Crossposted from https://sh.itjust.works/post/50148246
Hi, I have cptsd according to my doctors because of rlly bad relationship abuse and they don't think I have cluster b disorders but i experience a lot of symptoms reminiscent of bpd so this still feels like the place where I would be most understood or heard. and since my friend does have bpd maybe ppl will be able to speak on similar experiences. This account is new because I dont want my friend to see it and feel bad even though that's unlikely.
Im 21m and I became friends w someone at the start of this year. We became close quickly sharing about related interests and love for nature and i helped her with her undergrad thesis because of how stressed she was with school. during time time we would call somewhat often and we talked so much. we grew really close across this last year to the point where lines feel blurred about our friendship, we've talked about ideal futures and relationships and shes hinted that she wonders if she would be happier with someone whos more like her and talked about what it would be like breaking up with her bf. She told me when she started talking she didn't wanna talk to someone for them to like her because shes in a relationship and i respected that i didn't wanna fall in love but shes literally perfect and as we got so close it felt so hard not to. We would wish eachother goodnight and good morning and we talked all day most days.
Her bf got uncomfortable with the time she spends with me and ive noticed her pulling back ever since we finished her thesis. and even though i know this is just how things are i feel my heart shattering it feels like life without being close to her is meaningless. i recently lost my pet rabbit who i was extremely bonded to and thats made it even harder. shes the only person i talk to this much at all i dont have anyone to tell about these feelings. I know she probably recognizes how i feel but wont bring it up because of how everything is.
recently shes been getting more distant as she spends extra time with her boyfriend and we've stopped spending so much time together. she still messages me about certain things on her mind and interests in animals and bugs etc but it feels so different than our daily routine before and its made me feel so alone and isolated. i love her more than anything else and it hurts so much to feel like i matter so little. I just feel really alone right now and all i want is to know i matter to her like she matters to me but all my brain can think of is how worthless i am and that if i were better she would love me.
I've been feeling really suicidal for the first time in a longtime and everything around this has been driving me to extreme emotional instability. im deactivating my accounts and thinking through what it would be like to kill myself its bad its the worst state ive been in for a long time, i even self harmed recently for the first time in a long time too. I dont know how i get through this im constantly facing abandonment fears and wanting to isolate myself to get ahead of them and have been wanting to die to escspe it all i dont know how to cope with feelings like this i just freeze.
Hi! CPTSD, ADHD, and GAD here. You sound a lot like me in my early twenties, except you know you have CPTSD, maybe BPD-lite, and have the self-awareness and courage to ask for help. Internet high five, that's awesome! Seriously, I didn't get to where you are at for about another five years.
I'm going to call out some points of concern. I'm not trying to be a jerk or cruelly critical, it's just what I'd worry about with myself or a friend. Feel free to ask questions: I'm about three decades ahead of you, so I have a fair bit of personal experience with working on these sorts of struggles.
Consider how you'd feel if she was your girlfriend and was discussing things like this or generally acting the way she was with you with another person. A person's behavior in past relationships is a decent predictor of future behavior. In other words, she'd likely do it to you too.
She's changing her behavior but isn't discussing it with you. I suspect that's either her being uncomfortable talking about it and avoiding doing so, a "communication skills" red flag, or she isn't aware she's doing it at all, which is a "self-awareness" red flag. That's two of the most important elements of any relationship: knowing what you think, need, want, and feel, and clearly communicating it.
I see multiple big warning signs about her just from what you've shared and I'm sure future you will as well. I see others have brought up limerence. Friendo, I am 99% certain that you're limerencing hard. People like us tend to feel a LOT. There's nothing wrong with that and when it's healthy, it's just the best! It's something to learn to work with, though. I've developed methods to work with it as do many other folks like us. Lean on us some. We don't want you to hurt.
As someone who has felt all of this, literally ALL of this, you DO NOT want to start a relationship if this where you're at now. Why?
Cliche but true advice: you can't be truly happy with someone else if you can't be truly happy by yourself.
Add to this that it's so, soooo difficult to learn to be happy by yourself if you're in a relationship that's acting as an emotional bandage over abandonment and anxious attachment issues (ask me how I know). It will set a tone of codependence, tying much of your stability into your perception of another person's validation of you. That's so hard on your mental, emotional, and even physical health, and it's difficult for your partner too as that's a ton of pressure for them, even if they initially enjoy it (ask me how I know. Again.). Having your partner as your primary source of support can be a nightmare. If something happens to them, that means you lose ALL that support. Had a fight and they're angry? Support pause. She goes camping? Support be gone! You two split up? Massive, permanent support loss at the time you need it most. Plus being open to that level of emotional dependence makes you like catnip for abusers (ask me how I know. Again again. Yeah, mistakes were made.).
This probably isn't what you want to hear, but what I think you need to hear is: please avoid serious romantic relationships until you feel confident in your psychological health. Until then, you're much more likely to hurt yourself and others, and others are more likely to hurt you. Healthy relationships are built on stability and magnify that stability, whereas relationships built on instability will magnify the instability, and instability begets further instability. It's a terrible cycle.
You'd benefit greatly by developing a support group that can give support equal to or greater than that provided by your partner. If you're not seeing one already, make a part of that a therapist who can help objectively work things out with you, teach you skills to do the same on your own, and untangle some of your past trauma.
Read some self-help books, even if just to learn more about what you're dealing with. I cannot recommend Pete Walker’s “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” and “The Tao of Fully Feeling” enough. They’re my two go-to books out of the literally dozens I’ve read. His Complex PTSD book probably saved my life and The Tao of Fully Feeling is great for anyone dealing with emotions.
I'll end my novel now but know you've got this! You have at least a few internet randos rooting for you. If you have any questions, feel free to respond or DM me. Don't be shy, I'm happy to answer anything I can!