Transfem
A community for transfeminine people and experiences.
This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.
Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.
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- Bigotry of any kind will not be tolerated.
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This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.
Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.
Some helpful links:
- The Gender Dysphoria Bible // In depth explanation of the different types of gender dysphoria.
- Trans Voice Help // A community here on blahaj.zone for voice training.
- LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory // A directory of LGBTQ+ accepting Healthcare providers.
- Trans Resistance Network // A US-based mutual aid organization to help trans people facing state violence and legal discrimination.
- TLDEF's Trans Health Project // Advice about insurance claims for gender affirming healthcare and procedures.
- TransLifeLine's ID change Library // A comprehensive guide to changing your name on any US legal document.
Support Hotlines:
- The Trevor Project // Web chat, phone call, and text message LGBTQ+ support hotline.
- TransLifeLine // A US/Canada LGBTQ+ phone support hotline service. The US line has Spanish support.
- LGBT Youthline.ca // A Canadian LGBT hotline support service with phone call and web chat support. (4pm - 9:30pm EST)
- 988lifeline // A US only Crisis hotline with phone call, text and web chat support. Dedicated staff for LGBTQIA+ youth 24/7 on phone service, 3pm to 2am EST for text and web chat.
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It could be a lot worse - a lot of folks don't realize until their 40s or later, 34 isn't too bad! And Oklahoma isn't as bad as where I lived for roughly the first two years of my transition, in the South.
My story sounds pretty similar to yours - I also rationalized in similar ways (my intense feminism, thinking women are just better and easier to get along with, thinking of myself as non-binary so I didn't have to think about transition seriously, etc.).
In my experience it's scariest at the beginning, it only gets easier from here.
The main generic advice at this point would be:
1. start HRT first
I know this sounds like a much later step, but it's actually one of the first things I would do: it is a useful diagnostic step, changes are very slow and it can take a while to even get an appt. to start, and it's extremely low risk and potentially extremely helpful for mental health - you can even stop HRT anytime within the first 3 months without any permanent changes, and after that the only permanent change you risk is having breast bud growth that sticks around.
2. educate yourself
Read any trans related educational material you feel might be useful, but here's a starting list:
You might also find helpful this longer list of resources.
I've also put together some tips on how to help with dysphoria you might find useful.
3. get a trans-affirming therapist who has worked with trans patients
It is helpful to work with a therapist, especially early in transition. You might also need them to write letters for you down the road for insurance to cover certain things.
4. if your partner is straight and/or worried about your transition, consider a couples therapist
Unfortunately a lot of marriages go through major changes (or in the worst case, don't survive), so it can be helpful to work with a therapist to help navigate transition in the context of your relationship.
5. start sketching out plans to leave Oklahoma
Honestly you should do this even if you weren't trans, all kinds of important metrics like quality of healthcare, health outcomes, risks of being in a car accident or victim of a crime, etc. are overall better in blue states where the government is functioning better.
Being trans is just another reason among many to leave for a better place.
That said, moving is hard. I recently had to flee from the South and I lost my home, left behind all of my friends and family, and I ended up losing my career of over 10 years. I'm still thankful I did it, but I understand it can be hard. You don't have to have it figured out now, but at this point it's a good idea to have a plan to escape and to work towards it.
6. relax and remind yourself you will be OK
egg-cracking is distressing, just remember that this is the hardest part and that it gets better. Pay attention to your emotional needs and take mental breaks from the topic and pace yourself. Find a way to stay within your threshold of tolerance. Seek support and help from supportive friends and family.
7. find a local trans support group and start attending
Admittedly this will have various downsides, but community is important when you are trans. It is how you learn where to find healthcare, which providers are safe, etc. When I lived in the South, I learned who I should see for everything from the trans support group - even where to get haircuts. It can also be helpful to just be around other trans people, to know you aren't alone in what you are going through.
If your city has a pride parade, usually you can find the trans support group by checking out the organization that organizes the pride parade and other events in town, there is usually at least one big LGBT+ organization in every small to mid-sized city like this, even in places like the South, and usually they host a trans support group.
Feel free to reach out with any questions. I know it's crazy to say this, but congratulations - this is a huge step for your health and well-being, and I'm so happy for you. I know it's hard, but life is likely about to get much better soon 💖
One of my colleagues at work had the realization well into his mid to late 50s, also having a wife and kids. He didn't start any hormone therapy because it would be too much effort for him, only really cross dressing every now and then, still staying with his current name and he/him pronouns.
I can't say much about his life outside of work but I do know that he generally hasn't had too many issues being the way he is. Still got a wife, still got kids and all.
I really truly hope that OP will have a similar experience. In contrast, we are in a moderately accepting area of the world luckily so who knows...
eh, I'm not going to lie, that sounds awful and I wouldn't wish that life on anyone. I spent a decade like that - cross-dressing in private and not socially or medically transitioning. I almost didn't survive it, and unfortunately that's not uncommon.
I have a trans girl friend IRL who was in her 40s when her egg cracked; she lost her marriage as a result of her transition, but is much happier now and in retrospect is glad she transitioned even though she lost her marriage.
Obviously I don't want to give the advice that trans people should always just disregard their family in favor of transition, because that doesn't seem right to me - but most of the time because the social situation views transition as immoral, as a matter of personal choice or lifestyle, and so on it's not viewed as a medical concern and isn't taken seriously, so people get stuck and they capitulate to their spouses and they don't transition. From a social perspective, this creates a situation where people are living in a repressed state, often with serious mental health issues, and this obviously increases risks of suicide, self harm, and drug abuse. So from a clinical and social perspective, there clearly needs to be some balance here, and trans people generally need to transition to avoid those harms, but that has to be done in a way that isn't unethical in the context of the family.
Sometimes this means the marriage has to end, though this is more common when the partner is straight. Luckily my partner was pansexual, and that's probably not that much of a coincidence if I'm being honest with myself. I've never been with a straight person, and that is some luck (or maybe it's a kind of selection).
Either way, I really feel for anyone in the position of choosing between transition and their family - and to be fully honest, I would have never transitioned if that were my situation. In the end, I only transitioned for my spouse, it was a bit of a reversal - my mental health issues were causing so much distress to my partner that I realized I have a duty to take care of myself so that I'm not a burden and not creating so much distress for those that care about me. In the end, I didn't transition for myself, but out of a sense of obligation or duty to be a better person to those in my life.
EDIT: looks like OP's wife is supportive, which is a huge relief and great news all around
I’m in a very similar boat where I’ve been struggling to understand the underlying source of my constant stress and temper. My wife had expressed that I was angry all the time for no reason and I’m coming to realize that I was angry at the fact that I lived in a world that is hostile to the very idea of my exploring my own identity beyond what was imprinted on me by society.
Just giving myself permission to say “I’m not a man” in front of people I trust and love has already caused me to let go of so much stress that my therapist noticed it the moment I walked in the door today.
She, by the way, is very supportive as well. She’s encouraging me to take things slow and really examine my feelings, especially since I also have a lot of trauma - CPTSD, childhood sexual assault, etc. - but was very clear that she supports me exploring and figuring out who I want to be for myself and not anyone else.