The Onion

(Wall Street, NY) Traders took a moment to remember Nancy Pelosi‘s career today, as the Congresswoman announced she was ending her 38 year stint as a Washington politician. Pelosi spent many of those years as a Democratic leader in Congress, serving as Speaker of the House under four Presidents.

Pelosi was known in trading circles as “Nance in Advance,” with a savvy trading portfolio that often predicted future innovation and government policy with supernatural accuracy. While Pelosi was cited as a reason for legislation limiting trading by members of Congress, Wall Street recognized her as an icon, and announced Thursday that her net worth, $256.6 million, will be officially retired, meaning no member of Congress may claim that amount to a magazine, or ethics panel when they are under investigation.

“I have a copy of her long positions on Nivida, back before the split,” said one trader at the announcement. “She made so much money there… god I wish I was on one of those committees. Freedom is never free, and her stock portfolio will always remind us of this.”

The trading website Unusual Whales announced they will be laying off 3 staff regularly committed to the former Speaker, including the man that searched her garbage. “I don’t know what I’ll do without Nancy,” said former garbage wrangler Leo Sturbgetter. “I guess I’ll return to my love of sorting cattle.”