Not *Not* the Onion

ITHACA, NY—Citing numerous advancements in communication technology over the years, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Cornell University found that voices coming through walkie-talkies should sound normal by now.

“After countless hours of fact-finding and analysis, we’ve concluded that it’s 2025, and the speaker shouldn’t be all crackly anymore,” said lead researcher Jerome Thompson, noting that at a time when humanity was developing quantum computers, it was “pretty messed-up” that voices in two-way radio transceivers still came out tinny and could be difficult to understand.

“They should sound like cell phones, but instead they sound weird and staticky. Any handheld device should sound as though the person is standing right there in the room with you. And honestly, they should’ve sounded like that a long time ago—I mean, phones have sounded good for ages, so why not walkie-talkies?” The study follows a report out earlier this month that concluded people using walkie-talkies shouldn’t have to say “over” at the end of every sentence.