AddLemmus

Example: My messy apartment. Every time I did a thorough cleaning, usually due to pressure and last-minute high on adrenaline, such as a landlord inspection, I was SO sure: Fantastic, it's done now, and it will always be nice; I just have to change and do 20 minutes every day.

Well, you all know how that went. But I kept repeating it over and over, 20 years, 25 years.

What works is to admit that you are like that, but don't know entirely why.

What works is to make a small improvement. I can do one thing every day and check it off, as long as it is on a list.

What works is to get to the root of the problem, ADHD in this case, depression for others, and treat it. This is the big gun, it can be life-changing.

What works is even to hire a maid, to get a dishwasher, to a degree.

What does not work is to "decide" that things will be different now.

It's easier to see when it happens to others. I remember the post of somebody who considered himself lazy, but had all these ambitions. He wanted to get up tomorrow and become this "super-productive self". We all told him, one way or another: That is great, but instead of doing that tomorrow, check today if you can study uninterruptedly for 25 minutes. If that works out, do that for a week, and we'll talk again.

Does the other thing also exist, the epiphany where people change their life? One of my favourite quotes from Babylon-5: "You have the opportunity here and now to choose, to become something greater and nobler and more difficult than you have been before. The universe does not offer such chances often, G'Kar." Is it a lie?

Scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9v1jJ_ATec

5 months ago, I got diagnosed and on Elvanse.

At first, it was a life-changing magic pill. I made completely out-of-character impulse decisions like: Let's list & process all issues that can be fixed with a phonecall or email right now! After less than 60 minutes, 70 % of the weight from unfinished tasks was off my shoulders.

But more and more it became clear that I need my old crutches (lists, timers, methods, ...) and the meds. It's still pretty great, because when I make the decision to do one item from the list, I can do it without feeling like cutting into my own flesh. I just make the decision.

Lately, especially on meds, I'm pretty hard into doomscrolling. Reading on Reddit frontpage (still there) and commenting my stupid opinion / "insight" to a wild mix of posts.

Currently recovering from the flu, which didn't help, and a lot of urgent todos got stacked up, deadlines missed.

Of course I know what needs to be done, and I'm starting. Got a browser plugin to limit certain websites etc. It's slow.

I think I should try a therapist who is specialised in ADHD. Not so much to process trauma from a life living undiagnosed, but rather to help me get all that done, get to a sustainable level of productivity.

Dr. K. said something interesting in a recent video. People can't just make a conscious decision like "hey, I should stop being a slob and instead improve myself 2 hours straight per day!" or "I want to be someone who gets up early, eats a healthy breakfast, works out, has a completely different life!". It's a different part of the brain that executes this, and you can't just order it around.

Anyway, life changed for the better, a lot, but I want to pick up the pace.

So, he said that neither are necessary. Much of it comes from the loss of appetite: The body needs at least as much food as if it were not on stims, possibly even more, especially when the stims help work out more or clean in a frenzy or whatever.

So we have to treat the body as if it were not on stims. Can't rely on intuitive eating, so I have to count the calories. A liquid engineered staple food is easiest to gulp down without any appetite, such as "This is Food" or "Jimmy Joy".

Also, when I did a little workout, I need to have like an apple and take it easy for a moment. I would usually feel the need for both, but on stims, chances are I take the extra endorphins from the workout on top of the dopamine and start a cleaning frenzy. Don't do that anymore.

The important point is to not on a food deficit when it starts to wear off. Otherwise, it goes from 0 to 80 real fast, and then the craving is for unhealthy snacks. Better to have something ready, and not be behind on eating in the first place. Again, engineered staple foods as an emergency option should be around for someone with ADHD anyway, without meds even more than with meds.

Over 6 weeks on Elvanse now, and it's great. It helps with one single symptom only, though: I can just get on a task and see it through, no procrastination, far less pain.

But that's all. I'm just as senile, forgetful, fuzzy; the quality of my work did not improve. I go to a place on a 1 hour trip and forget to pick up the main thing I was there for. I ask everybody what they want to eat, open my laptop to order it, and forget all about it, until the hunger kicks in and I wonder why it's so late and nobody got food.

I appear in meetings on time and well prepared now, but when I open my mouth, it's still letter salad.

Basically I'm this Joe Biden who rushes to the task like the Flash, and then goes full Biden once he gets there, just looking around disoriented.

It FEELS even worse than before, but I think that is because doing more means more error, more senile.

Still, even if it would stay like this, my life would have changed for the better.

But I wonder: This one symptom could be fixed from the short-term "high" which is certain to decrease over time, not from the intended effect on the prefrontal cortex. Just like opioid painkillers helped me with exactly this as a side effect, but only for 3 months.

So we'll see whether stims are right for me in the long run.

I wonder whether that is an ADHD thing or whether I'm also an idiot: When a website has more than 1 clear menu and one content area, I don't get it.

E. g. a site is quite overloaded with distributed buttons for print, profile etc. When I gradually resize it, they suddenly "disappear" and a hamburger menu appears. I just stand there baffled where the buttons went.

Consoles work great for me, though. I have to remember a few commands, look the rest up as needed, and it's no problem.

