Relationship Advice

Today, I was talking to this girl N (who even punched me once!) and she constantly complained about having no friends.

I told her that this one girl, R, seemed very happy to have her as a friend. N said “I can’t be seen with someone like her.”

Then, with someone named J. “He’s a (n-word). I don’t like his kind.”

She rejected someone being her friend and said “I’m too cool to be seen with that (r-word).”

Eventually, I just told her that was the reason why she had no friends. She got pissed that I DARE to say such a thing.

I had some relationships before, but one of them (10 Years from now) hit me so hard, that i struggle with it for today on. My Ex Cheated on me with several other guys on a schooltrip. We were in an monogam relationship that time so... Needless to say that I ended it after that trip.

After that time i See dangerous in other guys for my relationships.

I know that it is not the case. And that my previous relationships is not my current one, but that trauma sits deep whithin me. I was often jealous but with the help of a book i managed to control it, and things got better.

My current girlfriend has a longtime friend (Kevin) since school. They sometimes seeing each other and walk together through the park. That happens 2-4 Times a year. So not really often.

On one trip Kevin told my girlfriend, that he met a girl (Sahra) which he only knows from a videogame, fucked her and wants to move to her by 2025. Sahra had a relationship in that time. So she cheated with Kevin on her boyfriend (Mathew) that time. On New Years Eve Sahra broke up with Kevin because things between her and her boyfriend Mathew got better again. Remember that for later.

My girlfriend and I live together but sometimes she stays on her parents house to watch their cats. Most of the time I am with her to help her.

One day in 2022 she broke up with me for several hours on our Anniversary-Date after dinner.

She told me that for her taste we had too often sex, and that she is not comfortable with that. I told her, that we could discussed that normally without a breakup and that we can slow things down. So after that day, we came from 2-3 Times Sex in a week to... 2-4 in a year. But we managed to stay together and things again got better.

We stayed for this week at her parents house, to watch their cats again.

Yesterday I drove home, while she visited a friend.

Today we would meet up again at her parents home and stay for the weekend together.

But she told me, that Kevin - which I introduced before -, wants to meet up with her, at her parents home, to play some boardgames and watch films together.

I said "okay, what should I bring from home?". And than she told me, that she would do something in private with him in her parents house. I told her, that by the circumstances I'm not okay with this, because I've a bad feeling about this. Now she isn't replying since hours... And that drives me crazy -_- Am I overreacting?

at around 16ftm, i had a group of online friends i interacted with. i also showed a lot of signs of bipolar and still do.

my one friend ryan (17m) told me to shut the fuck up, stop complaining, “just get help already” (i had therapy) and said people with mental illness were just burdens.

ryan also seemed hypocritical to me because he would say things like that but would also CONSTANTLY talk about how depressed he was and that life is just suffering, etc.

he then told me his behavior towards me was because he takes the “tough love” approach. he also proceeded to ghost me and made excuses for his behavior because of his depression, which he also said was tough love.

furthermore, i had a few online friends (19m, 23m, 30m?)

19m was just a friend of my friend (who also happens to be my ex, at the time 17m)

23m had common interests like games and tv shows with me

30m was someone i occasionally talked to, neurodivergent and didn’t have many friends nor knew how to make any. i was the only person he talked to and i would draw for him due to him not having time to do it himself.

ryan and his friends told me i was being sa’d, in fact, severely so, but i was too naive and liked them too much to realize and that it was their job as friends to protect me.

this gave me an extreme breakdown as they repeatedly shamed me for who i interacted with, didn’t really care about what i had to say sometimes, and accused random people of being sa’d when i have actually BEEN sa’d in the past.

i told them i don’t need them to take care of me as i could control who i talked to and if any of them tried anything like that, i’d block them.

be it romantic, friendly, or even sexual harassment, my abuser said i wasn’t even good enough to be sexually harassed.

that i’m autistic and therefore less than human, an animal, a child. i shouldn’t have relationships as a “child” and i’m not even attractive enough or deserving of being kissed, touched, or pat on the shoulder in a friendly gesture.

that i never had to worry abt sexual harassment because i was that gross and autistic.

if i have any sort of interest in anything, be it a tv show, motivation for a project, a collection, etc. even if i only mention it once, i’m suddenly obsessed.

i should just give up if my plan involves many steps.

i’ve been treated badly by a “friend” for years but i’m still tempted to stay due to having a trauma bond i’m trying to break off. i mentioned once what they said to me (which is what they said in a previous post) and one of my family members said i was obsessed with them and to “just not be upset”, “why was i so insecure”, “i wasn’t abused”, etc.

i can’t mention anything to this person without him making a comment and then he asks why i don’t talk to him

my friends are mostly nice people, although obviously negative without many friends. they constantly have to bring up me having autism or being the r-slur when something comes up.

they tell me not to be friends with certain people, not to hang out with them and make more friends because “they hate me, they see me as subhuman because im autistic”.

my one friend, j (18m) has autism and needs more support than i do. he, however, tells me no one hates me except for certain bullies who have talked behind our backs, but have also talked behind like 98% of people they know’s.

