I need a male perspective on this.
My husband and I have a healthy sex life, but lately, I’ve been working a lot of grueling night shifts as a pediatric nurse. We’ve committed to helping his sister with her treatment costs, so I’ve been taking on more shifts to contribute.
On Monday, I worked an 8-hour shift that ended at 6 AM. I got home around 6:30, and I’ll admit I wasn’t the quietest since I had to grab my pajamas from outside. I accidentally woke him up, apologized, and got into bed. He was a little annoyed but started initiating. I told him—gently—that I was exhausted, especially since I had just lost an inpatient. But he was clearly frustrated, and he had to be up for work in two hours, so I ended up going along with it.
We talked the next day, and he admitted he’s been feeling frustrated with how often I’ve been turning him down. We used to have sex daily or close to it, but now it’s around four times a week since my schedule changed. He told me that “marital duties” aren’t something you can just neglect based on how you feel in the moment and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.” (For context, I cover about 45% of it, so it’s not like I’m not contributing financially.)
I get where he’s coming from—he has a high libido, and I know intimacy is important. But I didn’t think saying no when I’m sleep-deprived and emotionally drained was unreasonable. That being said, I’ve seen a lot of men on r/deadbedrooms frustrated with the “I’m tired” excuse, so I’m wondering—do most guys feel this way? Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs? What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?
Would really appreciate some honest opinions.
Shortly put: If you don't want to have sex, there is no duty for you to have it.
Some experiences of my own:
It's annoying when sex isn't available when I'd need it, especially if it would be available from people I've promised not to have it with, but not available from who I'm allowed to have it with. But when I get annoyed by that, I understand that's my problem, because having sex because of being compelled to have it is a really really bad thing. I personally have let some of my ex-girlfriends get sex from me even if I haven't really been in the mood for it, because I know they get happy from it and I like them being happy, but I wouldn't do that very often, and I've also excercised my right to say "no." And there hasn't been a feeling that I have some kind of "duty" to have sex with my partner. Well, with one partner there was – I got a lot of "am I not attractive enough to you", followed by days of having to support my gf with her anxieties about how she looks, and have once learned that yes, I am apparently able to fake an orgasm. In the end make a knot in the empty condom without her seeing and bring it to the trash, making sure it doesn't stay visible, and all is fine. But, that did feel horribly bad and I still remember it negatively, over a decade later. Still, it got me a chance to go sleeping instead of having a hour-long conversation about why my gf is attractive, when what I really needed was to sleep, so I took the easy way out. The demand was to have sex, not to have it for longer than 1½ minutes or so, or to really do anything else than a penetration. The relationship did end quite soon, though, and this feeling that I don't have a right to say "no" to sex in that relationship because my partner had such a low self-esteem was one of the reasons.
In your case, the situation sounds like you're being somewhat abused, though. I would personally be okay with having sex without being in the mood, but only if that decision is made by me. I could say "hm, I don't really feel like it, but let's go for it anyway, I don't mind." But if there was a demand that I must have sex or that I have a marital duty to have sex, I would feel raped if I had sex anyway, so under such circumstances I would definitely say "no" if I wasn't in the mood. It's a very different thing to look at your partner that is getting pleasure, see them enjoying and be happy for their pleasure, than it is to "fulfill a duty". One wrecks your mind, the other one doesn't. One action is a result of love, the other one is a result of fear. Even if it's the precisely same physical act, the effects on your mind can be very different. And they are not something you can choose.
What I'd do in your pants would be to say "okay, let's make a deal: I work less so that I'm less tired and will be able to enjoy sex as often as in the past, you work more to cover for the expenses of your sister." I'd assume the answer would be "no way!", after which you could say "okay, then it's a deal. I'm fulfilling my duty by helping my husband's sister. No you fulfill yours by enabling me to sleep when I need to. Good night." If the answer was "okay", I'd have a difficult situation, though...
But to end this long text: If you believe that after the act you'd feel, even to some extent, raped, DO NOT go for it! It's also not in the interests of your husband to cause you such a feeling. It breaks a part of you, and makes you less able to be a good partner. You are a better wife with your psyche in one piece than with your legs open and your psyche missing shards.