Marycat1

Ok, so I know I’m getting overly excited, but I am just so proud of myself tonight. We had a recruiting event for cross country and were invited to dinner / bonding activities with the team. Two women recruits were staying overnight in a teammates dorm. Our coach was going to be there for dinner/bonding, which was great as he and I weren’t really getting along the last two weeks because he apparently didn’t like that I am a creature of habit lol. But he and I were very civil last night during dinner and after team bonding.

During team bonding, however, the girl who was hosting the two recruits got really sick and was throwing up a lot. Unfortunately, with me being in the game room with the team, I was unaware until I went back to my dorm at about 8:30. My teammate felt really bad and she and another teammate were freaking out as to who would host them, as our coach’s back up host was unable to host and my other teammate could only host one.

For a few minutes I was thinking, and then I realized that I actually had an amazing opportunity. If I hosted, I could say I did it since nobody believes I would because I am a quiet person and have a single dorm, but I could also show my coach/teammates I care by doing this. I also had some extra space. So, at the last minute, I cleaned up my dorm, and texted the group, telling them I’d be willing to host one of the girls. I ended up hosting her while another teammate hosted the other. It is 5 in the morning right now, but I have barely slept all night because I am just so proud of myself for taking on this responsibility and finally stepping up as an upperclassman. Later we are going to breakfast with the coach/recruits, and I am so excited to see how my coach and teammates react. Normally I don’t really care for verbal praise but I think this time it is actually deserved.

The only downside of this, however, is that I have felt really bad for my teammate who was originally supposed to host the two recruits. She felt really bad and kept apologizing, and with me being the sensitive Pisces that I am, I have absorbed these emotions and so badly want to give her a hug and tell her it’s ok. But then again she has supported me so much, and I get along with her so well compared to the other girls on my team. She keeps me sane during the hardest times and is always there when I need something, so I felt the need to return the favor lol.

When I was first talking to the recruits (with the team), I was very quiet and didn’t say much. But when I met up with them later, I was a whole new person. I started by saying, “Nice to meet you, I’m Mary,” on my own accord. Then I went on to tell her that I’ve never hosted before and was a little nervous. She was super understanding as she was kind of quiet too and we ended up talking for most of the time.

Sorry if it sounds like I’m gloating or bragging, this was just an exciting moment and I felt the need to write about it.

All my life, for whatever stupid reason, I’ve always had this intense discomfort when it comes to sleeping in. I’m not just talking about during the week and being late, I’m talking about on the weekends too when I’m allowed to sleep in.

It started when I was a kid. I slept in occasionally, and when I did, My family noticed, And for whatever reason, would say, “Good morning” to me in a baby voice. I hated it. For years after, It got better and worse. Whenever my grandma was over, she would mention it, And say something like, “This is late for you.” It upset me, but I couldn’t say anything.

When I’m in college, I don’t really mind sleeping in, I have a single dorm and nobody knows when I’ve been awake or asleep. But at home, it’s really hard. Often times, My parents lay in their bed until I wake up, and get up right after. I can’t tell if it’s for me or if it’s just them (as they actually enjoy sleeping in). I haven’t said anything about it to them.

Today, I unintentionally slept in until about 10:30. My dad was still laying in bed, but my mom was doing chores around the house. I went outside for a minute to try and cover my tracks And avoid hearing “good morning” or being talked to in a baby voice. Unfortunately, I came inside, and my mom talked to me in a baby voice. I was upset, but didn’t let her know. I went and hid in the bathroom for a minute, and had a mini meltdown. Later, she Wanted to go driving with me, As I’m not a good driver and she wants me to be better (She tells people that her younger daughter, My sister, Is a really good driver and she wishes she would just drive herself places, And that her older daughter, me, isn’t a great driver and needs a lot more practice. My sister did recently get her license, but thankfully, doesn’t drive herself places yet. I made it to where we were going, And I’m happy because my mom is taking me to a grocery store after, and said I can pick out some snacks for my dorm. I am excited because I’ll be coming home for the holidays next weekend, but I do worry about sleeping in. Yesterday I was up early, but I was not.

