New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I'm still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I'm not a monster so I won't shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I've had no "my whole world changed and I'd die for this kid" moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn't die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I'm trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can't do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn't stay awake while feeding (she's pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren't specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won't be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don't, everything will go to even deeper shit. She's the one who wanted 5 kids and I'm now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it's a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I'm changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it's the first time I've seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
Oh boy
Yeah - this isn’t a puppy you decided to get. You made the decision to bring a human into this world and now you’re complaining it is hard and you never wanted it?!
Seriously seek some help, else get out of the picture before you make it worse for the child.
I mean tbh yeah but i dont think you can say that in this sub. The guy already knows he fucked up. Hes at least making an effort to unfuck his up. Better late than never
Honestly, I read it like OP wanted pity points.
I'm typing this as my 15 month old is falling asleep in my arms for the 'night' (she'll wake up in 3 hours for the midnight snack).
OP, get yourself some counseling. If you didn't feel like you wanted kids, you should have been up front with your wife. That child is now brought into the world and you need to nut up and put your wants and desires on the back burner.
Like others have said better than me, get your village helping you. The first several months are rough, and your wife and child need support, and so do you. Then, when things ease (and they will), maybe you can get out for an afternoon. But don't whine about how your wife isn't doing anything.
Taking notes. Thanks for the help
Also, for what it's worth, having read your othwrs comments, it really does seem like you are going to make a good father. In the end, dedication is far more important than any fleeting emotion. You might connect with them, you might not. That's a gamble that might never pay off for you. But the fact that are you willing to put in the dedication even without feeling that attachment is admirable, and is a neccassary trait for a father. You are not a bad father, you made an ill thought out choice, not neccassarily even a mistake until you deem it so. So long as your continued choice, regardless of the circumstances, is dedication, the odds increase every day that the child will connect with you regaurdless of whether you connect with them. And thats whats important now. You are their father first and foremost, and you are currently doing a sound job maintaining that. As for your wife, I don't really have any advice. I'm sure you've already heard or thought of any thing I could tell you you shouldve done, or shouldve told her. It sounds like you've already exhausted my ideas for things you can do to help her. I hate to sound unempathetic, but I don't really know what else to say.
Didnt figure it was neccassary. I was far from the first to respond. That... is not a great outlook for such an important decision though, as you have realised.