Trans

fwiw this is a very trans experience you're going through. you're trans enough. one thing ive had to learn is that gender euphoria isnt an all the time feeling. it feels amazing when you get it, but eventually the thing that gave you euphoria becomes normal. over time the normal stuff will add up and you notice that a lot of times you just arent feeling dysphoria at all. something might jump up to remind you and it comes back, but the further you go the less that will happen. gender euphoria doesnt go away but it might be more of a special occasion thing, when you put in the extra effort to feel your best.

its important to acknowledge to yourself that you will have ups and downs, that sometimes things will be good and other times things will be bad, and this is totally normal and ok. we dont have to be perfect and present our best most ideal self all the time. the times when things are dark and you're feeling especially dysphoric are temporary. you will get through them even if they really suck in the moment. over time the lows wont be as low or last as long. its a process that takes a long time, so be gentle with yourself.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this! Needing to know is rough. For awhile my situation was somewhat different but similar as well. Others have been where you are though and came out the other side okay! Have you heard Travis T.'s song tOCD?

What if you were raised to think that you can outsmart fate if you just

Think of every angle, think of every flaw
Think of every single fucking thing that could go wrong

Think of other choices, really think it through
Think of more excuses to avoid the fact that you still want to

uhm, so are these "really suggestive voices" inside your head? yeah, those are part of various mental health issues. i remember reading that people with hypochondria, for example, have these very insistent voices in their head that's telling them that something's wrong with their body and they need to seek medical help immediately.

so, it's not necessarily your fault, but could be issues from the environment. maybe you picked up these voices from parents/neighbors, etc. ? also it would help to know what exactly happens when you try to imagine your own future your own way. in what way does it feel exhausting? what is the cause for the headache? what kind of conflicts are there in your head?

Everything your wrote made perfect sense.

And it is sooo relatable for a lot of trans people too. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, the need for change and the pace with it, perfection. Those feelings are confusing and exhausting. Some are fun too (euphoria). Then numbness, the disconnection, the sense of not existing >.< that’s heavy.. I am so sorry you feel this way

If things feel too much that’s valid too. For now, be in the present. Just be. Drink some water, breathe. Maybe do something that you can do without thinking?

Give yourself the time. Be gentle with yourself 💕 You got this, and we got you! You, your struggle? So valid.

On a more practical note: if and when you feel more energetic (and only then) , you could start writing down your thoughts and organise them. You also already discovered a pattern in your behaviour ! That’s really good. Self awareness is often the first step in improvement and understanding. Writing helped me also. A bit like you have done now. I would also encourage you, if you have that option, to seek a therapist. Preferably one that specialises in transgender care. 

Take a one step at a time, and you know where to find us xo

Have you tried therapy or anti-anxiety meds? Those both helped us.

Shot in the dark, not a magic bullet, but I found a few months of zazen under the local soto peeps useful in the world of bicameral minds.

A bit like a little aikido will not stop you from falling down the stairs, but something to be thankful for when you are halfway down.