Humans are all different people. You remember a dad who was a mean drunk. And who changed when you were 13.

You say that was too old to bond. I disagree. Any age is an acceptable age to bond with someone, if you want to. You developed defense mechanisms, maybe even subconciously, to prevent bonding with an individual whom your brain deemed a threat to hurt you emotionally. You built a blockade.

I say this, because your story is similar in some ways to my story. Yet polar opposites in others.

I grew up in a household where my mom abandoned me when she left my dad. I was 5. My dad was a daily alcoholic to the point that by age 7 I was responsible for rolling him onto his belly (so that if he vomited in his sleep, he wouldn't choke on his vomit), check his breathing, and checking his pulse. If I couldn't feel breathing or a pulse, call 911.

The difference I see in your dad vs mine is that my dad is still like this today. I'm 42 now. He lives alone at age 78. Everyday I wake up, look at my phone, and know that there's always a chance that I'll have a voicemail that my dad died in his sleep, after drinking too much the night before.

It seems like your father was a good hearted man, trapped behind demons and stress. He went broke trying to be too kind.

Yes, I fully understand the memories you may have of being 6 years old, and beaten with a belt over things that aren't your fault. But I see your dad as having had a moment of self reflection, and regret. Those are characteristics of a good man. The ability to self reflect, and react to what he sees in the mirror.

13 wasn't too late to bond. It was just the hurt was too deep. And I get it, but it still sucks.

When my grandmother died at age 103, I was an uncontrollable crying mess. That woman legitimately is was and always will be my hero in life.

When my dad dies? Unless there's some legal reason I need to be there, I'm not even sure I'll attend.

My point is, as people, we only have our own perspective to judge life on. It's easy to think that things are normal, or easy, or hard, or any number of things because it's all we know. But somewhere, out there in the world is someone else going through the same thing. Someone else going through something completely different.

I never had kids, because when my dad was drunk, which was daily, he'd get mad about (insert whatever happened that day), and he'd scream at me "WHAT IF YOUR KID DID THIS TO YOU??? WOULD YOU LET YOUR KID GET AWAY WITH THIS???" and at the time, I was 6. I had no other perspective to know that wasn't a normal thing to yell at your own child over trivial things.

And the thing that kept me from ever wanting kids isn't the idea of "what if your kids did this to you?". It's more of the idea of "What if I turn into my dad when I grow up?"

And so, that in a way is a defensive mechanism of my own. I watched growing up both parents not love me. It never scared me what they could do to me. It terrified me what I could do to myself or my own kid. Because I'm WAAAAAAY more violent than either of them ever were. My dad would beat me with a belt because in his mind it was being a good parent. Whereas I threw kids down the concrete stairs, and then jumped onto them from 1 story above, because I thought it was fun.

Then when I got older, those words kept ringing in my head. I could see my dads bloodshot eyes, as he screamed those words, with equal parts of him trying to convey dominance, and looking for pity.

And it made me wonder. What WOULD I do to/with/for my kids if they act up? And I don't want to be my father. I don't want to be so drunk I don't remember my actions the next day. I don't want to beat a childs ass until it's purple. But I also don't know what I should do instead.

And that's when I realized the truth. I wasn't raised in an environment supported by love. I wasn't shown what love looked like. I don't know what a healthy parent relationship looks like. So maybe I'm not the guy who should have kids. Maybe I shouldn't date. All I would do is bring her down. All I would do is fuck up my own kids lives. Maybe I should just be alone.

And that's the different road traveled. Your dad went out of his way to try to be a good dad, and failed at times, but good intentions were still there. Even if he never told you, I'm sure there were times when you were 16, doing stupid teenager shit, that he watched and thought ashamed of years past. It's hard for men to admit they have regrets. It sounds like he regretted his past, but never was allowed back in to bond with you.

Usually this is the part where I say to reach out to your dad, and even in adulthood connect to bond. No age is too late for that. But given the title of this thread, I guess there is one age that is too late. So I guess if nothing else, if you have kids, now or later in life, you can at least learn from life. Don't be your dad, wishing he could connect, but too proud to admit it. Invest time in what your kids like. If thats minecraft, build a base, and go mining with them. If they like baseball, take them to a game. Whatever their interests are.

And as for today, I want you to get a sheet of paper. Write a letter to your dad. Thats what I did the night my grandma died. I still write her letters for her birthday. Christmas. Thanksgiving. Easter. It seems to work out to be about once a month. Not saying you need to do it that often. But I find it comforts me, so I do it more often.

Just write one letter to him. Tell him all your frustrations. Tell him your dreams. Tell him everything you feel was a barrier between you two. Clear the air. This will allow you to forgive him, and forgive yourself. I don't know for what. I don't know the specifics. We all have different things we hold onto. And it sounds like both of you held onto things that kept you apart, yet still loved each other.