- I Want to Write
I want to write— it’s simply that I want to write.
I want to leave something behind before I truly become mentally ill, or before my sensitive nerves disappear.
How curious: when I tried to type “消失” (to disappear) in pinyin, (1) the computer suggested “小时” (hour). It also knows that all this has to do with time.
“消逝” —to fade away— is also about time. (2)
Maybe I’ll never become a great writer; I feel it with a soft kind of sadness.
My writing lacks planning, it’s too random.
Is relying solely on passion unreliable?
I pay attention to the footsteps in the hospital hallway… Is that wrong?
My parents want me to think less, to be brighter, happier. And so does E.
When I type “bright” and “happy,” the computer suggests “almost” (“快了”). (2)
I hope. I keep hoping.
Now it’s already dark.
A rain that’s about to fall but never falls, and the sound of muffled thunder.
I remember that as a child I loved those midday storms, when everything suddenly turned dark.
I would sit quietly in my room, doing anything at all, and I felt safe.
I’m going to get rid of this feeling of strangeness, I’m going to forget everything, and simply live.
I love this world so much.
(1) Pinyin (拼音) is the romanization of Chinese characters based on their pronunciation. In Mandarin, “Pin Yin” literally means “to spell the sound,” that is, writing Chinese words using letters of the English alphabet.
(2) The words “disappear (消失),” “hour (小时),” and “fade away (消逝)” sound similar in Chinese; the same happens with “happy (快乐)” and “almost (快了).”
- To Die and Be Reborn
If you don’t go looking for trouble, trouble won’t come to you. My medical report shows that quite well.
Some strange results came up; it seems I once had hepatitis B.
The doctor said that, luckily, the antigen is negative. It’s just that I have an absurd amount of antibodies.
The normal value is something like ten, but I have over three hundred.
My mother said it means that hepatitis B fought a battle in my body, my body fought back, and when it won, it left these antibodies.
The doctor said having many antibodies is good, that it means strong defense against hepatitis B.
But even so, it means that at some point I was infected.
To die and be reborn. Just thinking about it is frightening.
How can I live better? I’ve always been bad at living.
Relax, relax. Maybe I’m gripping everything too tightly.
Image credit: Estefano Burmistrov
---–Read in its original Castilian language at fictograma.com , an open source Spanish community of writers–
