Transfem
A community for transfeminine people and experiences.
This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.
Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.
- Please follow the rules of the lemmy.blahaj.zone instance.
- Bigotry of any kind will not be tolerated.
- Gatekeeping will not be tolerated.
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- Please tag NSFW topics.
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This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.
Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.
Some helpful links:
- The Gender Dysphoria Bible // In depth explanation of the different types of gender dysphoria.
- Trans Voice Help // A community here on blahaj.zone for voice training.
- LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory // A directory of LGBTQ+ accepting Healthcare providers.
- Trans Resistance Network // A US-based mutual aid organization to help trans people facing state violence and legal discrimination.
- TLDEF's Trans Health Project // Advice about insurance claims for gender affirming healthcare and procedures.
- TransLifeLine's ID change Library // A comprehensive guide to changing your name on any US legal document.
Support Hotlines:
- The Trevor Project // Web chat, phone call, and text message LGBTQ+ support hotline.
- TransLifeLine // A US/Canada LGBTQ+ phone support hotline service. The US line has Spanish support.
- LGBT Youthline.ca // A Canadian LGBT hotline support service with phone call and web chat support. (4pm - 9:30pm EST)
- 988lifeline // A US only Crisis hotline with phone call, text and web chat support. Dedicated staff for LGBTQIA+ youth 24/7 on phone service, 3pm to 2am EST for text and web chat.
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It could be a lot worse - a lot of folks don't realize until their 40s or later, 34 isn't too bad! And Oklahoma isn't as bad as where I lived for roughly the first two years of my transition, in the South.
My story sounds pretty similar to yours - I also rationalized in similar ways (my intense feminism, thinking women are just better and easier to get along with, thinking of myself as non-binary so I didn't have to think about transition seriously, etc.).
In my experience it's scariest at the beginning, it only gets easier from here.
The main generic advice at this point would be:
1. start HRT first
I know this sounds like a much later step, but it's actually one of the first things I would do: it is a useful diagnostic step, changes are very slow and it can take a while to even get an appt. to start, and it's extremely low risk and potentially extremely helpful for mental health - you can even stop HRT anytime within the first 3 months without any permanent changes, and after that the only permanent change you risk is having breast bud growth that sticks around.
2. educate yourself
Read any trans related educational material you feel might be useful, but here's a starting list:
You might also find helpful this longer list of resources.
I've also put together some tips on how to help with dysphoria you might find useful.
3. get a trans-affirming therapist who has worked with trans patients
It is helpful to work with a therapist, especially early in transition. You might also need them to write letters for you down the road for insurance to cover certain things.
4. if your partner is straight and/or worried about your transition, consider a couples therapist
Unfortunately a lot of marriages go through major changes (or in the worst case, don't survive), so it can be helpful to work with a therapist to help navigate transition in the context of your relationship.
5. start sketching out plans to leave Oklahoma
Honestly you should do this even if you weren't trans, all kinds of important metrics like quality of healthcare, health outcomes, risks of being in a car accident or victim of a crime, etc. are overall better in blue states where the government is functioning better.
Being trans is just another reason among many to leave for a better place.
That said, moving is hard. I recently had to flee from the South and I lost my home, left behind all of my friends and family, and I ended up losing my career of over 10 years. I'm still thankful I did it, but I understand it can be hard. You don't have to have it figured out now, but at this point it's a good idea to have a plan to escape and to work towards it.
6. relax and remind yourself you will be OK
egg-cracking is distressing, just remember that this is the hardest part and that it gets better. Pay attention to your emotional needs and take mental breaks from the topic and pace yourself. Find a way to stay within your threshold of tolerance. Seek support and help from supportive friends and family.
7. find a local trans support group and start attending
Admittedly this will have various downsides, but community is important when you are trans. It is how you learn where to find healthcare, which providers are safe, etc. When I lived in the South, I learned who I should see for everything from the trans support group - even where to get haircuts. It can also be helpful to just be around other trans people, to know you aren't alone in what you are going through.
If your city has a pride parade, usually you can find the trans support group by checking out the organization that organizes the pride parade and other events in town, there is usually at least one big LGBT+ organization in every small to mid-sized city like this, even in places like the South, and usually they host a trans support group.
Feel free to reach out with any questions. I know it's crazy to say this, but congratulations - this is a huge step for your health and well-being, and I'm so happy for you. I know it's hard, but life is likely about to get much better soon 💖
This is all great advice. My only change would be to move out of OK first. Go to ny, or, wa, or ca or something. Go to a trans friendly state in a trans friendly area. Or, fuck, even get the hell out of this country. Mexico or Canada.
Normally, I'd say you'll be fine. But politics right now is that you need to GTFO to a safe place right now with all the money and skills and resources that you can. Take all the family that you want and are able to, too, and make it so you don't have to look back.
The problem for me is that when it comes to moving, cost of living and opportunities are a big issue. Thanks to cost of living here, I can support my disabled wife and my autistic daughter on my wages of $19/hour while working from home. It seems I would need to at least quadruple that if I wanted to move to a more progressive accepting area.
There are relatively affordable trans refuge states like Minnesota (which is is in the upper half for affordability) - while it would be better, you don't have to move to a big city to be much safer and have access to healthcare.
Here are some other considerations:
https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/top-5-states-to-be-transgender-in
Another benefit to moving to a blue state is you are more likely to earn higher wages and enjoy better benefits, as unions are more common in those states and the laws are more equitable. Depending on where you move, there might also be more programs to help assist with a disability (even financially). For example, Minnesota has various services for disabled adults, and a food and financial assistance program for families with low income. I don't know what it's like in Oklahoma, but where I was in the South there were not a lot of supportive services or programs like that in the state I came from.
The bigger struggle will be with affording the costs of moving / relocating - it's expensive to move, if you need a truck to bring furniture across state, it might be cheaper to try to sell most of what you own and move with as little as possible. Otherwise, it can be thousands of dollars to rent a truck and move it across the country.
There are potentially funds you could apply for to relocate:
https://www.hrc.org/resources/emergency-funds-for-relocating-families
Finding a job in another state is another major hurdle / challenge.
But that's why right now it's just a matter of sketching out a plan and moving towards it, this is a big project, don't have to have everything figured out at the start. It took me almost a year from when I started planning to when I was able to actually get out.
I appreciate all the info and the resources. My wife and I definitely have a lot of thinking to do for ourselves. We’ve made quite the life for ourselves in Oklahoma and it puts us in reasonable proximity to a lot of family and friends.
We will consider many options but my first instinct is to do what I can here. Trans people do and should exist everywhere and in spite of the adversity I know I’ll face I know I can also be an example and a role model right where I am, if I can manage to stand in the face of the tyranny I’ll be subjected to.
One thing I want to do for sure is find a community of other trans and trans-ally individuals here in OK that I can plug into and be a part of.
🫂
I fear for you.
🫂 Everybody’s struggle is unique but I am strong and have friends and family who would die for me so I will be safe.