I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

"they would need massive fares to profit" and "they would be cheaper if privatized" seem like 2 obviously contradictory ideas

I’m very aware of NJTransit, the MTA, and SEPTA. I can’t drive, but I know that they cost more in my taxes to run than they would if they were privatized but legislated in terms of salaries, etc.

In what fucking world would privatized public transport be cheaper.

It’s just a matter of fact that for them to run a profit, fares would be massive.

In order for them to run a profit in the current, individual car-dominated society, NJTransit would have to...

... double its fares.

In other words, still far fucking cheaper than a car payment, car insurance, gas, and maintenance. Hope you like parking fees, too.

Not to mention, the cost of taxis/"rideshares” when the buses & trains inevitably can’t get to where you need to go, or when they’re 15+ minutes late, or when they only run so rarely that they may as well not run at all.

Fuck man, I've lived in incredibly shitty areas for public transportation and most of the cities I've lived in have always been open to me, a fucking cripple with a limp. You're treating edge cases like the norm.

If you run a bus/train service and want to actually compete with cars, you need to have a truly massive number of vehicles on the road and rail, which means a massive skilled labor force between mechanics and crew, dispatchers, drivers, and route managers - all of whom expect to be paid more than minimum wage.

... okay? Do you think they're being paid minimum wage now...?

And you can’t assume 100% fill on every bus trip (that’s how you get situations where the buses run once an hour or less), so you have to charge based on minimum fill rate, so that every ride is at least guaranteed breakeven.

I really hope your job doesn't involve making decisions for any businesses, because that's a horrible understanding of firm economics. You don't charge based on the prospect of every individual ride breaking even; you charge knowing that the reliability of the service in low-usage periods ensures the continued usage during high-usage (and thus high-revenue) periods.