Has anyone else felt this weird feeling when it comes to sleeping in / being talked to like a child? I also hate praise when it’s Undeserved or told me and a baby voice. I enjoy it from Professors, Coaches, teammates, and friends, But family it always feels so weird.

So I am 19 years old and in college, and I noticed yesterday that my period is suddenly really heavy. I also noticed that this is my second period this month, I got my first one on October 3, and it lasted about 7 days which is normal for me.

Yesterday, I got my period for the second time this month, and it seems really heavy, like I was bleeding everywhere every few minutes. I don’t exactly know how much, but I am worried about blood loss and being sick because of this. I also had really bad cramps last night, which rarely happens, I took ibuprofen and used a hot water bottle but it didn’t do much for me. This morning, I am a bit nauseous, and overall tired.

Is this normal? I’ve never had this issue before.

So yesterday I flipped my mom off. Bad, I know. Yes, it was wrong, yes, I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I was so angry at her yesterday that I just couldn’t stop myself.

It started on Saturday. My mom had made plans for my dad, sister and I to go to our grandma’s house, two hours away, to celebrate Halloween and go trick or treating. Yes, my sister and I are older, but we are still children at heart, plus the area we were going to had all kinds of teenagers (and adults) trick or treating, so we blended in just fine. When my mom told us the plan, she was very specific and stern, saying that we had to be out the door by 7:45 am. I knew there was no way that was going to happen, so I asked her about it, but she was very serious and insisted that we would be ready by then. I was the first one awake, and quietly went downstairs. Unfortunately, my dog heard me and barked, signaling my dad that I was out there. He asked me, “Are you going for a run this early?” I was annoyed but told him that I was not, but the reason I was up early was because we had to leave in 30 minutes. He was surprised but brushed it off. My mom and sister didn’t start getting ready until after 8 am, and we finally got out the door around 9:15. I was fine with this, but would prefer to know if there might be changes in plans/timing.

Once we were on the road, my sister became negative, asking how long truck or treating would be and saying she didn’t really want to go. My parents assured her it wouldn’t be long and it would be fine. We went to a few Halloween events shortly after we arrived, and after that, went to lunch. My sister again began to complain, saying she was tired and wasn’t in the mood to walk for hours trick or treating. My dad took notice of this, and replied, “As far as I’m concerned, you guys just got candy at the Halloween event, I’m fine with going straight home after this.” I was so upset. The whole plan was to spend time with my grandma and go trick or treating, and now my dad and sister didn’t want to go? I asked my parents about this privately afterwards, and they insisted that we would still be going trick or treating. I was so confused. Ultimately we went and had a good time. After that, though, I started getting really upset because of my Misophonia, My sister began to cough and clear her throat, And my parents don’t realize it, This noise still upsets me even as an adult.

On the way home, however, my sister continued to whine about being sad and having emotional problems since she had an IUD put in two days before. I understand that, but I wish she would’ve just told our parents privately without me in the car, as I absorb others emotions way too easily. Once we got home, she continued to complain. She originally wanted to have a friend over the next day, but then said she didn’t want to because our mom goes into a cleaning frenzy every time we have friends over. When this happens, my sister has a meltdown.

The next day, she complained about school and having missing work. She’s one of those people that cries over getting a B, and needs to get straight As all the time. She originally said she was jealous of me because I’m an athlete and my parents invested time in me. But they invest just as much time with her in band. She also said she was worried because she knew her parents would hate her if she didn’t do well in school. All the stuff inside, and I started getting upset. Then I began to complain to my mom. She did the whole emotional thing, And said that she didn’t want to listen to me vent at her for no reason, And then it just makes it harder for her to communicate with me. I thought this was unfair because she vents at me all the time.