the first friend i mentioned says people will continue to hate me for as long as i’m in special ed (“sp3d” and “ret4rded”) and that if i truly want to be liked, i should stop spending time with j because he’s “slow” and “severely autistic”.

she also says “I don’t wanna judge and hate autistic people but I do 🤭” but uses the “i have adhd, bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, etc!” excuse.

the odd thing is that i’m in advanced classes (all honors) but i’m being considered “slow”, which i said, but she replied with “well I don’t think you are! they do though!”

if people are actually nice to me, she says “well, they’re actually bullies but they have to be nice to autistic kids.”

she could be truthful and looking out for me, or be looking out for me with a despairing view (no hope for others)

and the thing i’m upset about the most is that people that aren’t j or them hate me because IM autistic. im in honors but still seen as slow. j is very smart but seen as slow. yes, i can see why people wouldn’t like the fact that he’s eccentric or socially awkward, but you should never assume he’s slow, especially when he’s highly intelligent.

And now he thinks I’m an a-hole for questioning his decision. He has a YouTube page with about 600 subscribers (more on Insta), it’s a niche topic that he could honestly probably broaden and monetize if he wanted to and had the time. There’s a lot of friendly exchange of swag and small products in the genre and quick reels and reviews that follow. But recently a company asked him to do a review of their approximately $300 product and they would send it to him free and he could keep it. Okay cool, he’s small time and wants more subs so why not. Turns out they sent him a contract to sign that specified it be a 10 minute video, specifies how it needs to be shot, what needs to be included, he can’t discuss it with other ppl, etc. They’re not paying him anything, he didn’t ask for the product, and he’s agreeing to be contractually obligated to whatever terms are in this contract for a product he didn’t even ask for. Mind you he is a professional videographer and editor by trade, a 10 minute video from his skill set, experience, and location should cost $1000s. I’m not begrudging him for doing it for free, it’s the signing of a contract this really throwing me off. Now he thinks I’m calling him stupid (I didn’t) and is insanely pissed at me for not agreeing with his decision and for wanting him to advocate for himself. I’m in real estate and deal with contracts all day long and he took my aversion to him signing something under these circumstances as an insult on his intelligence. I lost certainly didn’t mean that.

Big side note here is that we’ve recently discussed the possibility of him quitting his day job, which he’s come to hate, and focusing on trying to full time content create. But I’m genuinely worried about his ability to advocate for himself and value his worth and abilities and monetize that in any way. We would still have had this disagreement without that side note, but I’m sure it’s important to note regardless.

Anywho, where do I go from here?

This is messy, contradicting, and wrong.

My best friend, who I will call Grace, is an amazing woman. She is caring, fiercely independent, and protective of those she loves. Breathtakingly beautiful, both inside and out. We all have our flaws, and I know hers and accept them as they are. We’ve been like sisters for 5 years now. Grace is a cis woman, and I am a trans woman.

She is in the process of leaving her husband of 20 years, which has been a long time coming. He’s a good man, but a shit husband to her. I’ve been there for her throughout this entire difficult period of her life. Nobody knows her like I do.

I date men exclusively, as does she. Women just don’t have the right…equipment for me. I do like and prefer only the male anatomy, or so I thought. But she is something special. All that said, I think I might be falling in love with her.

Grace is in such a vulnerable place right now. She just wants to be happy. I just want to see her smile, hear her goofy laugh. We have some of the best times together. We laugh and cry together. She’s been there for me in my darkest times, and I hers. We tell each other that we love each other, though for her I’m sure it is platonic. I don’t want to ruin any of this by telling her “I think I love you”.

I don’t think that I would be “enough” for her. I just don’t think she sees me that way. I live an hour away from her. I visit her as often as I can, which is usually on the weekends. We talk on the phone often, especially now with her going through the beginning stages of a divorce. Besides my son (who is my number 1), she is the person I care about most in this life. We send each other IG reels about how much we care about each other, as best friends. She told me she cried yesterday when I sent her a couple of pick me ups.

I’d be anything or anyone I needed to be to be with her. I’m not sure that we are sexually compatible, but that doesn’t matter so much to me, as I have almost no libido. Yes she is stunning, a 10/10 on any metric, but that’s not why I love her. I love her smile. I love her ability to turn anything into a positive and to encourage those around her to do the same. I could go on and on about the things about her that make me smile.

I’ve thought about it, and I think I would even de-transition if that’s what it would take for her to be with me. This is not something I take lightly, as transitioning was the hardest and toughest thing I’ve ever done. But if I did de-transition, I’d be afraid that she would think that this was all a lie just to get with her. I’m deathly afraid of losing her as my best friend, so I say nothing.

There was one time, maybe a year or so ago, when I was plastered, that I told her brother that I thought I loved her. He told me to stop talking, so I did. I pulled him aside a week or so later and did my best to convince him that I was just confused and that I didn’t actually like her like that. But I don’t think I am confused anymore. I feel like I see clearly, and it is tearing me apart. I’m fine loving from afar, as just having her in my life is enough for me. I tell her I gave up on dating, but that’s not the whole truth. I gave up on dating because there is no one else I can see myself with but her. All I want is for her to say “I think I love you too”. But I don’t think she does.

