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Is it common after a breakup to lose every mutual friend you had? (lemmy.ca)

submitted 1 day ago by rabber@lemmy.ca to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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A year ago I broke up with my gf of 8 years after finding out she cheated on me and had been for a long time.

I quite literally have zero friends remaining at this point. Every single mutual friend has stayed friends with her and completely ghosted me. I can only suspect I've been slandered and that's why nobody wants anything to do with me anymore. I tried going to local shows as that was my community but it's completely sucked the fun out of things because it's a small city and there's always eyes on me from different corners of the room like I've done something wrong and I don't feel welcome anymore. So I've just stopped attending concerts which used to be my safe space. Standing by myself watching the band while people stare a hole in the side of my head isn't exactly enjoyable.

My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves, and while I know that's not reality, it's fundamentally changed the way I approach friendships. I don't open up to people anymore because I don't trust anyone anymore.

I don't think or care about my ex but the friends who ghosted me still cause daily intrusive thoughts. I don't know why I've been abandoned. No closure and no way to defend myself. I never expected how much more it hurts to lose friends than it does to lose a partner.

I miss my friends but they've proven they don't care about me so when they inevitably reach out to me there's no way I'll be able to forgive.

Probably I need to go back to therapy again but just curious if anyone has experienced similar.

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[–] VirtigoMommy@sh.itjust.works 6 points 14 hours ago

Hey. This happened to me a few years ago. Had a great friend group of many years, started dating my best friend in the group. They raped me, then slandered me and accused me of accusing them of a bunch of stuff before I talked to anyone.

All my friends believed them.

It was fucking devastating. Honestly, I still couldn’t tell you what hurt the most out of that situation but suffice it to say losing everyone in my life at the same time really fucked me up for a number of years after.

My lived experience aligns with yours in that 98% of people are lying, cheating, selfish bastards. People are lazy, and don’t really care about what’s right but rather what’s convenient, and it’s usually more convenient to just not examine the situation and go along with the group. After all, they don’t want to lose their friends too *sigh

In the end, people will be people and believe whatever. There may be some self reflection needed from you in this situation but don’t ruminate on what they do or don’t think about you. Focus on being someone you like and are happy with.

I had the same problem socially with being tight in the local music scene, small venues, hard to make new friends because everyone is cliquey. Honestly it was super weird to read your post because it mirrored my experience post break up almost exactly (minus the rape trauma hopefully).

5 years later I have a handful of good friends and people I’ve built new meaningful friendships with. It’s hard to meet people, let alone people you really vibe with, but for me, I met them all in the oddest of places at the oddest of times. It sounds cliche, but you just have to stay open and keep going out. You don’t have to open up and be vulnerable with everyone you meet, but stay friendly, and be vulnerable with the people that reciporicate over time, and be forgiving/ give people the space and time to be human/ adults/ busy.