Anyway, We were discussing some stuff about college, And I asked my mom if I could bump my meals Up to 15 meals a week instead of 10. She did the evil laugh and said that I don’t even eat 10 a week. I insisted to her that I do, along I have been using them, along with my dining dollars. She glared at me giving me the mean eyes, and said, “OK, show me.” I felt extremely embarrassed because she didn’t believe me, But even more so because I didn’t have any evidence, since the app on my phone doesn’t work half the time. I told her that I take pictures of my meals and send them to her all the time, and she said, “Well, sometimes you do.” I was so angry. Then she mentioned something about My college dorm being dirty. She hasn’t even seen it this year, and she accused me of being dirty, despite the fact that I clean it 2 to 3 times a week. She said the middle was so dirty last year that my dad was horrified, And that from now on every weekend, he’s coming up to clean it. I know this is a lie, because he told me it is, And secondly, He’s the dirty one, My mom literally just yelled at him for leaving clothes behind the toilet and trash behind the chair, and vented at him for living out of a duffel bag. She continued to talk about how I have organization problems because I’m autistic, and need disability services because I was special education as a kid, And I was at my breaking point. I flipped her off, and couldn’t stop myself. My mom got really mad, and said that if I ever did that again, that she was kicking me out of the house.

This is where the coddling comes in. My dad said this was a really extreme punishment, But I told my mom that I was fine with it. My mom is the reason I’m so successful. When my dad would coddle me all the time, I was nothing. I was a shy student With no plans for college or after high school, and didn’t have any adult skills. I was so close to going to the local technical school for a year, My dad insisted I go because he thought I wasn’t ready for college. But I ended up getting into a four-year school and am doing really well.

With my mom, She doesn’t coddle me when it comes to life. The second I turned 18, She had me checking into my doctors appointments myself, booking them, and using my insurance card. She also got me a Visa card. I used to be a terrified child afraid to go to any doctors appointment without my parents with me 24/7, To a confident adult That is able to book my appointment, check myself in, Go back by myself, And schedule follow-up visits. I am also able to use my Visa card on my own. I don’t have a job yet, but I’ve had several interviews. When my dad takes me to appointments, He asks if I want him to come with me and if I know what I’m doing, And I assure him that I’m fine, And proceeded to go in myself. None of this would’ve been possible had my mom not pushed me into the world.

I can’t decide what’s better, coddling or being pressured, but right now, I’m doing fine. I know coddling can be good, But I don’t like people using autism as an excuse. Sorry if this just sounds like a big rant.

So my mom and I were on the phone today discussing some stuff regarding my doctors appointments and upcoming surgery, and she mentioned that she and I will be getting our flu and Covid shots on Friday. That was fine with me, But I asked her why my sister and Dad weren’t getting theirs on Friday as well. She told me that my sister didn’t want to get hers, so she wasn’t going to force it on her, even though she really wants her to get it.

This really concerns me. It’s off topic, but I have Misophonia, and people being sick is a really big trigger for me. I hate the sound Of people coughing, sneezing, sniffling, etc. Luckily, for me, I’m away at college, so I often don’t have to hear it from my family. However, My mom often tells me when someone in the family is sick, primarily my sister. For example, A couple weeks ago, My sister had a stomach virus, And my mom texted me, saying, “Just a heads up, The stomach bug is going around. Your poor sister has been puking her guts out and having diarrhea all day, and your dad is sick too.” Shortly before that, She told me that my sister had a bad cold, and was out of school for three days. These text messages made me extremely freaked out. Having autism, Misophonia And emetophobia, the thought of sickness does not sit well with me.

On top of it, 2025 Seems to be a year of death for a lot of people in my life. My grandfather died unexpectedly in March, my great aunt died of cancer last month, my grandma put one of her dogs down unexpectedly, And today, my mom told me that my doctor has just died. I’m so afraid of who could be next, and the thought of any sickness just freaks me out completely right now.

