New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I'd have a kid(s) because...that's what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I'm still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I'm not a monster so I won't shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I'm not going to hurt this kid. I'm not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I've had no "my whole world changed and I'd die for this kid" moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn't die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I'm trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can't do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn't stay awake while feeding (she's pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren't specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won't be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don't, everything will go to even deeper shit. She's the one who wanted 5 kids and I'm now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it's a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I'm changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it's the first time I've seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.
You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.
The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.
You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.
The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.
You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?
You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.
Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!
Not sure why you had to be so condescending. I'm asking for insight into feelings im not feeling that everyone told me i would have, not for someone to tell me I fucked up. I consulted like 30 people before we made the decision to move ahead with it and not a single person said I shouldn't go ahead with it. I'm literally doing everything possible aside from feeding him with my man tits from the basic needs to reading and singing to this kid.
And of those 30 people no one said "Are you sure? Because if you are not, don't do it." I mean, I believe you, but that's cruel. There's no magic instinct thing that will come over every parent immediately, once they hold their child for the first time. And those people should have known this! Still, they encouraged you to do one of the toughest and life altering things possible and promised you, that you would love it. You won't. Maybe you never will.
But you can still love your kid, even if you don't like being a parent. I know fathers who didn't want to be a parent, but they did their best regardless and now love their kids very much. They still loathe being a parent though.
First year is the toughest in my experience. It gets better. It will never get easy. Find other parents with similar experiences. You are absolutely not alone in this.