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SSRIs. I already knew this was likely going to be my conclusion, but I really wish I started the treatment sooner. So many years feeling incompetent and damaged! Months of school missed, almost getting expelled, turning down invites, awkward friendship moments, scared of my own shadow... Anxiety is mentally brutal. It's not just being scared or exaggerating, it's a very real struggle that can destroy your social life -- which is needed to live a healthy and prosperous life. I spent so many days unable to get myself out of bed because anything outside of that area seemed like a threat.
I started SSRIs 8 months ago. I can't say it's been perfect, but that's not what I'm aiming for. Some periods are tougher than others, but I'm so grateful I'm at a state where I actually feel like I'm living -- not a shell of a person. I'm not self-sabotaging myself as much as I used to, and I'm gaining more and more independence and confidence in my daily life. I'm finally able to say that I'm happy and motivated.
I'm sure that therapy will help resolve some of my childhood trauma, so I'm looking forward to that, but I want to go into the sessions with a clear mind. Without the medication, I wouldn't be able to process and live by my psychologist's advice. I'm extremely grateful to have found a treatment that works!
I describe my experience of SSRIs as cleaning the very dirty windows of a room and being able to see out at last, and to see the room itself with all that extra light, and to enjoy the feeling of sun on my skin.
I still remember the first time I woke up in the morning without a knot of dread in my gut. I was on SSRIs for a year, and then took them again for another six months later on. That was all 20 years ago or so.
You described it perfectly! I resonate so much with the feeling of the sun on your skin. When I visualise myself in a peaceful place, I imagine myself running through a field of tall grass with the sun's warmth on my skin.
If you don't mind me asking, how come you stopped taking them? I'm asking because I can't imagine my life without them now that I've learned of the difference they make. I've tried grounding techniques and journalling but they never helped quite as much as the medication did, so I can't rely on those methods.
Good question. It's hard to recall exactly, but I felt in the end that I wanted to try living without their help. I weaned off them gradually and felt ok. Then after a few years I felt the symptoms of depression return and resumed taking them for I think six months. This was nearly 20 years ago. I haven't suffered depression since.
I know other people on SSRIs have talked about a flattening of emotions, but I never felt that. They didn't make me happy exactly - it's more that they enabled me to feel optimistic.