The Onion

I was in Hollywood, looking to add to my tech bro portfolio. I'd been dodging peter thiels satanic priests all afternoon. I stumbled through a tent city, I was feeling drowsy due to fentanyl contact high. After I had kungfoo-ed a gang of immigrant criminals, I saw the studios.

I wandered over, bloody and bruised but victorious. I was in an instant surrounded by stars and starlets, the who's who. Glitz and glamour. A fat man in a suit waddled up to me, it's almost as if he could smell my crypto. He said all this cood be mine for 3.50. I spun and threw my arms to the heavens in victorious ecstasy. As I looked back, I realized it was the godamn lock ness monster.