A place to talk about parenting.
Be respectful of others' parenting decisions.
I feel like with most things with kids, you just talk to them honestly and openly about things. I feel like, if they're old enough to ask, they're probably old enough to hear the answer.
This way they feel more comfortable asking you things. Because even if you lock down their devices air tight, they're friends parents probably didn't do the same. You can't protect your kids from the world but, you can prepare them to face it.
My kids are still youngish enough that I can get away with limiting their internet access to screens I can see and hear. They have the TV in the living room and an old laptop beside dad's desk. I tell them that there are a lot of bad things on the internet and I need to be able to help them if they find something bad by accident. Whenever they stumble on something questionable, I tell them why I don't like it and we look for something else. Luckily they really don't argue about it (yet, I'm sure). I feel like it's working, though. They seem to be developing a healthy relationship with tech and screens. They love to watch arts and crafts tutorials on youtube and have been teaching themselves to draw and play piano, and they're actually doing well!
I've taken this approach with my kids, and although none are teenagers, I've still never got any kickback. For a while now they will even self report and call me if rubbish comes on. Actually, at this point they'd just change it to something quality themselves. I wonder if the reasons I don't like certain videos has sunk in for them, and they're just not interested in weird stuff now? A couple of them push with computer games though. I'm clear and consistent in allowing no first person shooters yet, but they try to get away with it if they think I'm not paying attention.
We're going with a bit of both: time limits and exclusion, and an explanation why.
I expected my kids to figure out how to bypass my site blocks (All they had to do was change DNS), but they never did. I eventually just turned them off as they got older.
Millennials were peak generation for self-taught tech literacy. We were raised in an environment where the technology was simple and open enough to actually be configurable, all while the prize on the other side of figuring out the technology was rewarding.
The older generations didn't have as strong of a reward for figuring out the tech. And the younger generations have too steep a learning curve to get around things, so they never even learned to try, like the "baby elephant syndrome" phenomenon.
Check out Emily Cherkin, I heard an interview with her the other day (she has a new book out: A Judgement Free Guide To Becoming A Tech-Intentional Family), and what she had to say mirrored a lot of the comments here - communication with kids, working with them so they learn how to manage tech themselves (and develop a healthy relationship with it), etc. I haven't read it, but maybe she has some structural ideas in it (she was a school teacher).
I can say first hand that using blocks, parental controls, etc, are limited tools that should only be used as a small part of the bigger plan (I manage these things for my family and extended family). These tools show that they almost don't matter - there are successful parents with/without them in my family (I think mostly because all the parents didn't allow unsupervised tech time when kids were little, so were able to teach some fundamentals organically).
Good luck out there!
Thanks! This sounds interesting and I'll look into it.
Concerning parental controls I share your doubts. While you may be able to have some form of limited control over the device used by the child, there is no control whatsoever over the type of content shared by peers. It just seems difficult to make sure that my children already have the necessary skill set of critical thinking at a very young age. I know for a fact that I didn't have that skill at the age of 6 or 10. Luckily I only ever got my first mobile phone, a good ol' Nokia brick, at the age of 16.
easy. talk to them.
if that doesn't work, take it away from them.
"but they'll just do it at their friends house" cool, you're grounded.
"now they just do it at school." cool, I'll buy ad space on the platform and target the school with wanted posters with their picture on it. any student that can send me picture proof of them using the platform will get a reward. maybe even give away more of their stuff. know anybody who wants an Xbox?
"now your kid hates you." cool, I'm their dad not their buddy. it's my job to make sure they are protected and capable of understanding the risks of their actions. if they want to rebel they need to understand there are repercussions.
You should really read the article.
It agrees with you in general (and so do I), but the concrete advices are a bit more appropriate for when, inevitably, the kids disobey.
I know you were exaggerating, but humiliating them or resorting to denunciation might just hurt them in the long run.
I'm sorry but this is awful advice. Bordline psychotic with the shaming them at school line. Paying friends to be snitches? Like i really hope this is satire.