I also feel like my mom has way more control over me than my sister. I wonder why, Because she’s two years younger than me, However, She was in a mental hospital for a while, depression, and suicidal thoughts. When she has moments of gloom and doom, My mom often avoids it and just gives into her demands. For example, We could be close shopping and my mom makes me buy a bunch of stuff I don’t need, And she says she wants to make sure I have clothes, I have buckets of stuff I don’t use. I ask her why she doesn’t get my sister any clothes, Because she only has about five outfits that she wears, and only one pair of pants. She told me that She has given up on taking my sister shopping because it often turns into gloom and doom, but we have never gone without the flu flu shot. She’s been sick twice this year already, So I’m not sure whether or not to be worried, Because usually she has a good immune system (When my whole family got Covid, She was the only one who didn’t, despite not washing her hands and being around us constantly). I don’t know if I should think it’s a good thing that she got sick twice, So then it’s over with when I’m home for the holidays, or if I should worry that it’s gonna happen again.

Has anybody here gone without a flu shot, And if so, Did it make you really sick? Being as nervous as I am, I would prefer it if you just mentioned good or mild experiences. Thanks.

So I’m getting a septoplasty in December and I am super nervous about it. I’m afraid it will hurt, I’ll wake up during the surgery or I’ll act stupid after waking up. I’m also afraid of being put under, despite having done it before.

I wasn’t originally this nervous, I was actually pretty excited after scheduling it. I’ve had a deviated septum all my life, but over the last three years have had chronic post nasal drip and a stuffy nose. It makes it hard to exercise and sleep at night since my sinuses are always clogged. That’s why I want this surgery, but also because I have an intense fear of throwing up, and this post nasal drip has been making me extremely nauseous lately. The only thing that relieves it is frequent saline rinsing.

Has anybody else felt like this? If you’ve had a septoplasty, how did it go?

So for the last month, my sleeping schedule has been all over the place. I’m on the cross country team in college, and we just got a new coach. While we’re division three and not as competitive as some of the other schools, our coach is obsessed with making sure We are just as fast as them.

Let me just give you some background first. Nobody on the team is crazy fast (The fastest girl runs about a 26 minute 6k). The second fastest runs about 27-28. I’m in between the fast and slower runners, with my pr being around 29:00, along with one other girl. The rest of the girls run about 35-45 minutes. My coach is very competitive, running a sub four minute mile.

My coach is so obsessed With us all being fast, that he burns us all out in the process. Three days a week, he hosts practices at 5-5:30 am, and gives us a crazy workout. He wants all of us to be running 6:00 - 7:00 pace per mile on these days (our normal pace for workouts is about 8:00- 8:30). Anyway, His 5:30 practices leave us extremely exhausted, since nobody sleeps well, the night before. He always gets mad at us and asks us why we aren’t sleeping better. I don’t know the reason for the other girls, but for me, the reason I don’t sleep well is because our coach refuses to tell us the plan the night before. For example, He tells us to meet at 5 am, and that we have a big workout. However, he refuses to tell us what it is until we’re at practice, which makes me full of energy the night before, and leaves me exhausted in the morning. We’ve tried telling him this, But he still refuses to tell us the workout until we’re at practice. Of course, I’m in Illinois, so I’ve gotten used to last minute plans and always having to be in a hurry.

So back to my sleeping problems, Three days a week I’m getting up between 4:15 - 4:45 am, and don’t nap because it interferes with my sleep at night. However, the days I do get to sleep in, I end up sleeping until 10 am - 12 pm. This isn’t something I want to keep happening, Most of the time I can sleep in because I don’t have class until 10:30 - 1:00 most days, but this is interfering with my night sleep and my health overall, since I’m not used to sleeping so much.

My sleep schedule is off, and I don’t know how to fix it. Has anybody else felt like this, and what did you do to get consistent, sleep schedule?

Ever since I was about three years old, I’ve required some sort of special education. For the most part, It was for social reasons, but later became academic. I hated it, it was almost always people yelling at me because I couldn’t do something right, and got all excited when I did.

I’ve tried to explain my mom how I felt, But she just explained that everything I’ve learned is from special education. I swear to God, I found social stories on YouTube and that’s how I learned them, But my mom glared at me, And said “Really? You didn’t learn them in therapy? Even your preschool teacher did social stories with you.” I don’t know why that made me so angry. I’ve tried telling her that all this extra support has just made me a failure at life because everything was done for me and nobody let me do anything on my own. My mom told me that I should be grateful for that because she didn’t get that she was a kid, But she and my aunt are two of the most successful people I know. I understand That sometimes coddling can be beneficial, but let me enlighten you as to what it is done to me.

