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CW: suicide and depression
Two years ago, I was suffering from the worst depression I've ever had. It's chronic. I am often suicidal. But the feelings still range in grey, almost never the far extremes. I'm like a battery constantly bouncing between 10% and 50% charged.
But some time in the summer, it was at 1-5%. I was barely hanging on. Some days I nearly broke and I actively started looking for ways to off myself.
Thankfully, I'd worked on building an action plan for the different stages of severity in my depression. One of the actions I was obligated (to myself) to do was ask for help. But even in my 30s, I never really learned how. I'd almost rather chew my arm off than ask someone to help me, with anything. And even if I really needed help I never know how to ask for it, or know what I need.
After some meditation, I realized I just wanted comforting words from people who cared. So I sent a message to my friend group, told them what I was going through, and asked them to send me kind words in private, but like obviously how they truly feel, not just to stroke my ego. Be honest, be funny, if you care send me anything.
Crying just typing this out. The messages I received in reply... were everything. I got way more than I expected. Friends celebrated having me in their life. They called me funny names, like female goth Garfield. Some surprised me; one of my friends expressed that she thought I was so cool from the day she met me. My best friend's was one of the best, it was just one line.
He said, "Happy you decided to let others be the kind of friend you would and have been for them."
Our friends weren't always curmudgeonly or stoic or anything, but in the aftermath of my request, people changed. Everyone started being much nicer to one another. We patched up old wounds. I'd say what happened was my friends started caring more for each other. It's disgustingly cute. It melts my heart. My friends are the greatest people in the world. I'm furious that some people exist without friends like these. You deserve it as much as I do.
🫠❤️