The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Emotional Surveillance System Aims to Preempt Conscience-Driven Disruptions

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive.

US Vice President JD Vance says he is shocked to hear that penguins living on The Heard and McDonald Islands 1500km north of Antarctica are yet to show gratitude for Donald Trump’s decision to reverse tariffs in the region.

In an interview today, Vance said he was yet to hear anything at all from the island’s birdlife about the tariffs.

“You would think that they would be happy about this announcement. But yet we’ve heard absolutely nothing from them. Not a squeak. How ungrateful can you be?” Vance said.

In response to Trump, the Trade Federation has launched a full-scale invasion of the peaceful planet Naboo — just 48 hours after U.S. President Donald J. Trump enacted sweeping 25% tariffs on the interstellar shipping and trade conglomerate.

Viceroy Nute Gunray, declared the move “a defensive commercial operation” though eyewitnesses reported thousands of battle droids pouring into Naboo.

“These tariffs are an attack on our economic freedom,” the Viceroy stated.

“We will not sit idly by while they tax our trade”

Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. “Let me be clear: This man, who attempted to park on the street and damaged the rear bumper of a Model 3, is a domestic terrorist who deserves to die,” said Bondi, adding that the United States now had a zero tolerance policy against people like Pratt, who gently bumped a Tesla, exited his 2018 Hyundai Elantra to inspect the electric vehicle for any damage, and—though he found none—left a note apologizing to the owner just in case.

Gamers rejoiced today as top heads of the video game industry, in conjunction with every other industry in the world, announced a modern re-release of the cult classic title The Great Depression.

“No matter how much video games advance, it’s always fun to go back and revisit the classics,” said Shuntaro Furukawa, President of Nintendo. “Nintendo is proud to be one of the many companies involved in bringing this remake of The Great Depression to life. We’ve already enjoyed seeing the discussion by fans about the upcoming Switch 2 version of The Great Depression, speculating on plot points, when it will release, and how much it will cost.”

Originally released in 1929 for the IBM 301 computer, The Great Depression was a first-person survival game that suffered from a mixed reception.

As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building’s plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. “People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine—healthier, even,” said Kennedy, who noted that the cuts would not only save taxpayers thousands of dollars in maintenance and water bills each year, but be better for the environment as well.

Americans are not sure they can handle all of the winning that has occurred since Donald Trump became President, it has emerged.

From the moment Donald Trump became President Americans have been subjected to an unyielding stream of winning which is starting to get monotonous.

“I’ve lost my job, the economy is in freefall, I can’t afford healthcare, my friend just got deported, I have to see Elon Musk’s face on TV every day – it’s just win, win, win, win, day after day after day. It’s relentless,” one supporter said.

In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. “I’m just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all I can do on screen is be given tug jobs,” said Schwarzenegger, who bemoaned the fact that every script his agent had sent his way in recent weeks had pigeonholed him as a character who is masturbated to climax by another character.

Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen and federal official, to one of the most notorious prisons in the Western Hemisphere,” said Xinis, banging on the walls of her cell in a controversial holding facility in Tecoluca, El Salvador, where she was sent on the basis of an “administrative error” that classified the Yale Law School graduate and sitting judge as a suspected member of the MS-13 gang.

Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case. “Even if you’re a more conservative investor who keeps most of your savings in bonds and money market accounts, it just makes a lot of sense to have a round locked and loaded at all times in the event of a major financial market disruption,” said Reynolds, who stressed the importance of maxing out yearly IRA contributions and regularly cleaning and oiling the barrel.

New "Ad Camouflage" feature replaces Grandma with Grubhub, seamlessly

All speech is — metaphorically and literally — code. By this, I mean it is a message you must decipher using clues and context, yes, but it is also the programming code that drives the game of humanity. When a friend explains the plot of a movie to you, your brain takes that code, unscrambles it, and executes it into a set of moving images playing in your mind. Your friend, thus, is your brain’s programmer, and the quality of the movie that plays in your head is dependent on your friend’s skill as a coder. This is why friends are so powerful and dangerous.

I enjoyed listening to Corey Booker’s 25-hour speech. While I listened, I fried several delicious sunny-side-up eggs and piloted my drone around my house to see if I could find any of my missing Evangelion miniatures. All the while, my mind compiled and executed a program of solidarity with an efficiency that put me in mind of a eurasian beaver compiling a dam in the Sozh.

Senator Booker’s skill as a coder is, in this humble game designer’s opinion, quite promising. He’s also an effective voice and performance capture actor. I could feel the organic nanites of my mind working tirelessly to take a more compassionate, politically active form in mechanical response to his human-readable instructions.

In an effort to comfort the child by telling her the funds had gone to a far better place, local parents Blake and Allison McKee gently explained to their daughter Friday that their money was in heaven now, sources confirmed. “Honey, the reason we’re sitting you down today is because even though our life savings isn’t with us anymore, you don’t need to be scared, because it’s now up in the sky where the angels live,” said Allison McKee, putting her arms around a sobbing 10-year-old Harper McKee and assuring her that while their wealth wasn’t coming back, it was smiling down on them from the clouds.

In response to market panic about his new wide-ranging tariffs, President Donald Trump reportedly offered Wall Street assurance Friday that he would soon go back to just fucking over poor people. “While my trade policy might cause some temporary hardships for investors, it’s ultimately intended to completely fucking destroy the livelihoods of the financially destitute,” said Trump, urging calm by insisting that big banks, hedge funds, and other major players should take a longer-term view to understand that his tariffs were necessary to increase widespread suffering among the impoverished.