So as a kid, I struggled with talking, and also with being kind to people. So my mom would reward me every time I get some good or talked to somebody new. Sometimes she would reward me for no reason at all. Overtime, I ended up becoming really entitled, and wanted rewards every time I did something good. My Mom told me I was being spoiled, Yet, when I told her that she shouldn’t be rewarded all the time, She said, “But look at how far you’ve come! All this support from everybody has helped you get where you are today.”

This is true, however, I don’t like when she gives everybody else credit for the things I do on my own. She told me that coddling is essential, and that it is what got me where I am. This could not be further from the truth. Sure, I talked to new people and was nicer to them, but my adult skills were 100% on my own.

I’ve tried to tell this to my mom, But she asks why I want to do this to myself? She doesn’t understand that pushing me out of the nest has actually benefited me more than coddling me all my life. I went from an 18 year old being terrified to leave my mother’s side At the doctor or dentists office and not being able to manage money, To a 19 year old who books my own appointments, and tell my mom to wait in the car while I go in there myself, And using my Visa card to pay for stuff I want on my own.

This all came from my mom telling me, “You’re an adult now you need to check yourself into this appointment, I’ll be over there sitting down.” From there, When the nurse called my name, She told me calmly that I could just go back by myself. After that, She took me to the pharmacy, And gave me a random choice. She told me she was picking up medicine, And asked if I wanted to do it, or observe how she does it for the day. To prove I could handle it, I did it. Then we had to go pick up my sister from summer school. On the way, We stopped at a gas station. While my mom got gas, She asked me to pick up a drink for my sister, And then handed me the money and told me to just do it. All of the stuff was taught to me very last minute, but I gave my mom all the credit for pushing me out of the nest and letting me be independent. I don’t enjoy the method, it works best for me.

Unfortunately, My mom and I got in a big fight last night over the phone because I tried to explain this stuff to her. She gave 90% of the credit to me being in special education and needing that extra support, And that’s what made me come so far. All Special education did was make me hate myself, nothing in it prepared me for the real world. All of my adult skills came from reward charts, and my mom pushing me out of the nest.

I really struggle to communicate, My mom doesn’t enjoy it because I often times waffle back-and-forth about what I’m saying. She ended up ranting to me, Telling me that she hates talking to me on the phone because I do this, And that she’s never gonna talk to me on the phone ever again. To communicate, She said I could email, text her or talk to her in person. She also said that I’m making a really bad choice if I Cut the string to being independent because I can’t manage life on my own, And that is getting pushed out of the Nest Is what I really want, then she’s gonna tell everyone to stop coddling me.

This is not what I want, however, this new independence has been nothing but beneficial to me. My parents still pay for my tuition, but I’m in charge of going to school, making friends, getting good grades, getting a job, keeping my dorm clean, etc. To be clear, I am very grateful for my family and everything they do for me, but I just wish my parents could understand why pushing me is so helpful.

Has anybody else felt this way? I hope I’m not coming off as rude or disrespectful.

So yesterday my XC team and I traveled to Louisville for a meet. Yesterday ended with my coach changing the restaurant plans last minute and TMI, starting my period. On top of it I have a deviated septum that has been causing me sinus problems for about three years now, and lately it has been making breathing very difficult at night. I am getting surgery for it in December, but for now am just using things that give me temporary relief like nasal sprays and an antihistamine.

This morning I woke up not knowing if I got any sleep or not, since my eyelids were heavy and I was confused. I still had enough energy to get through the day though. The day started with me struggling at breakfast. I normally eat my own food on race day, since I have particular things I like to eat on the day of the race, and run better when I eat those things, so I was pretty upset when my coach forced us all to eat breakfast together and made us get something from the breakfast counter. It was extremely difficult for me because they only had a few things I can handle eating, and about half the stuff was either unavailable or not ready yet. I finally settled on something, and ultimately it turned out ok.

