Polyamory

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A community for discussion of Polyamory as well as other Ethical Non-Monogamy styles.

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Discussions around Polyamory specifically, or Ethical Non-Monogamy in general only.
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NSFW content is allowed in discussion (i.e. talking about sex is fine) but pornographic images are not.

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Crackhappy@lemmy.world

submitted 2 months ago by Zeke@fedia.io to c/polyamory@lemmy.world

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So I'm completely new to this and this is a recent self discovery, but I've been in a monogamous relationship for 18 years. I was married to him for 11 of those years, but a couple years ago, I started feeling trapped and was starting to fall for other people and we just stopped getting along for a while so I decided I wanted to call it off both for his sake and mine. I learned a lot about myself in the time we were separated and I'm still learning. We got divorced and then, after some time, I started falling for him again because we had both been working on ourselves and we were still on good terms, but now I have a problem. I'm falling for another guy while also loving my current partner. My current partner knows because I opened up to him about it, but he doesn't want me to pursue anyone else. He wants to stay monogamous and I understand that he's scared, but I feel like I've got a hole in my life. I love my partner, I love this life I have, but I have so much more to give and I wanna share this life with another. I don't really know what to do or how to stop feeling this way

(Update) I won't be responding to this anymore. I got a few helpful responses, but I'm tired of the people who think the worst of me for loving 2 people. Thank you to those who did help

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[–] Zeke@fedia.io -2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

@agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works He literally told me it was a fear thing.

[–] agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Can you elaborate?

[–] Zeke@fedia.io -3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

@agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works I was talking to him about being poly. He said he's just afraid that I'm gonna lose feelings for him, but I'm happy with him. He's put in so much work on himself and we can openly communicate again. I'm just trying to figure out how best to reassure him that he's safe, but I understand if it takes time

[–] agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Are we talking about the man you left once already? That certainly seems like a reasonable fear. Unfortunately, given the history, I don't think there's anything you can do to assuage that fear. From his perspective all he can know is that it's happened before.

Polyamory isn't a "Fix it" button for struggling relationships. If he's not comfortable with it, he's not comfortable with it. You have to respect his wishes if you want a relationship with him.

[–] Zeke@fedia.io 0 points 2 months ago (1 children)

@agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works I'm not trying to fix it because we're doing well together. I just want to figure out how to talk to him more about this. When I left him, I left him for both our sakes. I couldn't give him what he needed at the time because I didn't even know what I needed or wanted or even who I was and he lost himself in it as well. Our time apart was good for both of us and that is not just my words.

[–] agamemnonymous@sh.itjust.works 1 points 2 months ago

Whatever the reason, it happened, and it was your decision. How can he ever be sure it won't happen again, that you won't decide you can't give each other what you need again?

I think if you push this, the relationship is going to fracture irreparably, sooner or later, depending on how tolerant he is.