Trans Joy

It's something I had to make this morning. It's been only since around Monday-Tuesday midnight that I've known I'm trans, and since Wednesday that I've understood I'm transfem. And there's still much to do before I will have grown into a woman. Female clearly yes, but when I opened to metaphorical container for my gender identity to let whatever flow out that might come out of, it all that I noticed was the inside walls were, very surprisingly, all pink, and that the container was ... empty. It'll take time for its contents to accumulate, but I am finding them laying around, here and there. For now I am still non-binary. Not so much about feeling imposter to others, but not yet completely really able to grasp a womanhood. But, I'm floating that way much faster than I would have expected.

Here's something about parts of womanhood I've found this morning:
All my pants are jeans. I've got like 10 pairs of blue jeans, and that's it. (That's how men often are.) Went to grab for clean jeans. And couldn't get myself to wear them.
So... Another closet has bedsheets. I like the grayish green colour of one of my duvet covers. And its material is a bit funny – kind of stretchy and nicely soft. I managed to fold the duvet cover into a reasonably passable skirt. It's not a piece of designer clothing, it's not perfectly fitting and it's definitely not perfectly beautiful: you can see it's more like a placeholder for a real skirt than an actual skirt, but it does its main job of empowering me very well, and it's the best I have. Until I go shopping for a real skirt this evening💃

Some hours of having worn this skirt, and I took a pen and a piece of scrap paper. I said a name out loud. And then I scribbled it with as beautiful cursive letters as I could. It felt weird writing that name, as it's always been more of a joke, a funny thing from a story. A story about how my mother somehow assumed she was expecting a baby girl, and had a name for her daughter. And then, much later during the pregnancy, she suddenly understood that she might actually get a male child. And then she invented a new name for me, that I've been using all the time since this week. The name didn't first look very good. The d got all wrong, but then scribbling again atop the word, it started looking better. Now I've been glancing at it in front of my computer screen every now and then when doing things online, and it's starting to feel familiar. I know people with that name, and they are absolutely unlike me, so the name doesn't really feel like my own. But it's the one my mother gave me, and there are reasons that are compelling enough to change it for something else, so that's what I'm going to go with. And when I was coming out to my parents about this slight teeny-weeny change in my identity I've had on the Monday night, and mentioned that I believe I was born with female as my internal gender, she suddenly got tears in her eyes and blurped out that same name I had already figured is going to be my name one day. And I said "Yup." An agreement was made without really saying anything.

This is not my name yet. It's definitely going to be my name in the future. Maybe I'll feel friends with it already tonight, maybe in a week, maybe in a year. We will see. That's why you need to click here to see it. I do not have a deadname. I have a name that is on palliative care, being made comfortable during the last moments of its life, as its life force is seeping away. I am very very happy there's another name that is able to absorb that other name's life force.

Anyway, Tueday I was extremely euphoric all day long. Butterflies in my belly and all. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were all-in-all very nice, nicer than anything I had had for years. But now I'm having something closer to last Tuesday again!