Trans

I can never wrap my mind around the amount of denial, nor the duration of it. We're talking SIGNS here, with multiple people suggesting me being trans and parents worrying about it in early age. I had very specific stereotypes and assumptions about what a trans woman is, that I scoffed at the suggestion. Weirdest things are: I felt more comfortable in women's jeans and tights and accessories, integrated in my normal clothing, I kept a secret collection of clothing items and dressed up at home, I had online accounts with a female name, and I had looked up HRT and voice training. Still didn't figure it out.

At some point I think about 20yo it dawned on me that I am actually a trans woman and need to transition, but I was afraid about the stigma, homelessness, violence, etc, so I made a semi-conscious choice to forget about it. I successfully buried it deep down despite all the signs. Being lesbian also confused the hell out of me, as I thought trans women "who get to transition" must be straight. Low bottom dysphoria also set me back because I thought trans women "who get to transition" must want bottom surgery. I had limited understanding of HRT which confused me a lot with some trans women I had observed.

Later in life dysphoria became such a huge burden I could not overlook it anymore, and I realized I want to transition and possibly go all the way. I made several awkward steps towards transition and almost gave up, but after going through self-care and therapy I had a full insight into who I really was and wanted to be. I immediately told important people and groups in my life and after a while I started HRT. I am a decade on it now! (I am like GenX)

I wish I had waited even less. My overall social and personal function massively improved ever since realizing, and especially after HRT. I regret going through the "Real life experience" before starting HRT, as I didn't know the options to get informed consent and aimed at going the medicalist route. I did face some bullying, stares, laughs, and harassment, but also acceptance and support. Take-home message: I learned who to keep in my life and who to cut off. At the time I was thriving for the first time and didn't care, but knowing what I do know I would prefer to go the HRT route before coming out socially, and put more stock to the fact that people who knew me before mostly were unable to switch mentally to another concept of myself.