me lives an hour away. The furthest one lives on a different continent. I have often joked that the closer friend I am to someone, the further away they live.
So for me, the goal is to just become friendly with neighbors. Not to go out and join a bunch of clubs or festivals or go to pubs and meet people there.
When it comes to alcohol, I would be cool with having neighbors over for a beer in the garden or something like that, but I'm not going partying with people who are "functional" alcoholics. I have seen my fair share of people who've ended up on that trajectory, and that's not the type of mess I want to invite into my life.
As for joining clubs and such, there isn't a lot of interesting clubs in my area and those that seem interesting are at least an hour away. And that's part of the problem, because the people I'd potentially meet there, will most likely also live far away and then I have done nothing but add to the list of friends who live too far away for casual, neighborly relationships.
I think your suggestions are fine for someone who just moved to Denmark and have zero network and just needs to get out there and look for anything and everything to build a foundation on. That's not me, though xD
This is all from my experience as someone who moved to the countryside as a kid, so, feel free to disregard anything that does not match your situation. I am writing this in the hope that it's useful, but knowing that it might not apply. I have never lived in Denmark, and if the people are similar to Frisians, I can imagine how it is.
I am not sure if I misunderstood you or not. I am born in this country as well, as are my parents and their parents, we all look clearly European, speak the regional dialect and so on. But we made the mistake of moving from a city to a village about 60km away. That already means we count as foreigners in the minds of many people.
If your family does not have ties to the village you are in, or at least to the neighbouring villages, you are a foreigner. Of course, it is mostly old and grumpy people, but it is what it is, sadly. It's even more stupid than the "normal" racism.
No, my point was this: if you want to be part of the "in group", join the local club. Even if you don't like it, if you think the people are stupid or if you are not interested in the topic. The goal is not to find new friends, the goal is to be seen as "Nangijala from the tennis club" and not "Nangijala who just moved here, 20 years ago". Even then, some particularly stupid people will barely tolerate you, be prepared that they'll still do some things without you because your parents did not go to the same primary school.
Then, of course, there is the whole idea about not having the same interest. Narrow-minded people are narrow-minded, and with the local club or tradition, the goal is to be part of the group. It's fine to have weird interests, as long as you have some things other people and you can connect on.
Your mileage may vary, and certainly, things are moving in the right direction even compared to 10, 20 years ago. Over here, heavy drinking is quite socially accepted, because many people are unable to have a genuine conversation or be interesting while sober. A few permille of beer, and they will be more accepting, open, and "funny". Unfortunately, it is the great social lubricant, and some people never learned to enjoy company while sober. I also don't really see the point in that, I am not against alcohol and the effects of a beer or three in good company, but I've seen it being pushed to another level in village festivities.
They simply don't yet know they want to be your friend. Abduct them and bring them on an adventure, use that time to learn how your lives can mesh together.
You can't go wrong with motorcycle journey and/or hiking up a mountain.
You aren't wrong! Only problem is that I don't know how to drive a motorcycle and we don't have mountains in my country xD
But in all seriousness, I genuinely think they don't want to know us, and I want to respect that. Maybe they will warm up to us eventually or maybe we will remain strangers, but I'll continue to smile and wave whenever I see them. So far the only living beings who's given a fuck about us are local birds, who use our garden for nesting, a neighbor's dog who spent the first three months of us living here, barking at us everytime it saw us and a neighbor kid who was super chatty about princesses one day when we were out gardening.
The dog doesn't even come over to look at us anymore. I'm actually starting to miss him barking at me every single day. The only time he came out barking recently was when a delivery guy came to drop off a new fridge for my boyfriend. Then all of a sudden, Mr Dog could bark. The driver was scared, while I was low key jealous. Like bruh, at least he acknowledges that you exist, mate. Do you know how devastating it is to move in and getting used to this big dog greeting you everyday and then one day, all of a sudden, he just stops giving a fuck about you and ignores your presence??? It's bad enough that the human neighbors pretend I don't exist, but now even the guard dog is like: bitch, you boring.
Dx
My boyfriend thinks its awesome that our neighbors don't care about us and would hate my dream scenario of casually inviting people over for a beer or coke on the veranda and chatting about whatever.
It's not like I want people to run through our house all the time and us never getting any privacy, but I would like to have spontaneous chats over the hedge a couple of times a month at least. Even every second month would be cool. But you can't force people to want to what you want, so eh.
A community isn't just a bunch of people with good feelings towards eachother, look for mutually beneficial relationships. Clearly he has no use for socializing in and of itself, is he mechanically inclined? Ask him for help or just advice with a car problem, bake extra bread and give him some, do you both have kids? Theres common interest in discussing whatever is going on with them.
I am aware of that. The thing about Danes is that we aren't inclined to have communities. In some places, communities are easier to build than others, but Danes are generally uninterested in putting time and energy into community stuff. Which I understand. On one side, we just arent a social people and on the other side our jobs are mentally draining so many people just want to go home at the end of the day and scroll their phone, eat some food and watch a film or play video games.
There isn't much power left to do community stuff on the side. I think a lot of people would like to have a lively community, but barely any want to put in the work, so it is often up to the few to keep something going and then maybe people will show up and enjoy what you spent time, money and effort on, but they will also leave when the fun part is over or when they get bored and they won't help cleaning up either.
My boyfriend used to be a chairman in a little hobby organization for years and he did so much for that organization and people did fuck all to help him out. When he left, they had to get four or five people to take care of the full responsibility he had taken on because not one person could be bothered to do everything he had done on his own.
I have heard similar stories from friends and colleagues who try to keep their local community alive. One trains football for local kids and the neighborhood parents don't do anything to help out. He gets nothing out of it other than the kids getting to have comradery, but it's basically an unpaid part time job he's taken on because he believes in community even if the community doesn't think they need to do their part.
Where I grew up, we were actually blessed to have good neighbors on our road, but we also lived very isolated in the countryside and actually needed each other more than the people needed one another in the village. Both our families also happened to be newcomers from other parts of the country and that automatically excluded us from the wider community in the area.
I really am not kidding when I'm saying that unless you grew up with people in an area, you will be friendless. That goes for local communities too. You can't move into a neighborhood and expect to become a part of it even if you put in the effort. You can be lucky to be accepted, but don't expect it.
It is a very common thing for Danish immigrants, refugees and those who come here for work, to complain about how closed off Danes are. How it is like standing in front of a fortress when you're trying to get to know a Dane.
That's why making baked goods or asking for favors probably wouldn't yield any other results than my neighbors reluctantly accepting to help and then go back to their house and close the door when it's over.
Because I have definitely considered the baked goods thing, but hopped away from that idea, because you do not just come knocking at somebody's house unless it's an emergency.
One of my colleagues attempted the baked goods thing in her neighborhood at one point and was quickly deterred because the neighbors didn't react well to it.