ULS

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I already have a nas running on one. I already have a Kodi/HTPC desktop. Running endeavor w/ KDE.

I was going to put regular arch on it but was wondering if anyone had some other ideas.

Life was never what I was told or taught.

Being misled brought decay.

If I was shown life honest,

Maybe things would have gone a different way.

...but for now Ill sit and wait for death.

Because freedoms something I never held.

Like many in a world like hell,

We weren't able to express our dreams or excell.

That's just a gift of luck to a chosen few,

By a god whose aim is not for you.

We sit in darkness humble, patient, waiting.

Only to realize our lives are for their taking.

Why do they do this to people. At least teach people that life is actually just chaos masked with a thin veil of hope that's marketed for power and control.

I can't enjoy anything. Everyone is either extremely naive, extremely far gone, or living war life because they understand chaos is now.

Why are people surprised at how shitty things are worldwide? It's literally because all of us don't do anything at all that would ever make real change in this world.

The realest most truthful thing I've learned in my 30+ years is that heartlessness brings success. That's the dominating national ideology masked by the white picket fence dreams of a past that's purely nostalgia. These old people act like things were different but the fact is that they just believed the bullshit and didn't know what the [some] youth knows now. They got played out and are willing to kill the future generations so that they can go on pretending it was a humble life in the past.

Like the old hippies that partied wreckless and abused useful drugs until they were illegalized.

Just some music... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enQsdbcMOiQ&t=9

I'm so depressed right now I can't pay attention to anything.

People say to reach the center of "vibration" in existence as if it's the center of peace in the universe but that's only one dimension out of infinite. It's not a universal cure.

The hardest truth is knowing that's it all a game.

Knowing that even though we're all the same,

and even that truth doesn't cut it.

Knowing centuries of pawns made this life of hell.

Knowing only centuries of war could get us out.

Knowing some take pride in this life laid down,

Built by others...

Death is tradition, false laws taught and governed.

Peace is killed.

Every single instance.

Because peace on earth means resistance.

...or something.

It took a lot to kill my innocence...

But you did it.

The only faith I've got now

Is when I make the choice to lean back

and fall.

Distance never ending

Falling but in ascension.

Reckless learning life's hard lessons,

Aren't even lessons,

But just wasted time passed.

Fueling their egos.

Fanning their flame.

After all,

I was born into their game.

Just a pawn.

What do you think is best for a poor just coming out gay guy in his 30s trying to escape the things that come with street life. I am also more interested in older people than people my own age. Afaik there is no place for me.

I fully assume I'll end up homeless but I have to leave.

I'm open to other areas too. Definitely away from north east/new England. Preferably away from East Coast.... Preferably near the ocean or a good lake... I don't want to be stuck in crime or around homophobes.

You have no idea how real this world really is,

Look inside my eyes and see how many times I've died.

I'm not even sure I'm even still alive.

I broke bread with the wicked and learned lessons from evil

all the while seeing heaven and hell inside all people.

Never done hard drugs but still lived life under the rock.

Walking with the misfits, experience, hard lessons, pressure and stress.

Disappointed and feeling alive all at the same time.

I've seen what most don't, the unspoke.

Extreme environments that bring either death or growth.

Spoken without speaking, intuitions, when you have no money that's all that brings wisdom.

Classless, so maps don't work.

Hope, and faith, falling back into thin air.

Knowing whether it's living or dying I need to do it with no feelings.

Life is life, love is love, chaos is God.

Meditate and lose your body when things get hard.

Remember, that's all we have, all we got.

Water your garden, see the sun, trust me,

live laugh and love before your days are done.

I was never an alcoholic. I quit my job due to stress and not fitting in and then COVID started soon after. I also started Lexapro around this time. I drank more regularly after this but not as an alcoholic imo. Lexapro was definitely part of drinking more... Alcohol was different after going on it.

During this time I got sucked into politics and watching the protests live. For once in my life I thought something good was going to happen for society. Even though I don't really support organized groups I thought something positive would come from everything in the end and for both sides even. Well it didn't. Without details... One night I got drunk and upset some people. And my life hasn't been the same since. I wish I could express how fucked up my life is. But I can't, I have to internalize all of it. So that, along with PTSD from certain experiences that came along with it... Getting drunk was the only thing that.. idk... That let me escape how fucked up my life is.

And here I am today. I am off Lexapro now and that made a big difference in my frequency and amount of alcohol I drink. But what didn't go away is when I drink ...like to have a good time... I basically don't stop.

In my life I get antagonized and poked till I react. And when this happens or I have a trigger or flash back of things that have happened things get ugly. Ive gone to jail for a fight. I've crashed my car. Some other wild experiences I'm not going to get into. Tbh I've seen worse drunks though.

I don't want to quit drinking. One day it will probably be my way out of life. Quitting drinking isn't going to stop my circumstances. It's not going fix my neurodivergence and lack of life skills. The only thing that could have fixed my life is having good people in it. But my life isn't fixable anymore. I literally can't fix myself to save life. My options are to be homeless, or kms. And I postpone that choice by drinking.

There's no escaping. I don't know what to do. My entire life's been fucked and I've never been free.