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Yea... so much energy required. Idk why but I think Covid made me have Germophobia/Mysophobic. Sometimes there are like bird poop or sometimes literal dog poop in the nearby park. And its a city park, not a national/state park so they generally don't get cleaned and its kinda like in a sort of rough part of the city (not that rough, but sort of rough). I think there are drunk dudes pissing in the bush or something... ugh... idk... feels kinda disgusted to go in public. I remember having covid, that really fucked with me, so much coughing and throwing up. Idk if my depression was partly resulted from covid.
I wanna go into like some woods or hills/mountains to explore, but my parents have kinda instilled this "stranger danger" thing into my subconsciousness and "there are kidnappers there, don't go to those places", and as for cities... yeah about that... I had I think it's what's called "CPTSD" from childhood of me being alone, after running away from home from my older brother who was fighting me. Yes, it was probably a bad idea to do that, but I was like 6 probably, I knew was home = danger, but my parents were at work during that incident. So I just left. I went to look for my mother so I can tell her about what my brother did, I didn't even recognize how dangerous it was going outside. Nobody even cared about me being outside alone, this was mainland China, nobody cares. Anyways, after the incident, my parents found me, and then, she told me "yoi could've been kidnapped", so yea, that only exacerbated my fears. I was a 6 year old (probably, can't be sure), and all I understood about the world was brother = bad and outside = bad people kidnappers.
So you wonder why I fear outside so much...
This is why... outside, alone, tends to get my heartrate up. By alone I also include like in a crowd of strangers. I need someone I can trust to be with me.
Its a very complex thing. When I was a kid, and at home, parents (especially my mother) and my brother was the danger, but when I was outside, I'd have to stick close to the known dangers (my parents) to protect me from the unknown dangers of the world. So I have this weird separation anxiety connection towards the very people who emotionally abused me.
Basically, I think its the fear and loneliness that I developed on that fateful day, that has been encoded into my brain and I just fear the outside. Outside = Advsersity. Its where people want to kidnap you, its where racists are (when I first came to America and experienced racism). So really, I don't feel safe anywhere.
Yes I realize I probably need a psychatrist lol.