I am disabled. It's fibromyalgia.
For the last god knows how long this has been going on, I wasn't able to move. If it's not my chronic pain, then it's my depression, and when they work together, well, let's just say that one of the pastimes that has been forced upon me is just fucking existing. Like a void where the only thing you could do is feel pain, and all of the fucking physical needs that your body needs, food, water, going to the toilet, warmth, etc. Woke up today, couldn't do anything decided to go to sleep. Slept a lot, which is like, hey! I can sleep now! With the help of fucking anti depressants!!! On the other hand, now that I can sleep, I don't have the only reason that kept me functioning for so long, fucking adrenaline. The only thing that made me able to get up, walk, eat, and shit, was motherfucking adrenaline. So after I woke up, I couldn't move, was very fucking hungry, somehow managed to find the energy to make breakfast after arguing with my family, then I went back to my room, and I just laid down. Laid down for maybe 4 or 5 hours, then tried to get up and realized that oh no! I can't fucking move, apparently. And the only fucking reason that I am here, typing this, through the pain, is pure fucking rage and spite. That's how I got up. I thought of something, it made me very angry, and I jolted out of bed.
And so on the topic of suicide,
I don't even. I might just kill myself in spite of everyone. EXCEPT THAT WON'T FUCKING MATTER, NOBODY FUCKING CARES IF I LIVED OR DIED. NO ONE. So I have always thought about making it a spectacle by setting myself on fire or something. But I'm way too fucking tired and paralyzed to do any of that. So no, I won't kill myself. But you bet that I'm considering it
