Hi,
I don't know if I actually "qualify" to post here, but since I have some levels of transfem or feminine self-identity, I think it might be worth asking. I'm technically in the phase where I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I identify myself as, despite my age, so like... there's that.
I went to see a therapist who specializes in gender identity. It was pretty nice to be able to "come clean" about myself in a way that was non-judgemental and I was perhaps so gung-ho to talk about it that they were pretty amazed with how comfortable I was talking about it. What they didn't know is that I was really thinking about it every day for a week before my appointment, even grappling how honest I would be.
Anyway, long story short, there's a mutual understanding from both me and my therapist that I have to at least talk to my current long term girlfriend about my gender questioning and get some kind of thumbs up or down on whether she's comfortable with me talking to someone or at least reflecting on myself. I felt bad enough going to the first appointment "secretly", despite my body being my own choice but as life partners it feels wrong. Since I might be more gender fluid or non-binary, technically, I'd personally be fine "coping" with myself as I am if that was her preference (I mean this sincerely) if otherwise our relationship would end -- I value her more than I value my "identity", if that makes sense.
There's certain aspects to this relationship that are going to be very different from most: The US policy of the last 6 to 8 years has put us in stasis a bit where we're stuck long distance, so realistically speaking the next time I can see her in person is probably later this year in the fall. This is probably too long for me to wait before mentioning it, so I'm going to have to try to find some way to make this work in a phone call (or video call).
Anyway, I'm curious to know if anyone else here who came out with partners have any stories about how this went. I've heard it usually goes kind of tits-up, so I'm a bit anxious to bring it up especially over the phone. Part of me thinks that my girlfriend basically already knows because the hints can get pretty extreme, but you never know what people will actually think once it's "confirmed" or not hahaha.
Here's how it went for me:
there was some conflict between us that we realized was related to the way I was raised as a boy / man (typical male over-responsibility combined with a lack of cooperation and communication), and we mutually agreed that it was unhelpful, unnecessary, and undesired (at the time I was clear I didn't want to be a man or like a man and I had worked in therapy for months on the sole and explicit goal of undoing my male socialization), so I was researching resources on how to undo "male socialization", and a lot of what I found was in trans spaces.
In one of those threads, there was a link to these youtube videos about how to know if you're a trans woman, and after I watched the videos and read a bit more about common trans experiences, I realized they fit really closely with my experiences and even though I had suspected I could be trans my whole life, I had previously always looked at the DSM and dismissed my symptoms for not being severe enough or being authentic "distress".
Well, I was very wrong unfortunately and I had repressed for decades for essentially no reason.
After watching the videos, I simply walked up to my partner and said, "I think I might be trans", and she literally sighed with relief and was so happy.
My partner is a gay woman, for context. I've never been in a relationship with a straight woman, I just don't think that would have worked. I also never initiated relationships, it was always a gay woman who found me and wanted a relationship - so ... yeah, there were signs.
All this to say, my experience might be unusual if your partner is not also bisexual / pansexual, etc.
For what it's worth, my partner is beginning to question whether she was ever really straight, and she reports that she is currently not able to feel physical attraction to men, so ... my partner may have been more gay than I realized.