Dawg, Jesus's weapon of choice is literally in the Bible, Matthew 10:34:
I have not come to bring (a) peace(maker) but a sword
Dude's immortal, he's not afraid to get up close and personal with it
this post was submitted on 22 Feb 2026
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Jesus would obviously use an an AK47
Edit. Just talked to Jesus, he uses a 12gauge shotgun loaded with buckshot. Says he likes to take care of things up close and in person
According to a gun video in "And the Wiener is...", Moses and Jesus used guns to team up and defeat the Romans.
The 1911, good enough to be used 40,000 years in the future. Good enough for Jesus.
would have thought he'd have preferred
....a nail gun.
You beat me to it. I saw a post probably almost 20 years ago by a kid on Facebook talking about how he got banned from a Young Republicans Facebook group for giving this answer. His reasoning was: it's a carpenter's tool, not a weapon, and used to help people and improve the community. Kid actually read the Bible and got hate for it.
You can't actually read the bible and be an honest republican. Poor kid, he needs to get better at predicting what his superiors want him to say if he wants to get anywhere in the republican party.
That's the gun of a carpenter.
Love that answer, stealing it!
That's what I always assumed. What else would Jesus use to murder immigrants and U.S. citizens?
jesus was jewish, so
I'd have said Desert Eagle. He did some time in the desert and he died doing a spread eagle (at least half)
I think Jesus would carry a Hi-Point C-9, because it'd be all he could afford in this economy.
He is after all a humble man.
Self proclaimed fans of Jesus portraying him as a fan of one of the least faithful 1911s is quite on brand.
Hey a carpenter knows you can't beat simple reliability.
wouldn't he carry a revolver then? semiautomatics are relatively complicated
tbf i only know guns from games and movies
Dual wielding .50 cal 7-shot revolvers. The only handguns that make a Desert Eagle look small.
I think I broke my wrist reading that
In Luke, Jesus tells his followers to sell off some of their clothes to buy weapons so this is not totally out of the realm of possibility