Noita has some nice psychadelic cave music
muse
Not all reasons are learned externally. It's possible for someone to have a craving that cannot be satisfied, just as it is possible for someone to not be capable of understanding the feelings of another person.
Focus - Hocus Pocus is playing in my head now
The loneliness had always been a challenge for me. Even before I knew I was trans, I went places looking for something not sure of what: beaches, boardwalks, arcades, pool halls, nightclubs, raves, electronics stores, museums, gaming, etc. Getting into synthesizers helped me get through a really difficult time.
I'm happy to talk if you want to DM me. I'm not in Germany but neighbors.
Jane Goodall said something very moving, to the effect that you matter and every day on this planet you make a difference.
You could use your CRUD experience to find a similar role writing desktop or server apps in Go, C#, or Java. A book on data structures and algorithms is a good place to start. It would be a step closer to making software in more interesting fields, games, building your own product, or just writing code only for your business to help sell something else.
There is also the database path (for example, TPS reports), but it's another environment where you're at the whim of a giant monolithic mystery machine. I've found there are no limits to depths of business logic that someone can invent for you to implement, just to save them a dollar.