I really wish I didn’t love her like that. It would be so much easier to hear about the attention she receives from guys at the gym or socially. But I am happy to carry on as her best friend, if that means I have her in my life.

I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think I do know what to do: remain her closest confidant and be happy for that.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just need someone, somewhere to know this. This one sided love is enough for me I guess.

Help

ETA: I can’t help but feel like I am betraying her by feeling the way I do. I feel like a liar.

ETA, Again: Just to be clear, I would never take advantage of her current situation in an attempt to get with her. That would be gross and creepy. I have too much respect for her to even entertain the idea. She is my best friend, after all. Even though I feel the way I do, I would never do such a sleazy thing.

Thank you all for your thoughtful, and at times, blunt responses. They have helped me confirm that confessing is not the way.

Please keep them coming, I appreciate the perspective.

Honestly, I think just typing this out to internet strangers has been cathartic, as I don’t have anyone in my life to share this with that would not get around back to her. Sharing this deeply personal situation I am in has helped me think about it in ways that I really had not thought of before.

My grandpa doesn’t understand how hard it is for me to get up in the morning, to not hyperfixate, to not be emotionally unstable.

My friend says it’s normal for him to be like that and makes excuses and defenses for him.

cross-posted from: https://thelemmy.club/post/25445395

My dad literally hits me and punishes me by starving me. However, my friend says he’s “just trying to shape me into the perfect young man” and that he “truly loves me”. This almost makes me think she’s either my dad in secret or dating my dad.

In all seriousness, what do I do? Stop talking to her? Talk to her? Be her friend despite it?

I hope you do love reading. I'm a 19 years old male who lives in Türkiye which you might now as Turkey. For my entire life, I went through one platonic love and one failed relationship in high school. Outside of that, I never had anything serious. I spent most of my time working on my ideal project in isolation. It's been some serious time since I communicated anybody outside of my family. Really, outside of three or four family members, I don't remember having any friends for a few years. There is one year of high school where things changed a bit, but it didn't stayed so long. Shortly, I've been in isolation for total of 6 to 7 years if you contain two pieces, but last one kept going on fore more than 3 years. I have no literal experience in human communication or relationships. All I know by the experiences and learning my own thoughts, I'm very loyal and deeply connected to the people around me. This might be happening because of low count of people, but this has been a thing since childhood. I can say I'd be very loyal and love filled towards my partner, trying to support them through things. The problem is, I have many negative traits.

I know this might sound stupid or selfish to ask for a relationship now because I'm not in a good situation. I'm poor, I live in a third world country, I'm not healthy but it's just that I'm 19 years old now and maybe because of hormones -I'm not sure- I seem to want a relationship. Maybe that's because how relationship of my sister is right in front of my eyes or maybe because just the hormones. Maybe it's just wrong to look for love right now because I'm not suitable and have lots of problems but thinking this way doesn't help. For coming to the "ugly" personality title, I'm honest. I don't have emotional words or anything, I'll be logical. I personally think I can provide things that many people consider attractive for relationship. Actually that's why I lost in my last one. Because of experiences I had in my life, I can only provide minimal physical contact, I find bodies disgusting and I can't eat. Like, literally I'm underweight who finds eating very disgusting to a level where I vomit in average level. I'm not asexual too, I'm just a straight male but I can't provide physical contact at all because my brain is overthinking this situation. The human body has a skeleton and blood vessels surrounding it. Some of these vessels are very thin and delicate. In case of any contact, these capillaries put pressure on each other and cause an uncomfortable feeling. I can't physically feel them but I feel disgusting. Then there is the skin on our fingers or body. They are porous, hairy, sensitive, sticky and prepared to expel disgusting fluids such as sweat. That's disturbing. How can people enjoy physical contact? Nearly every female I found in dating apps seem to like physical contact as their love language. I do wash my hands when I touch to somebody else. Don't misunderstand me, I can find body and face beautiful even sexually but can't contact them.

Then there are eyes. Both of my eyes are problematic and even one of them see blurry -I don't have and don't want glasses- because of some self harm history. I can't even cry because when I do, they burn. And I don't like eyes. Sorry, but they are disgusting. They are two soft, round, wet and veined balls, rotating inside my skull, contacting with my skin. That's disturbing me. This started after the break-up with the last relationship of me. She had beautiful eyes so it became a problem for me.

This is hard to say so I'll just go and count down some of my problems as a list, so you can see why it's hard for me to find a date in look. Some of these are personal but this is an empty account I have here, so no one knows me. My right leg is limping because of the spine problem I have from birth. I always have humpback because of that. I have constant eye pain on both -especially on right one- , have constant headaches because of schizophrenia -yep, I do have that as well. What a surprise, eh? God-damit.- and did I said I do look like 45? I'm not a person who literally took care of my physical traits for years. I can objectively say I don't have a ugly in face. If I just wash it and take care of it a little bit, I'm sure I can be average or maybe even a bit above it, but I have forehead wrinkles because of stress. Somebody in my mom's job made fun of "us" -her and me- being too old. When I told her I'm 19 she was shocked. That feels bad that an another person in the bus stop thought I was 45. Dude, I know I'm not looking healthy but please... The problem is, not all my physical problems can go away with care like the spine problem. That's with me for life.

