Mental Health

I can't provide anything that you haven't been provided by a mental health expert, but I can tell you to be extremely aware of those attacking you online. They don't know you, they don't see you, they just see text and reply in a way that they've been conditioned to reply through their own experiences online. Some people are extremely hostile online, I would know, I was one of them. The moment a real person was attached to a comment, I felt instant remorse of my actions. I once attacked a temporary =3 host and he personally replied to me in a non-aggressive manner, and I can honestly trace back my awareness of my actions online to that one interaction, it filled me with remorse and embarrassment, I had just personally attacked someone for no reason other than they exposed themselves on the internet to try and entertain an audience, and I could see I had made them feel bad about it, it felt horrible.

This is a degree of awareness that is either unusual for most people or something that will eventually happen to them but hasn't happened yet, and this in no way reflects on you as a human being. Think about that whenever you feel attacked: they might lack the awareness of the impact of their actions, or they may be going through a rough time themselves, or they might just be assholes. None of these scenarios mean you are any less deserving of love and acceptance than anyone else, it just means we live in a world with a ton of people doing their thing and sometimes that's a harmful action towards others.

Same thing with real life bullies. I admit I'm not as lenient on them because I had a horrible time in school due to bullies, and now I see they have grown to be grown up bullies (one of my school bullies literally became a right wing libertarian lawyer who leads a libertarian community that's stealing aboriginal lands and suing my country for billions because the government doesn't want such communities to exist), I do not understand it, I hate it, but....it's still a problem with them and not with me. After years of feeling like I was unworthy of acceptance, of compassion or friendship, I found my people, I went to university and found my nerds, I grew up and went to work and found even more nerds, I eventually found a girl who vibes with me and we eventually found a bar where we found many people we like and we keep growing our friend circles with people who see us for who we are, who can have a nice time with us without the need to be hurtful to anyone (there's always banter and it's necessary to recognize banter for what it is, since under it there still is love). I'm currently writing this from said bar, surrounded by wonderful people and having changed my hateful self for a loving one. Loving myself has been a challenge and yet I've managed to get there, and I wish I could tell my teenage self we get there in the end.

Don't let the negative experiences rule your world, even if your own mind tricks you into doing so. I remember sorta becoming addicted to the pain, not being able to fall asleep without reliving all the pain I had been keeping in my heart. It's such a weird thing, but it was very real and I had to work very hard to overcome it, with medication, with friends, with reasoning and self awareness. It's not easy, it can almost feel impossible, but it can be done. I, for one, believe in you OP, not because I know you, but because I didn't believe in myself and I still pulled through, and I think if I could do it while rooting against myself at many points in time, so can you.

Allow me to quote a small fragment from the movie V for Vendetta: "even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you."