Sounds like my parents. So forgive me if you're joking. You just end up becoming someone your kids circumvent and not someone they come to for help.
Teaching a kid "how to live under your rules" is doing nothing to prepare them for how to live.
It really sounds like "talk to them" is just "command them and punish/shame them if that doesn't work".
do you believe that rules are put in place to obstruct you from what you want?
also, do you believe that you are exempt from the repercussions of breaking those rules?
Shaming your kid in the way you described is what I'm criticizing. Maybe address that.
do you believe that rules are put in place to obstruct you from what you want?
judging from your response, yes.
do you believe that you are exempt from the repercussions of breaking those rules?
your lack of an answer can only lead me to believe you also believe you're exempt.
perhaps if you would have listened to your parents a bit more you could focus on answering some simple questions or not be perceived as "entitled".
I'm sorry your parents failed you, but I'm not your parent so I would appreciate you not applying your poor experiences from their shitty parenting on me.
thanks!
Are you having a conversation with yourself? I don't owe you any answers until you address my initial criticism. Or do you want to keep making up stuff I never said and then refuting it?
I don't owe you any answers until you address my initial questions.
Yeah. That's not how conversations work mate. You say something and someone criticizes you for it. You address the criticism. Not start rambling about shit you made up in your head.
You asked questions to change the topic away from my criticism of you publicly shaming your kids. Which you still have not addressed.
Yeah. That's not how conversations work mate. You say something and someone criticizes you for it. You address the criticism.
yeah, no. I'm well aware of what your perception of how this should have gone in your head. I don't owe you anything in response to your criticism. frankly, I'm going to completely ignore it because it's irrelevant and you're desperate for me to respond to it. if I didn't know better I would say you're either too young to have children of your own or aren't a parent.
Not start rambling about shit you made up in your head.
are you certain you know what you're talking about? thoughts are words in your head last I knew. then again, it seems you might be regurgitating whatever you want without a second thought. to each their own. I also didn't make shit up. I asked very specific questions to help me understand who I was talking to, but it seems you're only interested in berating strangers on the internet because of some desperate need to vilify parents that set limits for their children.
You asked questions to change the topic away from my criticism of you publicly shaming your kids. Which you still have not addressed.
no, I asked questions that you should probably answer for yourself. I really don't care about the answer at this point.
it's abundantly clear to me that your parents failed you as a child and didn't teach you there are limits and repercussions to breaking those limits.
I believe I've heard enough from you to understand that your perspective, although valid to you, does not apply to me or my parenting style.
this "conversation" has been disappointing, I would have hoped you could have worked past your emotions and had an adult discussion by asking questions instead of outright blasting me for being a "shitty" parent.
I think you're trying to convince yourself more than anyone else at this point.
It's funny how you completely fell apart unable to defend your own point and started rambling about completely random shit. Still haven't even given me a whisper of a response to your insane idea of public shaming to your kids.
Literally talking about paying kids to snitch on your children. That's next level crazy parent shit. Something my initial comment hoped (in good faith) was a joke. But instead of clarifying that; you doubled down instead. Which only makes me believe you are actually that insane.
You are still making assumptions about "me" instead of responding to the single point of criticism I gave you. You hit some next level "debate lord" levels of incoherence at this point. Desperately trying to redirect from your initial comment.
Literally all Ive given you is a criticism of your initial comment. How you shame your kids publicly. That's it. Anything else you've said has been shit you've made up to avoid talking about that. Which is really boring at this point.
But I'm sure you're ready to respond with assumptions about me instead of trying to defend your own position.
/Yawn
Can you address my criticism or not? Because this is getting old.
Do you think publicly shaming your kids is good parenting? Because that's what you gave advice for in the first place.
My initial comment hoped that you were joking about paying kids to snitch. Literally give me a crumb of denial (jest) mate. That's all I'm asking.
Recover from that initial insane perspective.
A physics teacher once told me there is no stronger force in nature than a teenage boy looking for online porn.
Probably true. Luckily my son hasn't yet gotten to that age, but he certainly will, sooner rather than later...