Even outside of physical problems, I can't say I'm a very interesting person. I spent most of my early teenage years up to this age working on my project -still not finished- Never really had a chance to have interests and I'm a kind of stubborn INTJ who dislikes everything. I just do love some Operas, Vintage Music -1800s to 1930s- and Music Boxes -Don't bully me please-, Antique female fashion -1800s to 1930s again-, reading books -solo only- and my project. Other than that I hate going outside, eating anything, sleeping and playing online games. I seem to like classical dancing, but I'm not sure, never had a partner who'd dance with me.

I tried multiple dating apps. OkCupid, Hinge, Boo and even Bumble but outside of Boo, all seemed to be based on the looks. People consider some of them personality based but I disagree. Many of them don't even allow you to filter people at all or just add a proper description. Maybe I do look for descriptions so much. Sadly my like rate was around %0.30 when I deleted Boo last night. It wasn't being very motivational. At least African scammers were there to give me some notifications. Trust me, I tried adjusting my profile to look honest, self-confident or professional. I tried messaging souls with different ways and even tried specially to choose women that are from "my level" which I saw many people talked about online. But seems like I'm not really attractive and the researches about men getting pairs in dating apps are real. I couldn't get a great chance in any of them and it doesn't seem like the person I look for is in neither of these apps. All want short term relationships, extrovert thinking, sex or just happy moments. I can't provide most of these and I look for an intelligent person who can share their love with me and understand me. Maybe even a person who enjoys my interests or support me through this project. Outside of that, I do find deep, thoughtful, intellegent and feminine women attractive. I don't have a proper "beauty" standart but I do like asymetry and special facial traits that are uncommon :)

I left most of my psychological problems behind except for these leftovers, schizophrenia and many small OCD issues. I can understand an emotional person, would like to have deep conversations and meaningful connection. Ah and I might have some -traumatic- problems with breaking up so, just know that. Sometimes feels like I wish I'd live in 1800s. Life was sucking then but relationships were more simpler. I'd like to be Phantom but the problem is it's not just half of my face like his, I don't look charismatic much as him and I don't have a Catherine. Not that I want to have the same ending with him actually.

Please don't tell me "Go outside" in this third world country where a video game is half of my wage and a coffee is the fun of the rich. There are no events, concerts or even areas to really communicate with people. I live in Sakarya, this place is straight up grassland from Garry's Mod. Even if I could communicate somebody, everybody seems to look for short term relationships where they want to share their lovers on TikTok. Look, I don't want to hate on preferences of the people. You can love any song and if you do, that's beautiful. I do respect it. I'm just trying to say I do look for a person who loves Phantom of the Opera while I'm in a country where LvbelC5's "10 Numara" song -about blonde sexy ladies- is the most listened song. Seriously, look it up, that one got 5 times views more than Phantom of the Opera on YouTube.

I don't know what to do actually. Please do not come with these, I do appreciate them but I definitely need another help;

• Emotional support: Thank you but I do need solutions.
• "Go seek out a therapist" I did. More like, I tried. Trust me that's not a solution and I'm serious.
• "Go outside" I explained this situation as well so please do not repeat.

Please remember this is my first time in years communicating with people right now -even in social media- Yeah, I'm dead serious. I seem to be locked on my project for so long, when my high school friends called me I noticed it's been years and I can't talk to anybody anymore. So please don't go hard on me.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/28186091

A friend approached me confidently about realtionship advice and its a tough thing to address. What better place than to ask Lemmy given the broad scope of culture and more genuine reactions here. We figure what can it hurt.

Background:

A couple in my friend group have been together for 3 or 4 years who really seem to love each other looking in from the outside, are having some tension.

The lady doesn't input the same effort for planning life events, making any sort of weekend plans or after work activities. It's always the guy picking all the slack up and managing problems. Budgeting and making sure everything is in order. He cooks, does the cleaning, and generally does the relationship thinking as a whole. That is not to say there isn't some input from his partner, it seems she's very indecisive from how he describes when making plans or any sort of choices like where to eat or what to do during a problem of any magnitude, almost stress outburst behaviour from her. Defensive type lashing out against him.

He wants to know some advices on how to rebalance the effort scale and to generally improve the dynamic as she seems to be shutting him out according to him. It's always been imbalanced in effort since the beginning he said but they are good together. They want to make it work but the stress and tension is building to unhealthy levels from what I understand as in he's ready to break up. They don't fight really but there's some definite underlying issues, when he tries to talk about it or anything emotional derived she says things like she doesn't know, doesn't know how to explain the way she feels at all and says her mind is sort of blank and that is how he describes most of their deep talks. He described to me that their communication as he's a very involved communicator and she can go off and be unresponsive or completely not answer questions he asks like they don't exist.

There's tension between them she's snappy more often than not and deals with severe depression/anxiety. Hates her job. Is always in a negative mindset. While he is usually more upbeat and postive not bubbly but hopeful.

I've seen him have hard days and be tense and snarky as well who hasnt had a rough day? To me it just isnt like her where she always generally has smart comments towards anything. She's not what I would say is an uptight removed but almost anything can ruin her mood.

