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When Hoshi and Trip return from a Klingon garbage dump with a life-threatening illness, Reed and Mayweather start acting like aliens while Captain Archer and Dr. Phlox try to work out a cure. But after watching the virus take the lives of two crew members, Archer convinces the Organians to try out compassion instead. Who is the Night Stocker? How might Archer suck Klingon dick? Which character is the Harry Kim of Star Trek Enterprise? It’s the episode that’s out of the testicular woods!

When everyone but Spock is exhausted from their space adventures, a shore leave planet starts gaslighting them about some dangerous illusions. But after no one can find the glade and the landing party gets stranded, a Caretaker appears and explains the amusement planet’s safety precautions. How do you know if you can do a bit on your boss? Who is a little like Bruce Wayne but not really? What does Captain Kirk’s snake tattoo say? It’s the episode that approaches the uncanny valley from the opposite precipice with a glade in between.

When Captain Archer reunites with his retconned second family, the experiment set up by Dr. Erickson is a both a charade and a danger to the crew. But after Ensign Burrows is killed and Danica loses it at her dad, Trip gets suspicious and Emory finally has to let go of his son. Who ruined cupcakes? How does human slurry get removed from the transporter bucket? Which character is the Steve-O of pushing wheelchairs? It’s the episode that wants to check more backs.

When some cloaked Romulans interrupt Space-Church, Kirk feels it necessary to investigate. But when a crew person with a bad attitude harshens the bridge’s vibe it’s time to follow a comet and learn some Vulcan history. Will Spock remember this Romulan? How many people does it take to fire a missile? Where’s the stained-glass window? It’s the episode that feels like a submarine, but lives like a warbird.

When V’Las is still warmongering at the Vulcan tactics table, Archer and T’Pau insist they must deliver the Kir’Shara to the High Command personally. But after Shran kidnaps Soval and tortures him for no reason, the Andorians team up with the Entrepreneur to avert V’Las’s war. What do all cults on Vulcan have in common? Which rules are outlined in the first chapter of the torturer’s manual? Who likes to travel with a knife roll? It’s the episode that could have been called Reunification Zero.

When the Entrepreneur gets off course with a theatre troupe, the real reason for the diversion is the lead actor might be Trogdor. But after the last remaining witnesses are eliminated one by one, Captain Kirk’s interest in the young daughter of Karidian ends in another theatrical tragedy. When do you get “the executioner” added to your name? How many colony survivors are rocking full face? Who might sneak into a Sesame Street impression? It’s the episode that introduces a new first-time segment!

When the Uxbridge-Shimoda company holds its first annual holiday party, everyone is invited and attendance is not optional. But after sharing a festive cocktail and suggesting attractive new possibilities for Lego, we’ll either bring back punch bowls or play a round of good keg, bad keg. What would constitute a very special episode of Factory Seconds? How does egg nog get weaponized? Where does Bill want to put his AP style book? It’s the episode that goes boldy!

When Archer and T’Pol find the Syrannites in the caves, they reunite with Mrs. T and learn T’Pau wasn’t the United Earth Embassy bomber. But after Archer tells the Syrannites that he’s carrying Surak’s katra, he leads them to an important ancient relic while the High Command threatens war. How is Ben like T’Pau? Which type of prison cell feels like a very Vulcan idea? What’s the main thing that keeps Adam out of cults? It’s the episode that’s fascinated by the idea of going full torch.

When the Menagerie arc winds down, a Mug Draft winner rises. But after losing the Mug Draft, a shocking realization threatens to change how we feel about this competition forever. What’s the title of Ben’s new documentary? Which mug is the Michael B. Jordan here? Do you want the winning mug for yourself? It’s the episode that both loves and hates this shit.

When the United Earth Embassy gets blown up on Vulcan, an investigation begins and Dr. Phlox sniffs out the fake evidence right away. But after Archer and T’Pol go into danger looking for the wrong suspect, a mind meld by Soval reveals the identity of the real bomber. Where else could that one laurel go on the flag? What does GTL stand for on Vulcan? Which tortured holiday portmanteau works better? It’s the episode that opened a FOIA request.

When a private sub-space message is “delivered” to the Enterprise, Kirk and Co. make their way to Star Base 11. But when Spock takes this opportunity to abduct captain Pike and the ship, there’s no TAL-ing what can happen. Is this Spock from an alternate Trek timeline? Will Bones address the elephant on the bridge? Can Pike scratch that itch? It’s the episode that doesn’t say “fire” but leaves its finger on the button.

When Dr. Soong wants to hide all of his augments in the Briar Patch, Malik pitches a plan to start a war between the Klingons and Starfleet. But after Persis continues to play both sides by helping Soong escape to the Entrepreneur’s brig, Malik decides to blow up the Bird of Prey leaving only one family member to serve time. Who was the older brother Ben needed growing up? What is Soong’s record? Which upgrade comes with a premium hole saw? It’s the episode with a bad bit moment that gets off on a technicality.