A HUGE breakthrough for me was when operating systems and applications started this trend that you just type part of what you want and it searches everything for you. Started with OSX Tiger & Windows Vista, iirc. But now they enshittified the start menu with web searches and all sorts of things.

Basically the same as when I stand in the supermarket and can't find an item, even when looking at the correct shelf. Or the expiration date on food. Damn, could we make a law that the expiration date must be at least the same font size and be as prominently placed as the title?

So is it ADHD, or am I also an idiot?

I have used Modafinil before occasionally, and it helped quite a bit, but the strong side effects forced me to save it for emergencies.

6 days ago first Elvanse. Within about 30 minutes of the first dose, many problems were gone completely! No mental effort to do what's needed, be it laundry or a subtask at work. It feels like my brain is a little butler whom I can just order around without doing it myself. Many things just happen, e. g. I put garbage in the bin, carry dishes back to the kitchen as I go anyway, without thinking about it. Complete instant fix. Also a constant feeling like a hundred bucks, better than many recreational drugs.

Almost feeling bad when gaming at the end of the day, keeping it brief, doing extra work hours right before bed. The effect has somewhat worn off by then, but the no-effort-to-do-things is still there.

I always did feel better when checking things off my todo-list, even untreated, but now I get a lot more done, since there is no pain to just do it.

I can also work out until the body just physically gives in; there is no mental barrier to fight like "ONE MORE REP!!!". It might have been a mistake to exploit that in the first few days, leading to exhaustion and more difficulty to judge the right dose / side effects. When I saw someone who was very buff, I used to think: He may not look like it, but he has fantastic discipline, focus and willpower. Now I wonder if some of these people are just normal, lol

This is a completely different life, and slightly better than Modafinil! I am a little worried about when the effect wears off and I need a break, but I've been there before: A lot can get done with just about 50 "super-days" per year.

What did not improve one bit is my forgetfulness and other cognitive problems. Just as stupid as before, e. g. packing a suitcase, putting things next to it to stash something else and then forgetting them. Leaving my phone in insane places. Barely able to use the self-checkout at a supermarket. It's always an adventure, looking confused between the card screen and the items screen, often needing an employee, forgetting my card there and not realising before the next day etc. Problems with web UIs & pop-ups. That's what my GP wanted checked out 1 1/2 years ago, but no appointments.

As suggested myself and encouraged by the doc, I'll take a fraction of a normal dose to check it out first. He signed off on any dose that is lower than the one he prescribed (30 mg in the morning), and the capsules are intended for opening and dissolving in liquid.

So, I'm very sensitive. Low dose opioids for a cough give me euphoria, and when I tried Modafinil, 1/4 of a pill (2 pills is normal!) turned out to be just right for me.

On one hand, I could really use the full productivity boost tomorrow, which would mean trying 1/4 of 30 mg, 7.5 mg. On the other hand, safer would be 1/8th again as it was with Modafinil. Then again, 1/4 of the Modafinil dose was "bearable", it was not intense suffering.

Trying 1/8th in the morning and another 1/8th at noon if the effect is really as low as a cup of coffee could also be an option, with the risk of losing sleep. I tend towards that option.

Some of the worst hours of my life were on the minimum dose Venlafaxine (and many report that), so I'm careful.

What do you think? Doing the super-low 1/10th test at 4 pm would still take away my sleep, right?

After waiting for many years, I thought I've been at least on track to get treatment for the past 6 months. All out of pocket, in addition to the nearly EUR 1000 health insurance premium per month.

Lengthy psychologist sessions, official diagnosis by a licensed therapist in writing. Doctor appointment with the written diagnosis, but he said only a licensed psychiatrist can do the initial prescription. Find one, make appointment.

But then he needed up to date blood count and ECG first, appointment cancelled 2 hours before it started. The blood count was at a different doctor than my usual one, because last time, mine was on vacation. So ECG and blood count from two different locations. All during hours I actually had to be at work. But what can I do - botch one last job before I get treatment and everything will be great for the future, right?

Sent it all in upfront, and another problem: Apparently, the ECG must be evaluated for findings. Which any doctor is trained to do, but it needs to be returned to the doctor who did it, like this magic quest, because in theory, I could send an ECG that is not mine to a different doctor for the findings. (Cui bono?)

The last 4 steps, I've been told that this is "this one really really really last thing", and it sounds like one of these advance fee scams that are like "just one more Apple gift card for the taxes, and we can transfer your lottery winnings".

I bet all of these things would be easy for somebody who does NOT have ADHD. They just do them one by one, and somehow that happens at a magic hour where the doctor office is open but also their workplace is not.

The lack of understanding how ADHD works, by the very people who are supposed to diagnose and treat it, reminds me of this scene from Groundhog Day: He explains the problem of being in a 24 hour time loop to a seemingly understanding therapist, who then is like: "I understand completely, come back in 3 days for a solution!" Ah, here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFdwLNiZq7M

The only thing that really works for me is when I make it a 25 minute hyper-focussed challenge: Set a timer and make the maximum progress that is theoretically possible in that time. No getting water, no toilet breaks, no looking at the phone. Beats 3 hours of getting a glass of water, toilet breaks, getting hungry, realising I should work out and shower first and finding more reasons to jump up any day - surprisingly. Got to always treat it as if it were a competition.