I'm likely missing some points here it's not my relationship nor am I good at these things but I'm trying so be easy on me here. The only thing I can tell is they genuinely seem to love each other. Sex life is imbalanced he has a high drive and her very low as in can go months then sometimes 1 to 4 times a month. They did get hormone testing but everything appears normal. Worth noting he said she sleeps excessively like after work all through the night most days. They no longer talk as much or text during the day. Where that used to be more common. He did mention she has a male coworker she works with daily that they are fairly close he is unsure of in-fidelity but they meet for work at his apartment every morning apparently it's easier since they share a work vehicle. I was told that he wanted to quit in a rush a few months ago and they had an argument because he was about to leave and she irrationally seemed to want to quit with him. At the very least their very emotionally tied. It may be nothing he said.

She told him she doesn't feel any different in the relationship for the way she views them when asked.

But just doesn't show attention anymore when he gets upset her response will be Boohoo or similar.

Personally I believe she's burned out and has anxiety on top of horrible depression but I have no real clue how to address that for them. It's such a personal topic.

Lemmy give them some of your best advices they used to be so full of life and laughter. Thank you all! If I missed anything or any specific questions just ask. We both are excited to see what comes of this.

Gggg

First off, didn't know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, I'll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.

Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I should've taken, but we'll see later on), I'm looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that "I should go vegan if I'm allergic to veal" a lot of times before, but to my mind it's way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know it's not the standard way of doing things, but it's how I want to try to do them for now, at least.

Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please don't take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I don't, either.

So, ok, onward to the thick of it. It's about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, I've primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. It's usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each others' trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.

Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - I've, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.

To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really don't want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner won't have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I can't see.

This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?

Because I tried going for the "safer" people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldn’t allow myself to unfold, as it would’ve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldn’t reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I don’t want to be a loved one’s harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried “same, but different,” in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuse…

I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!

.

My boyfriend (m) and i (f) have been together of just about two years and we are going through a rough patch lately. We’ve been fighting a lot, and talking about going to couples counseling. It’s been exhausting, and unfortunately, i noticed he lets it affect special occasions too.

(This post is about my birthday but i will include valentines bc it was very recent, is similiar and could provide insight) The days before valentines, we were in the middle of a fight again, but i still went out of my way to get him something—even though i don’t have a car and had to ask someone to drive me. He, on the other hand, didn’t get me anything. Not even flowers (he knows i adore flowers). When i told him i was upset about that, he said it was because we were fighting that he didnt get anything. ...okay, but that didn’t stop me, did it? (Last valentines when we weren't fighting he also didnt get me anything though so)

After that, we settled things for a bit and were doing fine, but two weeks before my birthday, we got into the same argument again (its one reocurring issue). We weren’t talking much, but obviously, we both knew my birthday was coming up—it’s something he knows is really important to me.

A few days before my birthday, he said something so hurtful that i just hit my limit. I told him not to bother me on my birthday because i was so exhausted from fighting. He said that made him sad because he had wanted to spend time together and was drawing something for me. I told him: "i don’t want to see how nice you can be to me for one day and know that it’s all going to be over after this day ends."

Fast forward to my birthday. First thing, that he messages me was not to say something nice or make me feel special. Instead, he brings up our ongoing fight. Then after that, he says, “i know we aren’t on good terms, but i did want to wish you a happy birthday.” and congratulated me and that was it.

The entire rest of the day? Nothing. No messages. No checking in. He didn’t show me the drawing he said he was working on. just… silence. and yeah, he sent me flowers, but they arrived two days late. and honestly, i was expecting some kind of gift, not just flowers. Because if i had been in his position, even if we were fighting, i would’ve still wanted to show him that he mattered to me. (like i did on valentines day)

Now, i know i told him not to bother me BUT:

• 1. he already ignored that when he messaged me to bring up something regarding our fight.
• 2. how could he just… go along with it? he knows i don’t have any friends where i live. he knows i was most certainly going to be all alone that day. If the roles were reversed, i would have immediately known he was just saying that out of anger and hurt, and i wouldn’t have let him spend his birthday alone. Its not even asking him to read my mind or anything its just. it doesnt take a lot to read inbetween the lines...

I’d like to add that, overall, he is a generous guy and sometiems gives me gifts randomly (and im always thankful!). But when it comes to occasions that actually matter to me to be celebrated/shown you care about the other he just… falls flat or is empty handed. It’s very confusing to me...

so, am i overreacting by feeling really hurt that he just let me be alone on my birthday and didnt even get me anything? or is this on me because i told him not to reach out?

thankful for any feedback ;(

I want some unbiased opinions so I will try to write this from a third person perspective.

There are two friends and they have the kind of relationship where they are open about everything and talk about everything. You could say that it's similar in its depth to a familial relationship or a partnership. We will cal them friend X and friend S.

X is going through a lot and therefore is emotionally overwhelmed at times. S is also going through a lot, but not nearly to the same degree. Both friends are neurodivergent (adhd) but friend S is neurodivergent in a way that is probably more problematic for social interactions.

Both friends mostly interact over text, which S claims is a medium that lacks the nuance of other conversational mediums such as voice, video or real life. Friend X is prone to outbursts of rage over text and Friend S believes that this is because the medium lacks the nuance that could indicate for Friend S that Friend X is about to burst and therefore change their behavior.