At the race however, things took a turn for the worse, as it was extremely hot and we were expected to do well. I try to keep the pressure low because it eases my nerves before the race, but my coach had another idea apparently. I ran really well, my time wasn’t as good as I expected it to be, but I was still very content with it. Unfortunately, my coach made me jealous of the other girls, since apparently they all ran their best times. I beat three of them but unfortunately it wasn’t enough to satisfy my coach.

Right as we were walking to the bus, one of my male teammates started yelling at me to go back to the tent. I figured I had left something there or needed to help carry something, but it was actually that my coach wanted to talk to me. He started by asking how I felt during the race, since unlike the other girls on the team, my time was about 30 seconds slower than it was at this race last season. I didn’t know what to say since obviously I felt terrible, so I just answered that I felt 50/50. He then asked me what happened today and why I didn’t do better. I ended up telling him about my sinus problems and how they are affecting me lately, but he really didn’t seem to care, he just said, “I want you to get better, that’s my job, to help you get better.”

I know this is minor, but I wanted to rant to him so bad. Like seriously? It is 85 degrees out and the sun is glaring on us the entire race, I feel like crap because I’m on my period and nauseous, you keep changing the plans without telling us and forcing me to do stuff I don’t want to do, and burning the team out physically and mentally because you have us do these big workouts the day before the race, and you think my time is bad? I ran a damn good race. Considering the heat, course and problems with my sinuses, I did the best I could do today. At the end of the race I was exhausted, dumping buckets of water on my head and struggling to stay on my feet (this rarely happens) and you didn’t care! All you care about is the two fastest women on the team. What because I am the third fastest, I am less than them? We all deserve the same recognition. Maybe if you gave us information sooner, we would know what to expect, and be able to plan for it! Our old coach was similar, but at least he told us we did well after a race, no matter how terrible we did. Seriously…

Anyway, after the race we went to get food, and immediately afterwards, my coach asked if we had to go to the bathroom. Nobody did, so I stayed where I was. A few minutes later, someone on the team quietly whispered that they needed to go, and my coach SCREAMED at them to go, and then loudly announced to everyone to go if they needed to. That made me even more scared, since he has a tendency to call us out for every little move we make. I accidentally forgot to throw my food out at the next rest stop, and I can feel the nerves set in as he will yell at me and ask why I didn’t throw it away yet or why I ate so slow.

Now all the men on the team plus the coach are loudly laughing and screaming at every little thing, not surprisingly, while the women are trying to sleep. We still have about an hour to drive. I’m over being on the bus, getting yelled at for no reason, and just being nervous and pissed off at something.

To make this rant more positive, I am going to share some highlights of this trip. I managed to ask a teammate an important question, beat one of the girls on my team that I wanted to, told three of them that they did amazing (even though I am jealous of one because she is often favored by the coach), managed to order and receive food at every restaurant, and ultimately, kept up in this fast paced environment for most of the time without losing it at somebody (I did tell a teammate I was close to losing my temper when my coach said I did bad), but other than that, did really well. Sorry for the rant, but it needed to be announced.

So I’m on the cross country team in college, and occasionally, we have to travel for our meets. I really struggle with traveling. The packing, stops, sleeping away from college, and changes in plans always have me freaked out. We also have a new coach this season, and it will be just him traveling with us, since the two assistant coaches are gone now.

Today, we are traveling to Louisville, and I am super nervous. We have been driving for about four hours, but I’ve already been faced with a ton of hardships. It started last night. My coach texted us with details at the last minute. I have a really hard time when I’m not given details ahead of time, since I get nervous when I don’t know what to expect.

For example, last year, my three coaches had everything laid out for us the week before, and gave us additional details throughout the week. This is an example of the difference in plans from last year to this year:

Last year we had the following information: What time we were eating, where and when we were stopping, what we would be getting for food on the way and after, what race we were in and the time, what hotel we were in and who we were sleeping with, and what we would be doing once we arrived. This was all given to us a week in advance.

