This whole post is just going to be me complaining, as I don’t really need advice, I just want to air the feelings I’ve had the last few weeks. There’s also a lot of talk about weed.
I haven’t drank alcohol for 25 months now according to this app I have. It feels good, I’m healthier for it, and I don’t plan to start any time soon. Over that time I have continued to consume/smoke weed. It’s not great as it fills a similar hole as alcohol, but at least it won’t kill me the way alcohol killed my dad.
I’m now a few weeks into a two month break from weed to clear out my system to maximize my sperm count to freeze my sperm so I can start HRT without reservation, and it’s been weird. I’ve had a couple dreams where I got through drinking part of a can of beer. I get through part of it, realize I have to reset my counter, panic and start to grieve a little, then wake up and calm down as I realize it didn’t actually happen.
But the craving for some sort of inebriation is there. I organized my fraternity’s Founder’s Day event last weekend, and of the 11 RSVPs (already the lowest count I’ve seen) only 7 showed up. That was stressful and I couldn’t help feeling guilt. All I wanted was to put back a couple so I wouldn’t be able to feel those feelings, but I didn’t.
The thought has kept crossing my mind that I hate being sober. I hate dealing with my life stressors “the right way.” It’s probably a sign that it’s a good thing that I am sober, but it’s annoying. The anhedonia from stopping weed has started to ease up, but there’s a part of me that keeps looking forward to that next hit.
At least for today though, I’m not drinking and I’m not getting high. If you got through all that, thanks for reading.