I'm sorry that this is kind of dry and robotic, but I really want to get an unbiased perspective, which is very hard when you write things in your own words.

Now here is the issue. When X bursts, S usually would apologize but try to indicate that the conversation lacked the nuance that was needed to understand that this is an explosive topic. And friend x has in the past said that they will try to be clear about how they feel before reaching the point of an outburst.

X doesn't accept this argument and ends up blaming S for lacking emotional intelligence. S on the other hand feels that accusing them of being emotionally unintelligent is insulting and unproductive, while X claims that saying that is just defensive and avoiding responsibility.

You don't have to say who is right or wrong in this situation, but I would like to understand if calling someone emotionally unintelligent can be productive or is it just straight up like calling them dumb as they might claim.

I call her like once a week AT MOST and it's usually after she messages me asking how I am.

I don't take initiative anymore cause literally every time I call her she tells me she's busy and doesn't have time to talk to me or it's not a good time for her (it's never a fucking good time for her).

She doesn't even work she's retired now but she's constantly busy with taking care of her garden and doing renovations with my dad. And generally being his asswipe (she is the only one who cooks or cleans or plans or organizes anything, while they both worked their whole lives, to the point where she can't leave my dad alone EVER because otherwise WHO WILL COOK FOR HIM and he throws a fucking tantrum, also he can't FUCKING DRIVE and refuses to learn so my mom has to do that too ALL THE TIME)

Anyway even when she does message me she doesn't care to talk on the phone cause she's fucking busy. I'm their ONLY CHILD.

To top it all off my dad has recently gone fucking batshit insane. I mean he's usually a fucking dick but lately he's been unhinged as fuck because he has been drinking more. He's literally constantly power tripping, yelling like a fucking maniac over the smallest shit, he's fucking insufferable.

Sorry but my mom is a fucking moron and I don't see her ever leaving him. God their lives are so fucking miserable. I'd rather die in a fucking ditch than end up with a POS abuser like my dad.

He also has some mental illness where everything has to be perfect, so instead of finishing their renovations in a year or two tops, so that my mom can have a FUCKING KITCHEN or a NORMAL PLACE TO SLEEP (she's fucking old now, and has been slaving away for him her whole life) he has been taking 5 FUCKING YEARS for some basic renovations and he is NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED.

Also he is SUPER FRUGAL to the point where he is fucking miserable to live with and makes everyone's life fucking worse except his own.

I've been having a lot of guilt about leaving this shithole country and leaving them behind to fucking die alone. As much as they're pieces of shit they're still my parents and at least my mom loves me in her own fucking demented way.

On the other hand what the fuck do I need to stay here for if I can't even get them on the phone?????? And they've never given a FUCK about my needs, feelings or what I want, they've never fucking supported me in ANYTHING. I'm so fucking pissed at life

Maybe it’s because a lot of them are girls, but they’re like this with guys too. They are very touchy with each other, but it seems awkward if it’s with me.

I’ve asked for permission and they said they don’t like physical contact, so I obviously don’t.

My friends overall seem closer with each other than with me, but I just find it kind of interesting that they make physical contact a lot but not with me (ex: hugging, holding hands, grabbing arm, etc.)

If someone could help me out, that’d be greatly appreciated! I’m not trying to judge, I genuinely don’t understand, which is why I’m asking here. I do understand some cases such as: “Sorry, I only really allow my boyfriend to do that stuff with me”.

seeking advice

Me (26/F) and my husband (33/M) has been married for 3.5 years and we both work from home. he is a programmer and for the last 5 months I began to learn create some things he need for his game that he's creating (which he asked and encouraged me to do) so I've been experiencing some grate changes (I never did anything with technology I was a writer and a literature nerd before). we shared everything from the beginning and I need to mention he always made much more money than me and even now we are living on his savings which are good. and I always do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and feeding our dog and basically everything around the house.

The problem began when once several months ago when I asked him if he can make his own coffee just once, he argued that he is the one working and trying to make money (I was unemployed at that time) so I should have some responsibility and do the things in the house and I wasn't doing enough (our dog shed a lot and I didn't have the time to vacuum yet and didn't make coffee). I didn't say anything and agreed that since i'm not doing anything else i would take care of the house. but i'm not always so clean and although i prepare every meal on time but my kitchen sometimes gets messy but the mess wouldn't stay more than 1/2 days. since then we had this conversation a few other times that the house isn't always clean enough and I acknowledged I'm a little messy and I'll try better.

So since I began to learn and create the things he asked in my computer, I had less time to clean the house, also i need to mention I'm not very fast in this new area and my work goes on a little slow. two days ago he was going out for a swim in the pool and at last minute he turned back and said to me: "I wish my wife would surprise me with a cleaned vacuumed floor when I come back" and without any thought I answered: "well you never surprise me with a clean floor when i come home, and i'm doing stuffs too" . he got angry and said "you don't do anything and left. when he came back he didn't talk or answer me and angrily went vacuuming and then throw the vacuum with great anger that I thought it's definitely broken. then I went to bed and didn't eat for one day, he didn't even checked if i was alive, not until after he heard me vomiting (i have stomach problem and it happened cause i didn't eat) and then he called my mom and said: " she (me) is not feeling well can you bring us some food?!" when i asked him in the middle of my pain that tell her not to come and she'll get nervous seeing me like this he answered:" I want her to come because i didn't eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me." (he had dinner and launch and was lying to punish me for not cooking). anyway my mom came and i got better and that night passed... I gave him every meal on time yesterday and today and we are not talking at all, not a single word from that night, i just give him food and he eats and he's not even working anymore, just watching TV with frowning all the time.

