this post was submitted on 17 Apr 2026
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If someone is behaving poorly, there are two broad reasons. They know and are choosing to (for some value of choosing) and they don't know and are doing it anyway. If someone is being a dick and doesn't realize why they're being a dick, pointing it out can cause them to realize they're being a dick, at which point they can choose to stop (again, for some value of choosing) or they can not, which puts them in category of knowing and choosing to. All that assumes that they accept your assessment of the situation is correct.
Now, as for your specific alternative? Having been in this type of situation, I would go with something along the lines of, "Aww, honey that sucks. Let's stop arguing about how your feelings about the state of the kitchen aren't my problem. Now, do you want cuddles before or after I tidy the kitchen, and where does chocolate and/or ice cream fit into this process?" Now, granted, my wife has learned to accept that my stupid, overly-specific ass is just that and is willing to say things like that on occasion since subtle is only a theoretical concept around here.
I think you're confusing the words "how" and "why". Why they're being a dick is a question for a therapist, unresolved childhood trauma, insecurities etc.
How they're being a dick is the question you seem to be referring to. They don't realize that what they're doing is wrong or hurtful, because they don't see how their actions are affecting their partner.
"How does that make you feel" is another good question. I might be unaware that my actions are upsetting in the first place.
But saying "why do you feel that way" creates separation between yourself and your actions and places the burden of introspection on the partner, not yourself. My partner gets upset when i make a mess, because I made a mess. Their feelings do not require introspection. My actions are the issue in that case. If im confused i would ask "How do my actions affect you?". I might not realize how big a problem the mess is for them, that's where the education is needed, not on why they have feelings about my mess.