Last night I dreamed I was the most unhinged Marine drill instructor in history, and my entire leadership philosophy revolved around one sacred metric: crystal clear urine.
I burst into the barracks at 0500 doing that weird half run instructors do, slam the door so hard the windows rattle, and scream:
“WHO’S CLEAR PISSING TODAY, BOYS?”
The platoon snaps to attention and roars back:
“WE ARE, SIR!”
I cup my ear. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of your DEHYDRATED KIDNEYS!”
“WE ARE, SIR!!”
“That’s what I like to hear. Hydration is intimidation, boys!”
Then I march straight into the latrine for the daily piss inspection. I’m talking full white glove treatment, except it’s a turkey baster and a headlamp. One toilet has the faintest yellow tint, like someone dropped a single drop of crystal lite lemonade in there.
I come storming back out, face purple, veins popping, holding the toilet brush like a javelin.
“WHO. LEFT. A. CLOUDY. PISS. IN MY LATRINE?
Dead silence. Crickets. A single nervous fart echoes in the back row.
I start pacing, slow and murderous.
“Private Rodriguez, you look suspicious. You been sipping coffee instead of America’s finest tap water?”
“No sir!”
“Private Jenkins, you’ve got the complexion of a dehydrated houseplant. Step forward.”
Jenkins takes one baby step.
I shove the toilet brush in his face. “Smell that, Jenkins. That’s failure. That’s weakness leaving the body…through the wrong colored urine.”
Then I make the entire platoon chant the sacred hydration mantra while doing pushups on the floor.
“WHAT DO WE SAY ABOUT CLOUDY PISS?”
“A CLOUDY PISS MEANS A CLOUDY MIND, SIR!”
“AND HOW DO WE WANT OUR FELLOW SOLDIER'S MIND?”
“CLEAR LIKE HIS PISS, SIR!”
“LOUDER, I WANT THE CORPSE OF CHESTY PULLER TO HEAR THIS IN HEAVEN!”
“CLEAR LIKE HIS PISS, SIR!!!”
I finally let them stop, chests heaving, tears mixing with sweat.
I point at Jenkins. “You will chug one full canteen, recite the mantra fifty times, and report back to me with a urine sample so clear I can read the Bible through it. Do you understand me?”
“YES SIR!”
“Dismissed. Now fall out and hydrate like your life depends on it, because in my platoon, it does.”