This year, we were only given what time we were eating and what we were doing when we arrived. My coach told us that we were going to decide what to eat when we are on the bus, and two weeks ago, came up with a stupid rule that once we eat at a certain restaurant, we will not go there again. My old coach was better, he always got us the same thing and even gave us a budget because he was cheap lol. I have a limited amount of places I can eat at due to my eating issues, so this was not easy for me to adjust to. It’s been especially hard because my coach always forces us to get something regardless if we want it or not.

Today I got extremely lucky, as my coach told us that we would be going to my two favorite restaurants. However, when we got in there, about half the stuff on the menu had run out, so I was left with only one safe option. I had no problem ordering it as I was literally the only person that knew what they wanted, so I went first. My coach was passing out the food, and when he got to me, said, “That’s all you got?” I was terrified because he has a very loud voice and tends to get loud whenever he is surprised, happy or angry. Anyway, I got my food, and realized that I didn’t have a spoon for it. I was terrified to speak up since everyone always looks at me funny or tends to single me out. I ended up eating with my hands and being discreet about it.

On top of it, I had an unexpected event happen earlier today. So when we got to our first stop, our coach forced us to get out and go to the bathroom. Once we got inside, the whole place was like a maze. Everything was scattered everywhere. When we finally got to the bathroom, we noticed that all the doors were closed but we couldn’t see under the stills, so we had to guess which ones were open. There were no labels, so we had no idea. One of my teammates went first, and she got in safely. I decided to take a risk and open one too, but to my surprise, there was a woman in there. She yelped when she saw me, and the whole girls team witnessed this. I was so embarrassed. Once I finally got to an open stall, I realized that there were no locks. Like seriously? What kind of bathroom doesn’t have a place to lock the doors?

I’m a little nervous for tonight because apparently we’re going out to dinner. I’m nervous about not having anyone to sit with, since this restaurant can only fit 4-8 to a table, and I really don’t talk to a lot of people on the team since 90% of them speak Spanish and I have no idea what they’re saying, plus I get super nervous to speak up sometimes.

I wanted to come on this trip to prove to my aunt that I can handle loud and fast paced environments, literally just so I can get a job, and also to get her to stop protecting me from the chaos, as all it’s done is make me struggle more. She has no idea about this trip, I am already taking a big step going on my own without my parents or family. I did it last year, but it was easy because I knew what to expect.

Has anyone else struggled with changes in plans and/or being on the quiet side? Sorry this just sounds like a big ranting session.

So there’s this girl in one of my classes who is autistic. She seems like a lot of fun, and I’ve had an interest in trying to make friends with her. The issue is, She has a tendency to constantly think out loud. She’s always shouting , complaining or moaning during class. On top of it, she’s one of those people that’s obsessed with academics and only expects perfection. Last year, We had a class together that I was not very good in. I complained to a friend about it because the teacher was a tough grader and was never willing to help me. Unfortunately, the girl overheard me and started yelling at me that it wasn’t that bad. She’s always a teacher’s pet, so I’m not surprised that she likes every class she’s in. I am the opposite of her, a quiet student with fair grades.

When she’s not constantly fixated on school, she actually a lot of fun. She often talks about children’s TV shows and school events. She also asks questions and the school, since she doesn’t live on campus. Another thing is that she’s very strict with people swearing, which might help me as I have a tendency to swear often. I haven’t interacted with her much since I often get annoyed by her, but also, because her and I both struggle with communication, and tend to get frustrated when we disagree with something somebody says. She’s also extremely sensitive, And only wants to talk about particular topics, Which I understand because I’m the same way, but her constant moaning and complaining drives me to not want to be around her.

What should I do? She seems like a really fun person and someone I can definitely benefit from, but at the same time she can be super annoying.

So for most of my life, I’ve struggled with lying. I know a lot of people with autism are honest and have a tendency to tell the truth no matter what. Despite being autistic, I have the opposite problem. I lie all the time.

