Method C. Sounding rod depth required to hit the prostate.
I know it sounds odd to do this on a tree, but trust me, it works.
this post was submitted on 02 Jun 2026
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The question is, are we talking about a very normal cylinder? (possibly stuck to something?)
I measured like this when my first girlfriend asked what my size was. I told her it was 10". Suffice to say, she was definitely not impressed when the pants came off for the first time. 😅
I'll ask the branch manager.
Average them?
it took me way to long to realize y'all talking about penises ...
Tear off the branch and measure the total length.
It is imperative that the branch not be damaged
It's just a branch who cares? Mangle that fucker lol
Ok chop down the tree and cut a line perpindicular to the bottom of the branch into the tree. Then measure the branch with watever remains of the tree attached.
Would using a chainsaw count as "chop"?
Because it's oak-wilt season, right?
Unless you're into that
Half the length plus seven
What is your tree normally goes straight out with a cut l downward curve? The measurements are the same either way...
here is an authority on the matter
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=81bt0ZJLMas&pp=0gcJCUACo7VqN5tD&ra=m
Shine a light directly down on it from above. Measure the shadow
You have to push the branch down with one hand, such that it is perpendicular to the trunk. With the other hand place a ruler to measure trunk to tip via method A. This gives the honest expectation of ''usable" length.
The only way to get an accurate measurement is to cut the branch off first.
The cylindet MUST stay intact!
I came here to say this. Take your stupid upvote.
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Method A on account that that would be the maximum usable length
As a skilled carpenter who's used to measuring wood, this is the only answer.
Well..... It kinda depends. If I were to be ordering stock to recreate the branch or even if I were making a covering for the branch. I'd have to order at least 6 inches of material to cut down.
So I think it matters most how you are intending to use it.
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Usable length is relative...
*reverse cowgirl enters the room, galloping backwards and surprising everyone*
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Measure from the taint and add an extra inch to the measurement for standard wood shrinkage.
I would use 0,5x(A+B) because chicks dig a big branch.
The generally accepted method used by scientists is to firmly push your ruler against the base of tree at the top of the branch. This is called BPEL, or bark-pressed erect length.
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Woah wait... Can we solve the measuring crisis but just measuring from the trunk at the top and all the way across then wrapping around the exposed end and back down the length on the bottom to the next obstruction?
Wouldnt that then include the width in your overall measurement and everyone would be generally impressed at any dimension?
If you trim the bushes the branch looks bigger. Pro tip.
What if there's a ... um ... protuberance on the bottom where the branch meets the trunk? What's the correct measuring procedure in that case?
It's critical the cylinder not be harmed
It's a perfectly normal cylinder size.
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(4 replies)
I just ask OP's mom.
What if there is a knot at the base of the branch?
Then you might be measuring a werewolf. Seek professional help.
(I am a professional and can help you measure the knot.)
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I can't use method B, the tree fruit are in the way.
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