I feel so invalid and I wanted to ask is it true that the one who don't have a job has to do everything in the house alone and say nothing? is he right to demand everything without any help just because we live with his money? I'm confused and I need straightforward frank answers. I feel my emotions has been disvalued in many ways in the last couple of years. I need to know what to do to make things ok, thanks for bear reading this.

PS I think my post isn't shown, let me know

I (40M) love my wife (35F) very much. She makes me smile every day. Even days when I've been mad at her, she still made me smile at some point.

Her childhood was....bad. Her family situation is still bad. She's recently gone no-contact after toeing the line for a long time.

Our physical relationship has always been a little weird. She doesn't like being touched by anyone, and while I'm obviously an exception I can also tell it's still uncomfortable for her. But more than that I crave the type of gentle touch that she dislikes the most.

And while we've had plenty of sex over the course of our relationship, she is now at a point in therapy and recovery where she feels comfortable saying that she simply isn't interested. Maybe she never was. She's still figuring that all out.

I know she loves me and she knows I love her. And we've talked about this. She has tentatively okayed me getting what I need elsewhere, as long as I keep her informed.

But that was a while ago now. And I have no idea how to even begin with that.

If I'm being completely honest, if it were legal where I live, I'd pay for a girlfriend experience once in a while and continue on with my happy marriage. I just need the feeling that I haven't been touched in months to get resolved 😥

So I guess I'm asking how would you handle being a 40yo man exploring some form of polyamory for the first time who wants to be doted on a bit?

My friend Amelia has been pretty irritable lately. According to Ana, Amelia is obsessed with her.

Amelia gets upset when someone else is sitting next to Ana. Even if that seat is assigned, Amelia gets mad and tells the other person “Excuse me, that’s my seat”.

Amelia doesn’t like sitting with anyone else unless it’s Ana. If someone gives Amelia a gift, she’ll be like, “nah, you keep it”. If Ana, however, takes the gift and gives it to her, she wants it because it’s from Ana.

If Ana tells her not to do something or mildly criticizes Amelia, she gets upset for the rest of the day.

(She can handle criticism, but not from Ana).

Amelia will sometimes ask to go to the bathroom, but is actually leaving class to go to talk to Ana.

Amelia has been in a bad mood for a while and will get in a feeling where she only wants to talk to and only likes Ana and doesn’t care for anyone else.

Amelia even refused to spend time with her friends because of this, as she doesn’t want to be anywhere without Ana.

I kinda feel worried for them both, and I wonder if Amelia will be able to function well (or if Ana will not be annoyed and be able to have her own life sometimes).

I’d assume this is just a typical crush/attachment, but I’m asking for advice because I want to check in, but I don’t know if that’ll be necessary.

I’m also worried because what’ll happen if Ana’s not there and she’s somewhere else? What if she moves away? Knowing Amelia, she would probably fall into a depression :(

My BF Jay (15M) and I (15F) have been dating for about a year now. Now, we are obviously young, so I’ll probably need different advice than an adult woman.

Anyway, Jay hardly ever says he loves me (though he’s been starting to now, thankfully), reads my texts and never responds, and had another girl’s name in his bio.

One section said “Status: Taken I love my gfs ❤️ Currently dating: Almond [me], Mae [the other girl]”

Of course, I asked him who Mae was, and he said that she’s a girl he’s been into for a while and who he has been seeing. However, he never told me about Mae, and I’m assuming he never tells Mae about me.

At first, I thought he was just a private guy when he never posted about me and never said he had a GF. When he talked about people he was grateful for and people he made stuff for, he never included me.

I want to trust him, but especially with the leaving me on read and being with Mae (who he apparently doesn’t talk to anymore), I need advice on what to do.

Firstly, no idea about the origin of this phrase, but it seems like a poorly constructed idea that is broad enough to generate discussions on any point of view that you want.

What I take from researching is that sharing your troubles shouldn't be a one way street, if both people support each other it isn't therapy it's sharing, which is just semantics at this point. Can I vent about life to my partner or only to my close friends? or do I need to hire a professional?

Alternatively a very direct reading is that your partner doesn't have the medical expertise to solve your mental issues. Which is very fair, but again lay people can't be expected to diagnose if their partner is suffering from depression or just sad that their dog died.

A really negative reading of this is just a toxic excuse, "Oh, my boyfriend cried in front of me so I dumped him, I'm not his therapist"

At the end of the day, ignoring this phrase, should I share that I had a bad day with my partner? Should we talk about trauma that we had as kids? Where is the line if there is any?