From the simplest things to major concerns, lies have always been a part of my life. As a college student, The biggest thing I’ve lied about is my grades. My parents are always on my ass to do well and ask about my grades constantly. Because my parents can’t see them, I often have to show them over the computer. Luckily, for me, I can only show them what I want them. On the website that shows my grades, there is something called a what if score that you can use to test different scores to see how it will impact your grade. After you’re done using it, your score reverts back to what it originally was. I often use that to turn C’s into A’s, and just crop out the assignments that are marked as missing. This isn’t something I always do, only when I have a bad grade.

I also lie about my friendships. My parents often make the assumption that I’m lonely and don’t want me to spend the weekend in my dorm. I’m offended that they think that, as it is not the case at all. I do have friends in college, we just don’t hang out every single day. I am on the cross country team in college, and a big thing my parents assume is that that is where all my friends come from. While I enjoy being there and racing, I am far from being friends with any of them. 90% of them speak Spanish, and make jokes I don’t understand, or use slang. They are also Coaches pet’s, and insist on being perfect 24/7. They’ve all formed friendships, but I’m kinda just there. My mom was super worried about the original college I wanted to go to, and insisted I would be the minority of them, but really, I’m the minority here. I’m considering transferring, but ultimately I don’t know. So I lie to my parents and tell them I’m hanging out with friends when they call so that they aren’t worried, I’ve also turned off my location because oftentimes it shows when I’m in my dorm.

Another thing I lie about is sports. My coach wants us to trust him, and pushes us to tell him if we are injured or feel we are being overworked. The thing is, he has all the girls run the same pace, regardless of their level. Even when we tell him we aren’t ready for it, he says he wants us to try and run it. On the other hand, injuries are banned, meaning if we’re injured, he won’t let us run at all. Any injury, major or minor, banishes us to biking or sitting on the sidelines during races. I had a minor injury yesterday and today, but I haven’t said anything because we have an important race next week and I don’t want to be banned from going. I’m still taking care of myself though obviously. My old coach knew when I was injured and would put me as a liar when I said I was fine, but the difference is he actually allowed me to train and race as long as I felt ok.

As a kid, I would lie when I was nervous to do something. For example, I will be getting ready for school, And my mom would just randomly ask me, “Is your sister up yet,” Or “Can you get your sister up?” For whatever reason I get incredibly nervous when I’m asked to do this, not just towards my sister, but everybody. If I was on the phone with my parents, I would lie and tell them that I wasn’t home or was outside so I didn’t have to go check. Whenever I was honest though, my parents always told me it’s ok to lie. For example, one time I had accidentally broken a magnet on the fridge. It was a really small break so I just decided to glue it together and put it back on the fridge. Later on, my mom broke the piece that I glued back, and seemed upset about it. I ended up telling her that I did it, And she just laughed and told me I didn’t have to tell her, that she would’ve thought she broke herself. I was so embarrassed.

Another time, when my sister and I were kids, My mom would bake cookies, and my sister and I would always eat the cookie dough out of the mixing bowl. My mom would always ask us, “ Are you guys eating cookie dough?” We were really young, and at the time we just come clean that we were. Our mom would just laugh and say, “You’re supposed to say no Mom!” I have a big tendency to lie about food. One time, I ate a hot tub of feta cheese. A few days later We were eating breakfast, and my mom asked if we’ve seen it. We said we didn’t. Then she got all upset and said. “ I swear I bought a big tub of feta cheese, I know I did!” I got really nervous and eventually came clean and told her I ate it. My mom looked at me, and said a very loud and shocked tone, “Are you serious?” I freaked out and told her I was sorry, and she said, “No, it’s ok, I’m just shocked that you ate it all.” That really embarrass me because of my eating problems, I normally don’t eat a lot in front of my family, but eat large quantities of the things I can eat. Often times it stuns my parents. I don’t like my parents being shocked at how much I eat or don’t eat, so I often lie about it, and eat large amounts when I am away from them.

Lying has become a big part of my life. I know I shouldn’t be doing it, but sometimes, It makes me feel safe and calm. Has anybody else felt like this?