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this post was submitted on 17 Jul 2025
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Certain women like asshole confidence. Typically the type to write "I'm a bitch, deal with it" in their bios
I've known many women who were very nice and intelligent, who dated assholes. Usually they end the relationship thinking "ugh, why did I do that? That guy was such an asshole."
They do this because women are human, and do the very human thing of making mistakes and regretting them.
Bad/terrible people can be hot. In fact, often when people are hot they feel more free to be their natural asshole selves because they can get away with it more. This applies to both men and women in all directions.
In fact, some people want their partner to be mean to them, its more often hetero women who like that. If a guy can be mean and get away with it, that implies they're hot shit, extremely confident, rich, and/or powerful. Those are attractive features in a guy.
There are also hetero men who want women to be mean to them, especially in the bedroom.
Big if true
I find that spanning inferential distances is typically best accomplished by starting from obvious facts. When you say something that sounds dumb because it is so obvious, you've found a good starting point for creating shared understanding.
sometimes you dont realise theyre an asshole until youre already a year plus deep
Yeah, new relationship energy will fucking get you sometimes
The women that like arseholes, believe it or not, are also probably arseholes.
I wonder if there are more assholes than normal people, so that it only seems that assholes are more successful in dating because there are simply more of them.
It can work by sampling biases. Let's say you have a hundred marbles, 99 blue, 1 orange, each has a number on it. Each day you pull out 5, if it's blue you roll a d20 and on a 20 you keep it out for 1d20 turns. If it's orange you put it back without rolling, but you have to do a push up.
It will feel like there's way more orange than any individual blue. Why? The orange is more noticeable at a glance, it changes the interaction from routine, and the blue marbles have a chance to leave the bag for a few turns and so once it's gotten going the bag often has more than 1% orange in it.
The default on tinder is swipe, no match, but if match no conversation, but if conversation it goes nowhere, but if it goes somewhere it doesn't lead to a date, at which point if it does lead to a date suddenly you're thinking of this person as out of ths ordinary and may be remembered. Maybe a relationship happens which removes you both from the pool for an indeterminate amount of time
Assholes are noticeable, they're memorable, and they're already a few steps in. Then when they do enter a relationship it's likely to be on the shorter end because they just kinda suck, so they go back into the pool faster.
If there are more arseholes than non-arseholes, then the arseholes are the 'normal' people. That's why I stay inside. I'm also trying reconcile with myself the possibility that I'm also an arsehole, just the wrong sort of arsehole.