Here's the story: I (24 F) was in a non-committal fwb "relationship", I guess you can call it, with this guy (23 M) where we were seeing each other multiple times a week and hanging out, going on dates, sleeping together all summer, but never really discussed what it was. Which is fine. I wasn't really that crazy about him tbh, he was kind of disrespectful of my political views (I'm a leftist, he's a hyper lib and "immune to propaganda cause we have freedom of the press"... lol), he was also pretty bad at sex, but I don't really know what I want anyways and I'm just happy to have someone's company for the time being. We met in July and he broke things off in October.

The reason he initially broke things off is because his life started to get busier and I was clearly just not a priority for him. He got a job, lives in an apartment with his friends who want to do stuff with him at least once a week (standing appointment on Mondays), his dad's pretty active in his life, he has dinner with his mom and sisters every Sunday at 5, and he uses any time in-between to go to the gym. This wouldn't have been problem except that I worked Mon-Fri and he worked Tues-Sat, and Sunday dinner was non-negotiable for him, leaving us with no real time to spend together. I tell him on a given Sunday, "mom and sisters will survive if you have to miss dinner every once in a while" and followed by radio silence until he sends me this text, at 1pm the following Tuesday:

Fwd:

Hey, I apologize if you've felt like I've led you on. I'm at a pretty busy point in my life where I have a lot of people around me and I'm sorry I can't spend more time with you, I did enjoy the time we spent together and I really did like getting to know you. Thanks for introducing me to your life, but I'm breaking things off."

Ok... not sure where you Fwd'd that from. Kinda disrespectful to do this over text, out of the blue, during the work day, two days after our last communication, and the implications of "sorry if I led you on" in a "breaking things off" text is kinda gaslighty and gets under my skin, but whatever. Again, not that crazy about him. We were just spending time together. We could have totally negotiated or broke things off mutually if he had told me what the deal was.

There's just one hitch: I just bought a home and I was counting on him to help me move out of my apartment. I don't really have anyone else in my life I would ask for that kind of help and probably wouldn't have even gone looking for a home if it weren't for him being available to help and hype me up for it. So I asked him and offered to pay him, he agreed and said I wouldn't need to do that.

So fast forward a month, moving day comes, we haven't talked at all besides coordinating the day. He brought a joint for us to smoke at some point, and he's talking about how we can do this and that together around my new place, so I have to ask "...do you still want to hang out then?" and he says "yeah, if you still want to"... Ok... you don't really break up over text with someone you want to keep seeing but whatever, boys are dumb, I'll proceed with caution. He was really helpful at managing things during the move; I have ADHD so I was super grateful to let him handle the executive functioning parts, especially being exhausted from painting all week on top of my full time job.

I got lunch for us both, my treat, and we got maybe 60% through moving all my stuff, until 7pm rolls around. I'm really aching to take a break at this point and just hang out for a while, maybe smoke that joint. He says "Sorry, I have to go, they're having this this thing for food service workers (his line of work) in [city he lives in], I just got all these texts from my friends and they've been begging me all week." So now I'm left staring at this big pile of stuff in my walk-in basement where we dropped it all, I'm barely more than halfway out of my apartment, and I get kind of emotional cause I don't have many people to call for help with the rest of it plus all the home improvement stuff that is also in progress, which I can do myself but would go by a lot faster with another person around.

Also, am I not a friend? This wasn't the first time he's made me feel I was less important to him than all of the other people in his life... and any of those times he could have invited me along if he really wanted to see me. He didn't tell me ahead of time that he had a hard stop, he just picked up his phone and saw all the texts from his friends and decided on the spot to ditch me. I was only asking for one day out of the month since we last spoke, he was just talking up all the stuff we could do together and even mentioned how he'd worked as a painter in the past. Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I've never had friends that were ever around that much when we lived together, much less would drop whatever else they were doing cause I asked them to, or expected me to do so. Must be nice though.

We go return the U-Haul I rented, I drive him back to his car, we hug goodbye and he says "let me know if you need any help with anything", I thank him for his help and we part ways.

The next week I text him, "Hey I'll probably be painting and/or unpacking on Monday if u wanna come by and help again"

No response.

The next day I call him, straight to voicemail. Wait a week, call again, same thing, so he must have blocked my number.

Don't know why, he could have just said he didn't want to help me or hang out again and I would have been fine with it. Maybe his friends got to him? There was one girl I could tell didn't really like me. But then there was his guy friend that basically called him a womanizer in front of me. These are the two people he lives with. So there's that.

It's a couple weeks later now and I just found out from my gyno that I have chlamydia and I need to take antibiotics to treat it. Don't really know who gave it to the other, he slept with at least one other girl while we were seeing each other but I hadn't been tested in a while and there was a guy I slept with before him (who fucking broke me for a while btw and blocked me on everything but that's a story for another time) who was kind of sleazy. I feel a responsibility to other women he could sleep with, but I have no way to personally contact this dude. He has a really generic name and all I have of his are his phone number (blocked), his home address, and where he works. I could go knock on his door, but it's a 40 minute drive and he might not even be there. I have half a mind to just call his work in the morning and have whoever picks up let him know the news, since he's made it clear he doesn't want to ever talk to me or see me again and was just plain disrespectful about it. Is this too far?